Discover Your Wings

The Confident Butterfly PART II

2011-09-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

The beak opened inches from her wide, frightful eyes. She was about to scream. Something grabbed her and lifted her into the air. Then she did scream.

Up, down, zigzagging through the air she went. Natalie could hear the feathers of the bird behind her come closer, then fade in the distance. She was then lowered to the ground where she thought she was going to be ill.

“Are you nuts? You nearly got eaten! What were you thinking?” a female voice shrieked.

Craning her head, Natalie looked upon the most awe-inspiring creature she’d ever seen. Delicate golden wings speckled with flecks of cinnamon spanned from her slender frame and fluttered gracefully. She was unlike any flying creature Natalie had ever seen.

“What are you?” Wide eyes displayed fear and wonder.

“I’m a butterfly. Haven’t you ever seen a butterfly?”

“No.” Natalie was still hesitant about the creature’s intentions. Was it going to try to eat her, too?

Black eyes blinked inquisitively at Natalie. “But how come you’ve never seen a butterfly before when you’re a caterpillar?”

“There are no butterflies where I come from.” What did being a caterpillar have to do with seeing butterflies, Natalie thought?

“How can that be? All caterpillars are destined to become butterflies.”

Natalie didn’t believe her. “You were just like me once?” She laughed.

“Yes. Then I changed,” she said joyfully. “The Queen says it’s our destiny.”

“But how’s that possible?”

“Why shouldn’t it be? Everything you need to become what you really are is already inside you. It just needs to be developed and for you to believe.”

“Commander Critic always tells us we’ll never be anything more than what we already are and to accept our chosen destiny—caterpillars and leaf gatherers.”

“If you had to stay however you were born, that would be a sad, meaningless existence! No, you can always change. You just have to make a choice. This Commander,” she scoffed at the word, “is wrong.”

Perplexed, Natalie looked at the butterfly and didn’t know what to say.

“What are you doing out here?” the butterfly asked.

“I left home.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I had to leave. I didn’t belong there. Mamma didn’t believe in me. I had no friends. My teachers didn’t even like me. I wasn’t supposed to write my stories and poetry and explore my own dreams. We couldn’t leave the city because it was against the law.”

Natalie looked at the butterfly’s wings and continued, “I just knew I wanted more—was capable of more—and if I stayed, I wouldn’t be happy.” Then she grew sad. “Why would Commander not tell us about butterflies?”

“Wow! That sounds like a really unhappy place to live. I’m not sure why someone wouldn’t tell you about being a butterfly, but you’re brave for leaving everything you know behind to discover who you are and find your future. By the way, I never got your name. Mine’s Goldie.”

“Natalie.”

“How old are you, Natalie?”

“Seventeen.”

“That’s a long time to stay someone you’re not.” Just then, Goldie had a wonderful idea. “Do you want to come with me to Destiny?” Her wings flapped with excitement.

“What’s Destiny?”

“It’s where I’m from. It’s where you can become a butterfly! In fact, we’re having a Chrysalis Ceremony at noon today.”

Goldie flew Natalie across the river toward Destiny. At first Natalie closed her eyes and held on tightly until she felt the exhilarating freedom of flight. She opened her eyes. The view was spectacular. Sparkles skipped upon the cool water below. The large purple carpet of flowers stretched to the river and to the mountains all around.

She couldn’t wait to get her own wings and fly. She was already envisioning what color they would be and where she would explore.

Upon reaching the city, the air came alive with fluttering colors. Natalie saw both caterpillars and butterflies as Goldie flew toward a tall tree in the middle of Destiny. She landed at its base where several were gathering and preparing for the ritual.

Natalie was in awe of the beauty surrounding the event. Wind chimes sang in a gentle breeze; crystals dangled from low-hanging branches casting rainbows. Butterflies strummed instruments, releasing a delightful melody.

The atmosphere was energized with excitement as ten young caterpillars arranged themselves in the ceremonial line at the right of the base of the tree. To the left, food was being prepared for the Celebration of Transformation feast. In the middle of the activity lay a large cranberry-colored glass tube.

“That’s the Chrysalis Chamber,” Goldie exclaimed excitedly. “After the ceremony, we’ll speak to the Queen about your transformation.”

The light shifted as the Queen promptly glided in on large amethyst-colored wings. Warm rays of the sun glinted upon the glass, causing the Chamber to glow. Inside, the warmth released the magic of Chrysalis.

“Let the ceremony begin!” the Queen instructed.

One by one the caterpillars entered the small opening and disappeared into the Chamber. Natalie watched with anticipation as each exited the other side as a butterfly. As each butterfly joined the others, Natalie heard their excited whispers of joy.

She could hardly contain her enthusiasm to experience her own transformation.

Mesmerized by the Queen’s inspiring words, Natalie began to cry as she felt her wings stirring within her. She wished everyone in Common Place could’ve heard the message and wondered what her city would be like if they had.

Butterflies flew high into the air like wild confetti as everyone headed toward the great feast leaving the Queen, who was always the last to join. Goldie chose this moment to speak to her.

“Your Majesty, Natalie’s missed her deadline to change and she needs to be admitted to the Chrysalis Chamber.” Goldie pleaded.

The Queen was curious. “What’s the reason your transformation hasn’t taken place, Natalie?”

“No one in my city ever told us we’re supposed to change.”

“You’re not from Destiny?”

“No. I’m from Common Place on the other side of the river where our leader never told us about butterflies. He says that all we’ll ever become is what we currently are.”

“So your leader lied to the inhabitants of Common Place?” She was shocked and angry.

Natalie thought about her question and didn’t know the answer herself. “I don’t know if he lied or doesn’t know himself.”

“There are no butterflies in Common Place at all?”

“No, just caterpillars.”

“Very strange. I’ve never heard of this happening before. How did you happen upon this knowledge about butterflies, then?”

“I left my home to go on a great adventure, and that’s when I met Goldie.” She pointed to her friend. “She told me everything. She told me I had to come here so that I could become a butterfly.”

The Queen thought for a long moment before asking, “Why did you leave your home?”

Natalie shared with the Queen what her life was like at home.

“How old are you, Natalie?”

“Seventeen.”

“I’m sorry. You’re too old, and you haven’t been indoctrinated with our beliefs. Therefore, the Chrysalis Chamber’s magic will not transform you,” the Queen stated. She bowed her head, “I can’t help you.” She turned to fly toward the party.

Natalie stood flabbergasted; she could feel her heart breaking. This couldn’t be happening! She had to do something before all was lost to her.

“Wait!” Natalie shouted at the Queen before she could leave.

The Queen was surprised by the insistent command and turned back.

“Excuse me, Your Majesty, but do you know me?”

“You know that we’ve just met,” she answered calmly.

“Then how do you know what I’m capable of? How do you know who I really am?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “I’ve been told my whole life who I’m supposed to be, what to think, that my dreams are unachievable, that I’m a nobody. I chose to leave that life behind and find my own answers for my dreams.

“In the process I’ve been terrified, gotten lost, and nearly eaten by a bird. But I believed my dreams were bigger than my fears and my challenges, and I kept going. Then I learned the truth about myself, and now I’m being denied that truth? I disagree, Your Majesty. I know I’m a butterfly.”

Something remarkable began to happen with that statement. Her body began to glow. The Queen’s eyes widened with disbelief as Goldie slowly backed away.

“I know who I am, and I know my true destiny.” Her tears verified her determination for her dreams. “I will have my wings. No more limitations will be placed on my life.” She believed nothing less for herself. Pure, glittering light burst forth from her and radiated outward. Goldie and the Queen shielded their eyes.

Natalie felt tingly as the energy engulfed her. It started from her heart, spread down her arms and legs until the light exploded from her fingers and toes. The world fell away as she surrendered to the sensation of floating. The light was peaceful, warm, and exhilarating. She wanted to stay in that light forever.

When the light dissipated, the energy still lingered. The Queen looked up, blinked, and was amazed by what she saw.

Natalie felt the weight of something unfold from her back. She felt strange, disoriented, dizzy. Natalie looked toward the Queen and was confused by the look upon her face.

“Have a look in the crystal.” The Queen gestured.

With unfamiliar legs, she made her way to a crystal behind the Queen. She was mystified by what the reflection showed—an amazing butterfly with electric blue wings. She had changed! The release of her limitations had released the wings locked inside her.

“But, how . . . ?” Natalie asked the Queen. Tears of joy ran down her face.

“Because it was your heart’s desire. Your desire released the Chrysalis magic within yourself.”

“But you told me I was too old. I didn’t even enter the Chrysalis Chamber.”

“You believed in yourself so much that you found your wings,” the Queen declared. “The Chrysalis Chamber doesn’t really change you into a butterfly.”

The Queen went on to explain that many generations ago, the Chamber was a meeting place where the transformation would be held. It was a ritual that morphed into a belief that it was the only way one could change into a butterfly.

“The previous Queens and I chose to keep the belief alive because it’s surrounded with celebration, and it keeps the original ritual within our culture. The citizens of Destiny don’t realize they are responsible for their own transformation, not the device.

“I didn’t think the Chamber would work for you because I honestly didn’t believe you were capable of the change due to your age and your lack of understanding. You were long past the metamorphic stage in your life. I was wrong.

“You chose to believe in yourself rather than let others influence you into what you should believe. That takes courage. You’re truly a miracle, Natalie. I’m honored to have met such a confident butterfly as yourself.” And then, bestowing the highest honor she could upon her, The Queen bowed to Natalie.

Natalie pondered her statement for a moment. “I don’t think anyone’s ever past the metamorphic stage in their life. Everyone continues to change in their own time when they’re ready.”

Then she suggested, “You should tell the inhabitants of Destiny that they’re responsible for their transformation. I believe it would give more meaning to the process of change if they knew they held the key to the power inside them. What do you think, Goldie?”

Goldie, who was still in awe over what had just transpired and the knowledge behind the Chrysalis Chamber, dazedly replied, “I agree with Natalie. To know that I was in control of my own transformation is life-changing. If you still want to keep the ritual, you don’t have to tell the caterpillars until after they make the change. But if you don’t tell them, then you’re being as manipulative as Natalie’s leader is to her people.”

“I’ll consider what we’ve talked about here today.” The Queen turned toward Natalie. “What are your plans? Will you stay here in Destiny?”

“No. As I said before, I have a special mission of my own. I’m going back home to share my discovery. They deserve to know the truth.”

“Even after the way they treated you?” Goldie was astonished.

“Yes. It’s not their fault. They’re just regurgitating what they’ve been told. Their foundation for their existence was built on false beliefs. Maybe if they know the truth about who and what they are, it will change them and make them better.”

“I think it’s a wonderful mission,” the Queen agreed. “It takes someone with a lot of love in their heart to want to help those who’ve persecuted them.”

“If you don’t mind, Your Majesty, I may need some reinforcements to help prove my case.”

“I can send some butterflies with you.”

“And . . . ” Natalie turned to Goldie, “I’d like to take my friend with me. I’m going to need some help in my new job.”

“You consider me your friend?”

“I think saving someone else’s life while risking your own qualifies you as a friend. You told me the truth and brought me to where I needed to be. You’re the one who gave me the belief of what I could be that changed me into who I was meant to be.”

Goldie sniffed back her tears. “Yes! I’d love to come and help you,” she answered excitedly.

Then the three of them joined the feast, and Natalie was introduced to the sweet taste of nectar.

That night Natalie wrote in her journal, this time with more passion because it wasn’t just a story; it was about an experience.

Dawn’s light spilled pink love across the wakening sky as Natalie, Goldie, and several other butterflies prepared for their journey to Common Place. At the last moment, the Queen decided to join.

Natalie flew erratically as she danced upon heaven’s breath. She didn’t care how ridiculous she may have looked. Flying was more invigorating than she could’ve imagined.

Just before reaching home, Natalie had the butterflies wait at the restricted zone on the bushes where her adventure had begun so the caterpillars wouldn’t be alarmed. Then she landed in front of Commander Critic’s residence in the common square. As expected, caterpillars scattered in fear.

Remembering how she felt when she first saw Goldie, Natalie was quick to reassure them. “It’s okay. I’m not going to harm you. It’s me, Natalie.” The frightened caterpillars weren’t responsive. They continued to duck and hide behind the landscape for protection.

Natalie scanned the square for her mother and found her at her favorite little shop. She was about to say something to her when Commander Critic entered the square.

“You have no business here, flying creature. Fly away now. Fly away!” he demanded with his usual arrogant tone and shooing gestures.

Ignoring him, Natalie strived to get her mother’s attention. “Mamma!” she called. “It’s me, Natalie.”

Mamma recognized the voice calling her, went to find her daughter, and discovered her voice was coming from the direction of the flying thing.

“Mamma, it’s me.”

Mamma looked upon her daughter with fear.

Natalie gathered all her courage and raised her voice to address everyone within earshot. “As some of you know, I left the city and went into the restricted zone.” Everyone gasped. “I went on an incredible journey and learned the truth about what caterpillars are supposed to become. We’re more than just leaf-eaters.” Natalie turned toward Critic, her hands on her hips. “Like he wants you to believe. We transform into beautiful creatures who possess the miracle of flight. We’re meant to be butterflies—like I am now.”

Natalie went on to describe her journey and what she discovered in the city of Destiny. When she told them of the Chrysalis process, the caterpillars became intrigued while Critic was fuming from behind her. The few times he wanted to interrupt, she shifted her wings, blocking him. At one point he became so annoying, she brushed him firmly with her wing, and he went rolling down the sidewalk, unnoticed.

“I brought my friend, Goldie, and some other butterflies with me so that you can see that all caterpillars can make this amazing transformation. Don’t be afraid.” Following her instruction, the other butterflies settled next to Natalie a few at a time so the caterpillars wouldn’t be overwhelmed.

Then a young boy caterpillar asked the same question Natalie had asked Goldie, “How can this be possible? How can a creature turn into something entirely different?”

“What’s your name?” Natalie inquired.

“Timmy.”

“Timmy, don’t judge yourself by your appearance,” Natalie explained, then addressed the crowd, “You look at yourself and all you see is a caterpillar, an image someone told you to believe. You need to see yourself through your potential.”

Timmy became so excited he began to glow, then burst into brilliant light. Stunned caterpillars gazed upon a butterfly with fiery-orange wings joyously skipping through the air.

“See? Transformation is real. The perception you have about yourself is wrong because it was built on a lie.” Natalie sought Critic and found him cowering where he’d stopped rolling. “And why, may I ask, have we been lied to about what we really are?”

Everyone turned and glared at Commander Critic until he surrendered the history of Common Place. Many years ago, a caterpillar was killed by birds when he entered the valley beyond the thicket. It became the Commander’s job to protect everyone; therefore, leaving the city became forbidden.

Change was discouraged because the Commander saw not everyone was equal and felt the perceived inequality created a feeling of inferiority among some of the caterpillars. The butterflies were removed from the village; the truth about transformation was hidden to promote peace, harmony and unity among the inhabitants. All books, artwork, and knowledge were destroyed. Only the Commander knew the truth about the past to ensure the past remained hidden and the new beliefs were enforced.

The Queen was horrified by what she heard.

Natalie was outraged. “So everything we’ve built our new lives on has been based on a lie? On a decision of a few people imprisoned by something that happened long ago?” Natalie questioned the logic. “Everyone has gifts and talents; therefore, no one is better or deemed less than another. We were meant to grow and evolve, not stay the same.

“No one benefits by being small in their ideas and dreams. Everyone has a right to their own goals and aspirations and not have someone dictate to them that those dreams are impossible or against the law. Look at the damage that’s been done to our culture, to ourselves.”

Commander Critic kept silent, fearing what the butterflies would do if he spoke.

“I’ve come home to share with you what I’ve learned and to help you all evolve into butterflies.”

Within days, Natalie and Goldie opened their new business, Discover Your Wings, a coaching and mentoring service for assisting caterpillars and butterflies along in their journey. In the beginning it was difficult to break the old patterns of thought, but once more caterpillars began changing, the transformations became easier.

One afternoon Mr. Foland, the teacher who had punished Natalie for her imagination, fluttered in. “I hear you’re about to publish your writings,” he said in a soft tone while looking at the floor.

“Yes, as well as a new book.”

“I—um—I think I owe you an apology for the things I did,” he fumbled his words.

Natalie was taken aback by the unexpected words.

“I think you have great talent,” he continued, “and I’d like to be your editor if that would be alright with you.”

A smile from Natalie indicated that she accepted his apology and liked the idea. They sat over lunch and discussed her projects while his constructive comments added valuable insight to her plots.

Her mother became her biggest fan and did all her book printing and promotions.

“Ambassador Natalie!” Timmy was so excited he nearly flew into her.

“Timmy, please don’t call me that. My name is Natalie.” Natalie hated titles. She thought they got in the way and over-inflated egos. “What is it, Timmy?”

“Your new book, A Journey to Destiny, just arrived! The Queen of Destiny is requesting copies and is inviting you as a guest speaker.”

Her adventure stories, poems, and self-help books influenced young minds and began transforming the culture. And they didn’t lead to anarchy.

Because Natalie didn’t let Commander Critic or her own fears stop her, she influenced both her home and Destiny. The Queen saw the potential damage that could be done to her city by keeping her own secrets. Power shouldn’t include control and manipulation. She decided to tell both caterpillars and butterflies about the real Chrysalis magic, although they still use the ritual meeting place.

Commander Critic, who chose to remain a caterpillar, continues his beliefs and tries to instill them upon everyone, but Natalie’s gentle encouragement is louder than Critic’s pessimism.

Common Place was renamed Chrysalis to remind everyone of the transforming power that lies within each of them.

Part 1 and reviews
To purchase a copy of the book amazon

Book Review for Discover Your Wings

2011-08-31T18:10:00.000-07:00

Written for the City Sun Times in Phoenix, AZ.
The official review on line page 32

The headline: Teen Suicide in Arizona caught my attention and after reading the sobering article, I knew exactly which book I would review this month. There is an anonymous quote on the wall in my store: Why a book? Because a tie never changed anyone’s life. Local author and Certified Life Coach, Angela Dawnell Chase’s Discover Your Wings is one such book.

If you know a young person struggling to find their way in the world, and you don’t know what to say to them to help, give them a copy of Discover Your Wings. Chase’s part fable-part workbook can help both teens and adults work through their fears, frustrations, and failures and realize their confidence to soar.

Melanie Tighe is the owner of Dog-Eared Pages Used Books 16428 N. 32nd Street in Phoenix and a lifelong, lover of books. Visit her at dogearedpagesusedbooks.com

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=angela+dawnell+chase

Chapter Twenty-Five Making Lemonade--Breaking Free

2011-07-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

I look back on the sixteen years I was with Steve, and I find that I was indeed addicted to him, to our marriage, to always having us. I loved him, but I knew he didn’t love me fully in return. I let him treat me like garbage at times, even after promising myself that I would never let anyone ever treat me like that again. When you’re wrapped in the addiction, dependence and your past, you can make the world’s best excuses for not noticing and continuing. Conforming to a numbing misery was easier for me than change.

I kept thinking and praying that there was always hope, that one day he would see me for who I was, and that he would accept me. Not until he left me did I find how dependent I was on him. The enemy had me so wrapped up in Steve I couldn’t think of anything else. “You need him. You will never make it on your own. You’re a failure if you don’t get him back.” Those lies suffocated me. I couldn’t come up for air and see the great destiny ahead of me. I was consumed with the only thing I knew, a life with Steve. No matter how bad it was, it was what I was used to. It was all I thought I was worth.

My journey through my marriage, divorce and healing process was comparable to surviving a tsunami. There was a time in my life everything was great. I thought I had it all. But it was built on sand that became quick.

I stood on the shore looking out at the world around me when the great storm of my life struck. Waves of reality licked the sand beneath me, tickling the bottom of my feet. Slowly the water ate away the foundation from where I stood, subtle at first, then began to devour. Sand gave way, and I was sucked into the raging sea.

Tidewater pulled me under. I lost my direction. Which way was up, which way was down? Which way was life, which way was death? My lungs burned for air, my brain screamed with fright. Seeing the sand below me, I plunged toward death, grabbed at the earth and planted my feet firmly upon the foundation. I shot upward with all my strength, all my faith, so that I could break through the persistent, relentless waves above.

Muscles burned with exhaustion, but my instinct for survival was stronger. I will make it. I will survive. A few more feet and I was free! I sucked air into my tired lungs, my brain rejoiced; however, the feeling of freedom was short-lived as I looked around.

I had been pulled out to sea far from the life where I stood just a short while ago. I started swimming back to my life, but I was caught in the current, helplessly surrounded in calm, azure blue.

I surrendered, for the current was too strong. There was nothing to cling to for support. Preparing for death, I closed my eyes and prayed. In the presence of a surreal calm, I opened my eyes to see land ahead. Pure beauty beckoned me. I glimpsed at the old world behind and saw the truth for what it was. The air was contaminated with lies, and pain hung in the air black as ebony.

Ahead, I saw the virgin world that waited for me. A new chance filled with hope ascended upon the horizon. What I did in that world was my choice. I could keep it uncorrupted or I could allow my past and my mistakes to stain it. I had a choice. What was I going to do with it?

I love my new island. I love my life. I love my future. I gave God a chance, and He’s doing an awesome job.

In order to understand how I could stay in an abusive relationship, you have to understand my background. I wanted more than anything to be loved and accepted.

I never experienced a healthy relationship. Violence plagued both of my mother’s marriages. When my mother divorced my father, it was difficult for me because of my dad’s anger and, at times, hatred toward my mother. The physical abuse escalated. One night, he tried to strangle her in front of me.

Several times during my third grade year, my father kidnapped me to get back at my mom for leaving him, thus stunting my emotional and social growth for years. I felt like a pawn or a treasure chest. Who ever possessed the gold was the winner.

I felt guilty for loving my father. I was also angry with him. No child should ever have to feel guilt for loving a parent. Unable to process my feelings or express them, I shut down and psychologically withdrew.

During my parents’ divorce, mom and I stayed with my aunt and two cousins while she worked two shifts. This left me in the care of my older cousin and at the mercy of my male cousin who was my age.

Wanting love and attention, my vulnerability and innocence left me open to my male cousin’s sexual advances. His attention made me feel loved and worthy. Over time, shame for what I allowed to happen kept me from speaking up.

Withdrawing into my protective bubble, I grew angry and hated myself. I wasn’t a good person. Forcing the incident within the deep folds of my mind, I actually forgot about it for twenty-eight years.

In junior high, due to my shyness and unattractive appearance, I was beat up and emotionally tormented. My friendships were even toxic and conditional.

During my mother’s second marriage, my step-father controlled, abused, and divided her and me for years.

When I met Steve, I thought I found a healthy relationship. He had a great family. Whereas my life was chaotic and stressful, his life seemed wonderful and normal. I wanted to be a part of his world more than anything because I thought it would rescue me from mine. I did everything I knew how to do, including deceit, to find a better life. I learned the hard way that you cannot take someone else’s life and dreams as your own, and you cannot force someone to love you.

The relationship proved to be more harmful than my home life. I went to bed by myself. Steve woke in the middle of the night to surf Internet pornography rather than seek me. I told him he was the love of my life, and he said that I was not. But I put up with it because I grew up poor and always in need, and now I lived in Florida. I had a house with a pool, a new car, and I could buy anything I wanted. My ex-husband made good money. Without him, none of this was possible. I could sacrifice love, right?

In the beginning of our marriage, I did not fully grasp what I was doing to myself. I was tradin my respect for convenience and comfort. On a larger scale, I did love my husband and wanted our marriage to be real and wanted the fairy tale ending where everyone lives happily ever after. Instead, I became addicted to another unhealthy lifestyle. I traded one prison for another. Yes, he had a great life, and I was part of it and was extremely miserable. My parents were warning me and trying to save me, but what did they know? They had their own issues; therefore, I thought I knew something they didn’t.

It was easy to lie to myself, and after awhile, I believed in the fantasy I created. There are a lot of women out there who put up with harmful relationships for the status and convenience, and they, too, live in a plush prison.

I thought that if I left Steve that I would never be anyone; that I could never survive; that I was destined for failure. I was wrong. By him leaving me, I became someone. I did survive. I did not fail. I finally landed a great job with a great company. I bought a house. I kept my house through the financially difficult times. I found a wonderful life. I found the true love of my life. I discovered who I am and what my purpose is. I can tell you from experience that if you know and love who you are and know your purpose in life, it’s the most empowering feeling. I discovered I would rather live in a cardboard box if it meant having freedom, love, happiness and knowing my purpose than be imprisoned with material fulfillment.

I never would have accomplished this had God returned me to my husband and my old life. Incredibly painful as it was to start over and find myself again, it was worth every moment I suffered. Through the suffering, I grew and found the strength and courage beyond an army.

The dreams that I had once are now slowly becoming a reality. Maybe I’m not where I should be at this point in life. In fact, I know I was derailed from where God intended for me to be through circumstances and my own discouragement, but the important part is that I am fulfilling them now; I’m back on track. What was meant to harm me made me wiser, stronger and more determined than ever.

Caribbean Vacation--A Diary--Costa Rica

2011-05-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

(Disclaimer: Only books are professionally edited. Not my blogs.)

April 16th/Day 6

Puerto Limon, Costa Rica. I’ve seen Costa Rica on the Home and Garden Channel, been envious of people who’ve vacationed and gone to live there. It was one place I definitely wanted to see.

We began our day by boarding a bus to enjoy an afternoon of hiking through the rainforest and learn how chocolate’s made.

I’ve been seeing butterfly clothes, accessories, pictures, as well as live butterflies on the trip and today I saw this:

Many butterflies were blessing our trip.

Apparently this butterfly didn’t bless this journey. The bus ride quickly went from two hours to three. A Chiquita Banana truck decided to over-turn over on the main two-lane road. Traffic was backed up for miles in each direction. It was a very. Long. Trip.

These weird-looking sacs are bird's nests.

Question: What kind of shoes would you wear while hiking through a rainforest?

Arriving at La Tirimbina Rainforest, I noticed all but three of us were wearing flip-flops. I kid you not. We had to wait for the Clueless Clan to change into a stunning pair of galoshes that I don’t think had ever been washed. Hello foot fungus!

The suspension bridge stretched out ahead and disappeared into the lush foliage; below, a river that would become full during the rainy season. Once on the other side, we were transported into a Keebler Elf’s dream. Overhead, the dense canopy blocked the sun. Archways of vines tangled their way above our heads and around trees. A brick path complimented by wooden steps guided visitors to their destination.

The trees are alive! Can you see the face?

We found ourselves at a small, wooden structure where we would watch the entire process of how chocolate was made originally and how they do it today. The unprocessed cocoa bean is bitter and doesn’t taste like chocolate.

The fruit.

Single cocoa bean

How they ferment the beans. They cover with the palm frond and put a lid on it. Then they dry it in the sun.

They grind the dried beans and add in sugar and cinnamon.

Further grind it to make a paste. Then they mix in water for dark chocolate or milk for milk chocolate.

Fun fact of the day: white chocolate isn’t chocolate. It’s cocoa butter.
Chocolate was originally used in corn and chili. They had no idea what a sweet-tasting gold-mine they had!

During the demonstration, a butterfly came to say hi. It demanded more attention than the chocolatiers preparing our treats. There were several winged beauties soaring through the air, but this one was large and magnificent.

It had at least a 6" wing-span.

More butterflies.

I was hungry and anxious to get back after the show. So when they dismissed us, hubby and I took off. It also allowed us to get pictures, enjoy the sounds of nature, and get better pictures from the suspension bridge.

Our group wasn’t as enthused about returning. In fact, the bus driver and tour guide were looking for them. There was concern in case the accident was still causing issues on our return trip. We went to the gift shop and were halfway through our lunch by the time the group decided to show up.

Exhausted, we meandered back to the bus to discover we had a hitch-hiker—a bee decided he wanted to go back with us. I promptly got off the bus when the woman started swatting at it and no one else got on in fear of retaliation from the stingy creature.

She eventually squashed the bee, opened the window, and threw the bee out the window . . . on me. Screaming, I jumped back while she had a look of horror on her face when she realized what she’d done. We both burst out laughing. That’s okay, I got even. I took a picture of her snoring away on the way back.

The way people drive in other countries and Caribbean Islands leaves me baffled that I haven’t been in an accident. I forgot to mention we almost died in Roatan as a garbage truck decided he wanted to pull out in front of us and our driver didn’t want to use the breaks. I sat in the front seat calmly thinking, I’m gonna die today.

On the way back, I witnessed several trucks and cars playing chicken with our tour bus. It was scary at first, but soon passed the time.

There were so many trucks! And they loved to pull out in front of you.

Thankfully the accident was cleaned up and we got back in two hours.

Arriving back on board, we quickly showered, had pictures taken, and headed to the Cirque (du Soleil's) Equinox show. I’d never seen them live, only on TV. I even saw a special on HBO about how they’re recruited and train. I was so looking forward to seeing them live I talked about it for months. http://www.nervelessnocks.com/cirque/cirqueintro.htm

A few acrobats dressed in elaborate costumes entertained the audience. Several times they startled people who were oblivious to their presence to include me and Travis. One guy dropped down from the ceiling and patted me on the top of my head. Later, Travis kissed me on the cheek and I looked over and started laughing. He turned to see what I was laughing at and jumped when he saw a woman staring at him with a funny expression.

Then the show started. It was incredible!!!! If you ever get a chance to see them, do.

What made their balancing skills more remarkable was the fact the ship was gently swaying during their entire performance.

After the show, we went to another specialty restaurant, The Silk Harvest (Asian Cuisine) where we had an amazing break-through! Travis finally learned how to eat with chopsticks! We ate peanuts with our chopsticks until dinner arrived.

We didn't have a sunset that night so I leave you with our moon pictures.

Caribbean Vacation--A Diary--Sea Day--How to Embarrass a Husband

2011-05-19T13:11:00.000-07:00

April 15th/Day 5

Sea Day. Enjoyed embarrassing my hubby by wearing my bathrobe while strolling around the ship.

Unlike most cruise lines, Celebrity gives you robes to wear while on board ship. I found coming back from the pool area in my wet suite a bit chilly. Celebrity loved their air conditioning. It was practically snowing in the hallways.

Many on board were getting sick—a hack-hack here; a hack-hack there. To keep from getting sick, I wore my robe to and from the pool. However, there were times we had lunch or perused the shopping area while bundled in the robe.

I got many a strange look from the well-dressed vacationers. Some days I felt as if I were walking through Scottsdale Fashion Square Mall. I loved the comfy robe dress with my hair pulled back and gladiator sandals look. It was a definite fashion statement! And I was proud to pull it off. Hubby, on the other hand, was not.

The best part—I didn’t get sick!

Hubby brought me breakfast from the Sea View Café and we ate on the balcony. Travis witnessed one of our “Celebrities” cutting in line at the omelet stand demanding her order. When a gentleman told her there was a line, she gave him a dirty look and walked off.

Later that night we became contortionists intertwined on top of a sheet—hey, get your mind out of the gutter!—for pictures night. My hip wasn’t the same after the many poses, and I realized my age as I pulled myself off the floor and limped to dinner. They turned out to be my favorite set of photos.

God ended the day with a never-ending sunset. Long after the sun surrendered to the sea, the canvas remained.

Caribbean Cruise--A Diary--Day Four/Roatan, Honduras

2011-05-16T16:35:00.000-07:00

April 14th

Exploring a new country—Central America. Roatan, Honduras was gorgeous. Our ship docked off a beautiful reef, and we were greeted by native dancers and singers.

I want to live in the house with the red roof on the hill.

The beautiful reef.

Today’s exciting adventure: swim with the dolphins. I’m happy to say we did have some time to shop. I found a butterfly shirt.

After piling into an over-crowded van taxi, we were shuttled to St. Anthony’s Key Resort. This resort has a history for my husband. In 2001, he and his ex-wife honeymooned there. He talked about the romantic setting, the cabanas and the dolphins they swam with.

The last time he was there he was miserable. Let’s just say the honeymoon was a precursor to how their 7 month marriage would become. For many years he desperately wanted to take me to this very spot and exercise the demons.

St. Anthony’s was as romantic as it was beautiful. Tranquil water surrounded the secluded island housing many cabanas. The only way across to the restaurant and main island was by boat.

Left: Cabanas Right: Dolphin Pen

Close-up of cabanas

We boarded a small dive-boat and headed to the dolphin pen. When we arrived, the dolphins greeted us and were anxious to show us their amazing tricks and give their kisses.

Dolphins greeting us.

I have an issue with getting into cold water—anything below 85 degrees. From the time we planned the vacation, I prayed the water would be warm enough for me to get in. I guess I left out the I hope there’s no cold wind part. It was breezy—a nice breeze if you were walking around, but not so nice when you’re trying to talk yourself into getting in cool water.

The water got to my bare stomach causing me to shiver. Trainer and dolphin awaited us much deeper in. Thankfully, the water warmed up and engaging with the dolphin distracted me a bit.

The dolphin, Mr. French, allowed us to touch his skin, fins and even his teeth. After a brief introductory of dolphin anatomy and many mackerel awards, we got our pictures taken with him. We were even “French” kissed.

Trainer is pointing to a small hole which is his ear.

Most dolphins will not hold a mackerel in their mouths. They're too busy inhaling them.

Posing for the camera was no easy feat. Mr. French was quite heavy, the waves were knocking me around, and my feet were slipping in the sand.

Then Mr. French got to do what dolphins do best, play and show off.

Our sunset for the evening.

Fun dolphin fact: they make their noise through their blow-hole, not their mouths.

Fact about the Celebrity cruisers: they let the title of celebrity and the phrase, You're the star of your own cruise get to their heads. We met a lady on the elevator wearing snorkeling gear. She indicated she was going to go snorkeling in the reef we docked at.

My husband asked if they would let her do that and she answered, "I don't care. I'll snorkel until they kick me out." Which they did. She didn't even ask.

Later that night at dinner, we were waiting for the 8:30 dinner. The staff keep the doors closed until they are ready for the next dinner. The very same lady walks up to the doors, opens them and just walked in.

My husband and I told her they weren't ready for us yet. She ignored us and kept on walking.

One of the many incidents we encountered.

Caribbean Vacation--A Diary--Day 3 Cozumel/Tulum Repost

2011-05-13T11:20:00.000-07:00

(Disclaimer: only my books are professionally edited. Not my blogs)

They deleted my original blog. Here is the repost.

April 13th,

In 2006 I went to Cancun for 4 days to celebrate my new life after my divorce. While there, I traversed through the Mayan ruins deep in the Yucatan jungle, Chi-Chen-Itza. Due to my short stay, I never got to see the other Mayan ruins near Cozumel, Tulum.

I began researching our excursions for our Caribbean cruise and saw, to my delight, Tulum was included! Finally, after nearly 5 years, I had a chance to go. As I read through the description of the tour, they mentioned having to go to the main land via ferry boat. Our ship had to dock on the island of San Miguel De Cozumel because there we no where to dock on the main land. The part that troubled me was that the water may be rough and to take precaution.

Armed with Dramamine and bread products for breakfast, I headed to the dock. I was feeling good until I saw the “ferry.” It was an enclosed pontoon speed boat. I kept looking for the windows—there had to be windows. They were covered up with black netting!

The barf boat/Cozumel ferry

I’m claustrophobic, and the thought of being stuck in that thing for 30-45 minutes was making me feel uncomfortable.
I can’t get out.
I can’t see.
I wasn’t happy.

Tulum. Pretty water. Ruins. Anything but this.
They shut the doors. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest.
You can do this, I tried to encourage myself. My stomach wasn’t buying the psycho babble.

Most tours hand out complimentary drinks or a snack.
They handed out barf bags.
Oh, Holy Hell!

Then they started the TV with the sound at a piercing volume. I thought if I watched it, it would relax me. Focusing on it made me sick. Travis and I discovered if we closed our eyes it made us feel better. I had to work hard on finding my happy place. He fell asleep.

Finally the engine slowed; the doors opened. I couldn’t get out fast enough. But what greeted me made it worth while. Turquoise water caressed soft, white sand. A light wind tickled palm fronds lining the beach.

We were quickly herded into our excursion category and told we couldn’t shop at any of the stores. My husband saw a Green Bay Packer’s poncho hanging in one of the shops and vowed, come hell or high water, he’d buy one.

After a 45 minute bus ride and a 10 minute walk, we arrived at Tulum. It was beautiful, but was disappointed that the ancient buildings were roped off, including the grass. At Chi-Chen-Itza you get to climb and touch the buildings, except for the large pyramid. Too many people were falling off of it, and after climbing up to the observatory on small, damp steps, I could see why.

We only got to walk around for 45 minutes, which included the 10 minute walk back to the bus. This gave me little time to enjoy what I was seeing. It was click-a-picture-and-run.

Local inhabitant

They had workers in red shirts working on a few of the buildings who ended up in our photos, which was kind of annoying.

Tulum was worth seeing, but I didn’t have the same amazing experience as I did at Chi-Chen-Itza. I felt cheated on time to fully explore and interact with history.

The ride back to our ship loomed in the back of my mind. I kept asking God if it were possible to sit near a window this time. Maybe I could pull back the netting just enough to see. My prayer was answered when we were the first group on. I ran for the front row window.

This ferry was larger and had regular pull-down shades. Immediately, I opened the shade. I didn’t care what anyone said. Apparently no one else cared, either, because every shade was pulled up. The twelve miles back was much more enjoyable.

As soon as we docked, Travis ran for the shops. We had twenty minutes before we had to board ship. Travis started asking the shop vendors, who were relaxing outside, if they had the Packers poncho. Sure enough, one of them got up and found the item. Meanwhile, I found a Cozumel tee-shirt with the Mayan Calendar and a gecko that changed colors in the sun.

There were other items I wanted to buy, but we were short on time and Travis brought the wrong credit card. I personally think it was a plot to keep me from spending money.

That night we ate at our first specialty restaurant, The Murano. It was the best dinner I’ve ever eaten in my life.

To clean our pallet, we were given salmon mousse with caviar. In all honesty, it tasted like tuna fish and I don’t do caviar. I gave it to Travis who loved it. I had crispy, seared sweetbread followed by a fancy salad that looked like art while hubby had the warm goat cheese souffle and creamy maine lobster bisque.

The main course was the Surf and Turf, fillet minion with red wine veal sauce and the largest lobster I’ve ever seen done Thermidor style.

Dessert consisted of a selection of six shot-glasses filled with yummy goodness. After dessert, they gave us more chocolates. Now I’m a person who never, ever gives up sweets, but I was so full, I had them package it to go.

We decided to walk off the dinner. We made our way to the upper deck to walk the track around the ship.

Lesson: never walk in the wind with a flowy dress. A gust of wind came up behind me and blew the back of my dress nearly over my head so everyone could view my polka-dotted Victoria’s Not-So-Secret underwear. Frantically, I recovered the dress to its desired position.

I turned to see if anyone saw the display and, sure enough, there was a young guy behind me with a look on his face of shock. I just started laughing hysterically. Travis was clueless to the entire event.

That was a good way to end a perfect day for sure!

Caribbean Vacation--A Diary--Day Three

2011-05-11T16:55:00.000-07:00

(Disclaimer: only my books are professionally edited. Not my blogs.)

April 13th

In 2006 I went to Cancun for 4 days to celebrate my new life after my divorce. While there, I traversed through the Mayan ruins deep in the Yucatan jungle, Chi-Chen-Itza. Due to my short stay, I never got to see the other Mayan ruins near Cozumel, Tulum.

I began researching our excursions for our Caribbean cruise and saw, to my delight, Tulum was included! Finally, after nearly 5 years, I had a chance to go. As I read through the description of the tour, they mentioned having to go to the main land via ferry boat. Our ship had to dock on the island of San Miguel De Cozumel because there was no where to dock on the main land. The part that troubled me was that the water may be rough and to take precaution.

Armed with Dramamine and bread products for breakfast, I headed to the dock. I was feeling good until I saw the “ferry.” It was an enclosed pontoon speed boat. I kept looking for the windows—there had to be windows. They were covered up with black netting!

The Barf Boat, Cozumel Ferry.

I’m claustrophobic, and the thought of being stuck in that thing for 30-45 minutes made me feel uncomfortable.

I can’t get out.
I can’t see.
I wasn’t happy.

Tulum. Pretty water. Ruins. Anything but this.
They shut the doors. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest.
You can do this, I tried to encourage myself. My stomach wasn’t buying the psycho babble.

Most tours hand out complimentary drinks or a snack.
They handed out barf bags.
Oh, Holy Hell!

Then they started the TV with the sound at a piercing volume. I thought if I watched it, it would relax me. Focusing on it made me sick. Travis and I discovered if we closed our eyes it made us feel better. I had to work hard on finding my happy place. He fell asleep.

Finally the engine slowed; the doors opened. I couldn’t get out fast enough. But what greeted me made it worth while. Turquoise water caressed soft, white sand. A light wind tickled palm fronds lining the beach.

We were quickly herded into our excursion category and told we couldn’t shop at any of the stores. My husband saw a Green Bay Packers poncho hanging in one of the shops and vowed, come hell or high water, he’d buy one.

After a 45 minute bus ride and a 10 minute walk, we arrived at Tulum. It was beautiful, but was disappointed that the ancient buildings were roped off, including the grass. At Chi-Chen-Itza you get to climb and touch the buildings, except for the large pyramid. Too many people were falling off of it, and after climbing up to the observatory on small, damp steps, I could see why.

Local inhabitant.

We only got to walk around for 45 minutes, which included the 10 minute walk back to the bus. This gave me little time to enjoy what I was seeing. It was click-a-picture-and-run.

They had workers in red shirts working on a few of the buildings who ended up in our photos, which was kind of annoying.

Tulum was worth seeing, but I didn’t have the same amazing experience as I did at Chi-Chen-Itza. I felt cheated on time to fully explore and interact with history.

The ride back to our ship loomed in the back of my mind. I kept asking God if it were possible to sit near a window this time. Maybe I could pull back the netting just enough to see. My prayer was answered when we were the first group on. I ran for the front row window.

This ferry was larger and had regular pull-down shades. Immediately, I opened the shade. I didn’t care what anyone said. Apparently no one else cared, either, because every shade was pulled up. The twelve miles back was much more enjoyable.

As soon as we docked, Travis ran for the shops. We had twenty minutes before we had to board ship. Travis started asking the shop vendors, who were relaxing outside, if they had the Packers poncho. Sure enough, one of them got up and found the item. Meanwhile, I found a Cozumel tee-shirt with the Mayan Calendar and a gecko that changed colors in the sun.

There were other items I wanted to buy, but we were short on time and Travis brought the wrong credit card. I personally think it was a plot to keep me from spending money.

That night we ate at our first specialty restaurant, The Murano. It was the best dinner I’ve ever eaten in my life.

To clean our pallet, we were given salmon mousse with caviar. In all honesty, it tasted like tuna fish and I don’t do caviar. I gave it to Travis who loved it. I had crispy, seared sweetbread followed by a fancy salad that looked like art while hubby had the warm goat cheese souffle and creamy maine lobster bisque.

The main course was the Surf and Turf, fillet minion with red wine veal sauce and the largest lobster I’ve ever seen done Thermidor style.

We decided to walk off the dinner. We made our way to the upper deck to walk the track around the ship.

Lesson: never walk in the wind with a flowy dress. A gust of wind came up behind me and blew the back of my dress nearly over my head so everyone could view my polka-dotted Victoria’s Not-So-Secret underwear. Frantically, I recovered the dress to its desired position.

I turned to see if anyone saw the display and, sure enough, there was a young guy behind me with a look on his face of shock. I just started laughing hysterically. Travis was clueless to the entire event.

That was a good way to end a perfect day for sure!

Our sunset for the evening.

Caribbean Cruise Vacation -- Day 2

2011-05-06T12:17:00.000-07:00

April 12

Sea day. Sea days marked lazy days of sleeping, relaxing and swimming in the solarium, the indoor pool.

This is where we were after melting on long, hot excursions as well as sea days. The tranquil atmosphere was filled with the sound of this lighted waterfall and classical music. There were only a few days they turned on the fiber-optic light show. No one under 18 was allowed, and I was protected from the harsh sun from the outdoor pool.

First day at sea signified formal night which promised a good dinner. I love dressing for formal night since I rarely get to dress up for events. We lined up for formal pictures in various back-drops; however, they were out-done by God's creation outside.

Caribbean Vacation -- A Diary -- First Day

2011-05-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

April 11 -- First Day on the Ship, Celebrity Equinox.

The first day of exploring a new ship is exhilarating. We got on board around 1:00 and headed up to the food trough known as the Sea View Cafe. The food was good, but the variety was . . . well, strange. Catering to higher-class taste buds.

After eating, we ventured through the ship while waiting for the state room to be ready for us. The first stop on the agenda, go to the specialty restaurants and book our reservations. Remember how I mentioned I saw butterflies every day on our trip? The corridor to the fancy dining was butterfly alley. Beautiful pictures of butterflies lined the walls, each lit by their own light hanging above the frame. I had to smile.

The next compartment to explore was the upper deck with the swimming pool, solarium (indoor pool), and the grassy section. Yes, they had grass on board! Being from Arizona where grass is as foreign as a good Italian restaurant, I was thrilled!

Finally we were cleared to go to our rooms. The first item to be relocated was that stupid, unnecessary coffee table they put in every room. Cruisers, you know what I'm talking about. Due to the close/bathroom arrangement we were able to put it right by the cabin door and put my makeup and extra towels on it.

Travis began unpacking. His suitcase was sprawled out in the middle of the floor. Attempting to walk around the annoying obstacle that just had to be in the middle of the floor, I slipped on the open top and my foot went under the wooden couch frame. As I attempted to dislodge my foot, I scrapped it and managed to bruise the top of my foot. It hurt like hell and began turning red immediately. Great, first day and I hurt the top of my foot. All I could think about was trying to walk and hike on our excursions and being in pain or not being able to get into my shoes with the swelling.

I sat down and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and began icing it and took 4 Ibuprofen. Our state room attendant came by and saw I injured myself and got me an ice bag. Thanks to my quick thinking, my foot didn't hurt or cause me issues, although the colors were very pretty.

Click on the picture and you can see the foot on the right has red bands on it from the bruising and pattern of my shoe.

Leaving Ft. Lauderdale, we encountered a sunset outside of Miami I call Tangerine Dreams. It was one of many breath-taking sunsets we would see. The buildings of Miami looked surreal, like whitish-gray ghosts from a forgotten city.

Pulling out of dry-dock. My Jedi-Mind-Master outfit.

Holy Tea – A Bowel Story

2011-05-05T17:39:00.000-07:00

Part 1 – A History

(Disclaimer--Keep in mind all of my books are professionally edited. Not my blogs.)

There was a time in my life I was extremely jealous of other people. It wasn’t for their status, their things, their wealth—it was because they could go to the potty on a regular basis! You may think this is stupid, trivial, down-right ridiculous even unless you suffer from this annoying ailment yourself.

So many people suffer from IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) or other equally as fun disorders of the bowel. Nothing is worse than being constantly constipated leaving me able to, if I’m lucky, go to the bathroom once a week. By then, it is usually a painful process of trying to eliminate golf balls or I get so fed up I take a laxative and prepare for the painful cramping and the diarrhea that leaves me feeling exhausted and dehydrated.

Oh, and an extra fun bonus, fiber makes me worse! I could eat salad, fiber cereals and drink water and fiber drinks until the cows came home and it only made it worse. According to my mother’s doctors, water isn’t getting into the intestinal ducts properly to aide the fiber, so I may as well be eating cement.

Yes, there are medications that can be taken—unless you’re my family. In our family what works for others doesn’t work for us and usually things are completely opposite.

Most, if not all, the medications warn to not use if you have ulcers or acid reflux disease. I have both and was unable to take medications. I even got sick on the acid reflux medication prescribed to me. I felt like I had the flu, and it seemed to make my bowels more irritable making me feel like I was going to throw up.

So this leads me to my family history. All the women in my family have this issue. We all have a grab-bag of disorders. God either got bored one day or someone in the family pissed off a gypsy. None of us have the same problems but the one. My grandmother fought The Great Battle of the Bowels to the point she had the opposite problem and developed chronic diarrhea. I thought it was just my grandmother that went through this terrible complication. Then I realized my mother was having the same issues. I saw how sick she was becoming, heard about all the procedures she underwent.

The sad conclusion for my mother, which also translates over to the rest of my family, became Chronic Idiopathic Constipation. In short, “We have no idea what you have and how to fix it, but here is another pill.” My mom, and I’m sure my grandmother, became frustrated with uncaring doctors and their prescription pads scribbled with false hope.

None of these pharmaceutical “miracle” pills worked for my mother. If something did work, it quit after a very short time.

Funny note about prescription medications: they kill the natural flora in your bowels. So you take the medication to eliminate the waste, but at the same time you’re killing the good bacteria in your body that is essential for this process. It only becomes a vicious cycle with no actual healing or cure.

I knew I was in for the same fate since my problems were only getting worse and nothing was helping. There was a time when I actually wished God would end my life before I reached that critical point. My younger sister was showing signs, too.

I HATE medical procedures—in fact, I’d call it a phobia. I have panic attacks around needles and blood. I don’t go to the doctor unless it is my yearly pap exam and that makes me hyperventilate. I haven’t had my blood drawn since I was two. There was no way I could imagine going through all the procedures my mom went through.

Along with not being able to go to the bathroom are weigh-gain, bloating, and painful gassy cramps that leave you crying on the potty. Some days I looked like I was six months pregnant. My lower back hurt from carrying the weight, and I didn’t feel good. My periods were the worst! Painful cramps interfered with my life and sometimes caused me to go home from work.

I also have a condition called Candida, bad yeast, in my body. This gut-full-of-fun gave me bad breath, a funny sour taste in my mouth, and a white-coated tongue. I’m sure it was a contributing factor in the bloating, too. You can imagine what that does for my self-confidence! I got this from constantly being diagnosed with Bacterial Vaginosis and given prescription medication. It took an OBGYN who knew what they were doing to tell me that I was a carrier and my body would have out-breaks and heal itself and no amount of medication would cure this. It was just a part of me. But the damage had been done. I tried taking a natural supplement, but it made me sick—what a shocker—and it didn’t seem to work.

I’m now 40. I recently went on vacation for 11 nights in the Caribbean. I was constipated 8 days of the cruise. Horrible bloating, cramps and not being able to fit in my clothes put a bit of a damper on my fun and made me self-conscious in my swimsuit.

Shortly before the cruise, my mom was going on about this stuff called Holy Tea. I decided I was going to try it when I got home.

My new chapter begins . . . . May my journey offer others hope.

Part II

On Wednesday, I finally got my Holy Tea in the mail, quickly opened it and began brewing the magical blend.

So what is Holy Tea? http://www.astrologyzine.com/health/holy-tea-questions.shtml

BREWING INSTRUCTIONS: The directions that come with the package suck to say the least. Heat up 1 Quart of water. DO NOT BOIL. Use two tea bags and let sit covered for 4-6 hours. Refrigerate WITH the tea bags.

That night I drank my 8 oz of tea as the directions indicated. It tasted like any other herbal tea, and I felt good. The next day, however, things were not so pleasant. I was going to the bathroom, but my stomach was upset, burning and I and felt warm. By Friday I was miserable.

I was suffering the past few days from:

Headaches
Fever
Stomachache along with a burning sensation
Sore, tight muscles
Gassy (Warn your loved ones and pets to steer clear!)
Feeling strange and disoriented

I called my mom and she said she didn’t experience any of this. Of course, I’d be the one having all the fun! Not everyone will experience this. It depends on how your body detoxes.

Saturday morning, around 1:00 AM, I was in so much pain. I found the page I mention above. Then I realized why I was experiencing these symptoms. The bad bacteria were dying off and releasing the toxins. It was doing its job. Read more about this on their page.

Thankfully I found this page because I nearly quit!

My Solution

I began with smaller doses of tea only once a day. Although they indicated that too weak of a tea may not give you the desired results, it was working for me. I drank 4 oz of tea diluted to make 8 oz and drank it once a day every other day for a few days. Once my system was geared up for the detox, I began drinking 8 oz at full strength every day.

I am on my second week of the tea, and I will continue blogging the results. So far I'm pleased with the results, but it will be a long journey to complete wellness. I hope this helps you. If you experience unpleasant symptoms, DON'T STOP!

It has been 8 weeks. I drink 8 oz daily. Make sure you drink lots of water/fluids or it will constipate you. I eat before drinking the tea. I don't take the tea at night because for some reason I can't sleep. Not sure why. This is a tea you experiment with to get your desired results. For the first time, I'm able to go to the bathroom every day.

It is now October and my life has really changed. My skin and health has greatly improved. I have started exercising, changing my eating habits and feel incredible. This is an amazing journey to rediscovering my health! In fact my results have been so noticeable, my husband is now drinking the tea.

Caribbean Vacation--A Diary

2011-04-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

August 2010 my husband and I booked an 11 night cruise to the Caribbean on Celebrity for April 2011. For nine months I was looking forward to a much needed vacation. Slowly the calendar rolled around to the magical day of April 8, 2011.

The flight to Ft. Lauderdale, FL, was four hours. I was anxious to see Florida again after eight years. It was my favorite place to live.

What amazed me about this vacation is from day one until day 14, we saw nothing but butterflies. They were everywhere! The flight attendant had on a butterfly badge holder and a ring. I just knew the flight would be smooth and uneventful. I even got to sit in the bulkhead—my favorite place to sit so I can get off the plane when it lands without having a panic attack. In the Ft. Lauderdale airport I saw a gold butterfly in the mosaic floor tiles.

Lush, green plant life, palm trees, white sand and the turquoise ocean greeted me. April humidity was low and it was breezy. Florida was just how I remembered it. I was homesick.

April 9th:

A Packer’s fan and friend of my husbands’ decided he wanted to show us the great places of his home. I lived in Tampa, so this was all new to me as well. He took us to a great Italian restaurant, Umberto’s of Long Island, he’s been frequenting for decades. This little hole-in-the-wall was worth the drive to Hollywood.

Upon returning to our hotel, he drove us to another hot spot called Grandpa’s Bakery and Restaurant. He told us that we absolutely had to eat there before we left for our cruise. This hole-in-the-wall had been around for decades as well and made it to the Food Network Channel. Then he showed us Jackson’s Ice Cream Parlor in the next parking lot and said the same thing. The line to this establishment was long outside the door and there were crowds of people eating outside.

April 10th:

The next morning we drove back to Grandpa’s and waited in the long line to be seated. In the meanwhile, you were tortured with the bakery case full of homemade goodies that got your appetite stirring. We were not disappointed with the wait or the breakfast. They were not skimpy on the food.

Along with water, we received apple fritter pastries while we waited for our order. Plates flowing with food were distributed to other tables around us giving us a glimpse into what we were to expect. In the past few months I quit eating hash browns and french fries, but I couldn't resist the buttery-golden-brown goodness covering my omelet.

These were free! Handed to us as we waited.

There is an omelet under there somewhere!

That night, we returned to Jackson’s with our friend and waited in another long line. Many flavors of ice cream tantalized my taste buds as I salivated over the menu trying to decide what I wanted. The ice cream was incredible and they didn’t skimp on the amount either. Vanity llicense plates from all states adorned the walls. Old-fashion bikes, wagons, pots, jars hung from the ornate ceiling. In the front was an old piano and one of those scary looking fortune teller machines.

I hadn’t even begun the cruise and I was already gaining the pounds!

What Do I See?

2010-08-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

How so you see yourself? When you look in the mirror, do you see who you really are or are you too busy picking out your flaws and comparing yourself to other people?

Perfect is boring; flaws are a thing of beauty that set you apart from looking like everyone else. They make you uniquely you and not cookie-cutter. See the beautiful butterfly reflecting back in the mirror.

Owen Wilson’s trademark nose makes him unique.

According to Tyra Banks, she has a “five-head.” But she turned her flaw into a modeling career. "I've always been told by the fashion industry that if my forehead was an inch smaller, I would have been a little too plain-looking. The modeling industry can instill a lot of insecurity in women, but at the same time they find beauty in odd things," she says.

Angelina Jolie’s full lips were not in fashion before hitting the scene in the late 90's. Now everyone’s clambering for the Angelina pout.

Magazines have been responsible for destroying self-esteem in teens and adults for years thanks to the computer age. What you see on the cover and inside isn’t a real person. Those photographs have been airbrushed, even unnaturally enhanced.

This shocking video on Youtube, Dove Evolution, reveals how far an advertising campaign will go to find the ideal beauty.

Exercise 1
What do I see when I look in the mirror? Give an accurate statement about your appearance. You’re not allowed to list anything negative about your features. If you don’t like a particular feature, find a way to make it positive.

Negative example:
My hair is always flat and frizzy.
My eyes are too large for my face.

Accurate example:
I have beautiful blonde hair.
I have large brown eyes that smile at people.

Exercise 2 How do I think other people see me? Then ask 2-3 people who know you to write down what they see in you, how you look, and what you mean to them.

I AM a Butterfly!

2010-08-12T19:38:00.000-07:00

Who Am I?

Never give up on your dreams. The song in your heart proclaiming who you are cannot be silenced. If you refuse to hear the words and refuse to dance to the rhythm of the beat, you're not only cheating yourself of your destiny, you're cheating the world of the unique gifts only you can give.

Natalie wasn’t a superhero. She was just a girl who had dreams and wanted more for herself than what her family and city was offering her. If she was just an ordinary girl, what made her so unique and special that she had to find herself? It was her determination for a better life, no matter what. She was willing to leave everything she knew behind—her family and her comfortable surroundings to learn the truth about what lay beyond the walls of her community.

Your determination will be your uniqueness that will set you apart from others who only want the small, commonplace life and are willing to put up with that limited life everyone is always willing to offer them.

The power that elevates

is found in a brave, determined spirit.

~Mark Twain

Don’t settle for a small, commonplace life. Demand more for yourself. Declare, as of this moment forward, there will be no more limitations, and you are a butterfly!

“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely

in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside,

thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming

— Whoo Hoo — What a Ride!”

Everything we must have in order to become who we are is already inside us. I believe you’re born with your dream. After all, ask any small child and they’ll be happy to tell you their dream, but we lose sight of who we are and our dream when other people tell us negative things.

Be your own unique butterfly that you are and not a brainwashed caterpillar. You have your own destiny and flight path in the world. Don't be afraid to soar to new heights. Inspire. Be inspired.

Chapter Three of Discover Your Wings

2010-08-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

Sneek-peak of Chapter Three. For complete chapters you may order Discover Your Wings at Amazon.

Critic’s Arsenal

Weapons of Mass Distortion

Commander Critic is ruthless, and he doesn’t fight fair. There are many weapons within his arsenal.

It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.

~Sally Kempton

Distortions are bad habits of thinking that are based on your beliefs, and they will keep your wings forever locked within you where they will eventually wither and die.

Distortions include over generalizing, which is seeing a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of failure. Inner Critic uses words such as:

 Always
 All
 Everyone
 No one
 Every
 None
 Never
 Can’t
 Don’t

All or nothing thinking is your worst enemy for accomplishing goals. In this mindset, you think if something can’t be done perfectly, then it can’t be done at all, like missing a day of exercise or cheating on your diet. This thinking makes you believe you’ve failed and all is lost, so you give up.

So you missed a day at the gym or ate a few helpings of double chocolate molten lava cake. All is not lost! Your body won’t forget how to stop burning calories, and your muscles won’t turn into instant jelly. Resume your goal the next day.

Filtering is when you only focus on the negative and reject anything positive that happened. If anything, you can take away a good lesson from a bad experience.

Mind reading is assuming you know what other people are thinking about you. Do you ever feel like the whole world is against you?

You’re not clairvoyant! Stop it!

Maximizing or minimizing is when you’re making a mountain out of a molehill or you’re making a molehill out of a mountain.

There may be times when your problems may appear so large they’ll swallow you whole. Are your problems really as large as the bird that tried to eat Natalie, or do they just appear that way?

Emotional reasoning is when your emotions are making your decisions for you. This form of reasoning makes you assume your distorted feelings are fact.

Since emotional reasoning distorts your thought pattern, never make a decision until you’ve had time to regroup your brain cells.

Labeling is creating stereotypes for yourself and other people. Instead of describing the error, you attach a negative label. Labels are limiting and harmful.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

~W.C. Fields

Personalizing is when you see yourself as the cause of some negative event or decision that was made and feel it’s a personal attack on you.

Distortions were crawling everywhere in Common Place. That’s what distortions do; they keep you crawling along in a common place in life.

One tragic accident led a former Commander to jump to the conclusion that all caterpillars would be eaten if they ventured into the clearing. That conclusion caused generations of fear. No one was allowed to travel beyond the safety of the city borders. Seriously, all caterpillars would be eaten? This statement may sound ridiculous, but how often do you have these types of thoughts?

Commander Critic labeled everyone as leaf-gatherers and convinced them it was their chosen destiny. Natalie was labeled a trouble-maker for following her heart’s desires and not wanting to conform to a limiting life.

Remember when the Queen of Destiny declared Natalie was too old to change? You’re never too old to do anything you want to do!

You’re never too old to learn.
You’re never too old to dream.
You’re never too old to play.

Age is just a number to identify how long you’ve been on this earth. It has nothing to do with your goals, dreams, and adventurous spirit.

The Commander was quick to reassure everyone of Common Place that how you were born is how you'll be for the rest of your life. You may have been born into a circumstance, but your fate isn’t sealed in that circumstance. You choose your own path and destiny.

Why was Timmy able to transform into a butterfly in front of everyone? He was young and impressionable. His excitement overshadowed what he’d been taught long enough for him to believe in the idea; therefore, he was able to transform.

Learning too soon our limitations, we never learn our powers.

~Mignon

What is holding you back from truly discovering your wings?

Games Critic Plays

Remember playing the game Life when you were a kid? It was fun, and if your life didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to, it didn’t matter; it was all going back into the box at the end of the game. Real life is messy, and you can’t put it back in the box. You have to live with the consequences of bad choices and circumstances.

If Commander Critic can’t fight you in the present, he’ll play with your past and keep you running in circles like a dog chasing its own tail until you’re nothing but dizzy and exhausted.

ERROR! GAME OVER

Mistakes are assets; you learn valuable information from what didn’t work and why so you can move forward and discover what does work for you. What improvements need to be made?

You need to allow for a certain amount of mistakes to be made. However, if you keep making chronic mistakes in certain areas of your life, you need to find out why and possibly enlist help from friends or other outside sources to help you analyze from a different perspective why you keep making the same mistakes.

Mistakes should be called little learnings. Learn from them; don’t dwell on them. Even your worst mistakes can lead to something positive. Reframe your past failures into a positive experience.

If I hadn’t done _____________________, I never would’ve discovered _____________________.

If you stumble, make it part of your dance.

~Unknown

Everyone makes mistakes, even the most famous of inventors or businessmen.

Thomas Edison, most famous for inventing the light bulb, held 1,093 patents. Not every idea was a success. In 1899, he formed the Edison Portland Cement Company where he made everything from cement including pianos, houses, and phonograph cabinets.

The idea never came to fruition due to the expense of the cement. However, his idea was not a complete failure as his company was hired to build Yankee Stadium.

Edison wanted to bring sound to the silent film. In 1895, he introduced the kinetophone, a peep-hole motion picture viewer with a phonograph that played inside the cabinet. Sound could be heard through two ear tubes while the viewer watched the images.

The idea wasn’t popular and was abandoned in 1915. His motion picture camera, however, was a success.

What about Bill Gates? How many Windows and Office systems did he produce that were less than successful?

A clever man commits no minor blunders.

~Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Sometimes even life-threatening mistakes can lead to something good. Natalie ventured out the morning after the rain and failed to see the danger until it was too late. It nearly cost Natalie her life. But her mistake introduced her to Goldie who revealed to Natalie the truth that led her to her destiny.

Mistakes are just part of your cocoon that help you develop your wings.

If at first you don't succeed,

swallow all the evidence that you tried.

~Jane Seabrook

A Twister of Decisions

I should have, I shouldn’t have can leave you twisted up in knots.

No one is perfect and not all the decisions we make in life are the right ones for many reasons.

Are you judging yourself on a past decision or mistake in your life based on the current knowledge you have today? Did you make the best decision based on the knowledge you had at that time, or was it truly just a bad decision? Making a bad decision isn’t the end of the world. It can help you make better choices in the future.

When Natalie became lost in the thicket and panicked, all she could think about was how she should have heeded the warnings from the signs and should have listened to Commander Critic because he knew what was best for her.

She began second-guessing her decision to leave and wanted to turn back. There was no way Natalie could have known the dangers and challenges that waited for her. Not only had she never left the city, but no one else had in decades.

Everything beyond the border signs was new territory and a new experience for her. She made the best decisions at the time based on her limited amount of experience.

However, Natalie should have been paying more attention to her surroundings when she left the safety of the log and realized with the rain the worms would surface and draw out the birds. But she was preoccupied with her big adventure.

Thankfully, she wasn’t hurt. It’s a lesson she’ll never forget that will make her more aware and wiser in the future.

Relax. Forgive yourself for your past blunders. Hindsight is 20/20.

Happiness is nothing more than

good health and a bad memory.

~ Albert Schweitzer

The Blame Game

One of the hardest thing in life is to be accountable for your actions and take responsibility and ownership for your mistakes. It’s easier to blame someone else for them; however, if you can’t take responsibility for your mistakes, you can’t take credit for making the right choices.

As a child you don’t have a choice in how other people treated you; you may not have had control over the situation. As an adult you now posses that the power in how you handle yourself and your past.

Are you using what happened in the past as an excuse or crutch for not moving forward or for how your life turned out? Do you view yourself as a victim or a victor over your circumstances?

You can only blame people for so long. At some point, you become responsible for your actions. No matter what.

Natalie took responsibility and chose her own dreams rather than fall victim to the life that was offered to her.

SORRY!

When someone mentions the word forgiveness, it’s like a four-letter word that can send shivers up your spine. The reason most people have difficulty forgiving is because they don’t understand what it is and how it can set them free. Forgiveness gives you peace. Without it, there is no complete healing.

So let go of the baggage already! It’s unhealthy to hold onto every hurt someone inflicted on you. Unforgiveness is like pouring concrete on yourself; your heart will harden, and it will only turn you into an ugly statue frozen forever in one place.

So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is a decision that purifies the heart, releases the pain, hate, and bitterness from you when you release the offender over to the Universe to correct.

It’s the antidote for depression, anger, bitterness, spiritual and emotional illness, and loneliness. These all-consuming and obsessive feelings will poison your heart, your life, and every relationship you try to form.

Forgiveness is not forgetting what was done to you. You shouldn’t have to hide your pain; however, make sure you express it in a healthy way. Revenge is often messy.

You don’t need to reconcile with that person or even let them know you’ve forgiven them, just release them.

Saying you’re sorry is perhaps one of the hardest things a person can do. At least accept what they say. Accepting the apology clears the air and helps you heal. It doesn’t mean you don’t have to trust the person again or even have a relationship with them.

Only you can decide if you want to forgive. Until you do, it’s like being chained to the offender for the rest of your life because unforgiveness holds you hostage to the past, the offender, and keeps you from healing so you can move toward a healthy future.

Imagine yourself handcuffed to every person you’ve ever held a grudge against—your ex-spouse, the kid in fifth grade, an ex-friend. The chain is real. The people are real. The weight holding you back from trying to walk forward in your life is very real. You’re either laboring forward, out of breath and tired, or you’re stuck.

Unforgiveness binds you literally, in the spiritual sense, to that person and to the offense. The act of forgiveness is an exchange of power that breaks this binding force. Do you wonder why you walk around always feeling like that person is right there with you, and you can’t shake them from your life?

Only you hold the key to your self-made prison. Break the chains holding you in captivity.

Don’t give the offense or the offender all the power. You are better than the wrong done to you.

Not only is it important to have forgiveness for others, but also to have forgiveness for yourself, so you can make peace with your past and move forward.

We have to learn to be our own best friends

because we fall too easily into the trap

of being our own worst enemies

~Roderick Thorp

Natalie forgave her mother for the hurtful comments and even managed to look past the repeated incidents with Mr. Foland. The things said and done to Natalie hurt her deeply. She didn’t make excuses for their behavior. What they did was wrong, but she understood why they belittled her dreams and didn’t understand her.

After seeing and experiencing the wonders of Destiny, no one could blame Natalie for wanting to stay and never return home. She wanted to give Common Place a chance to see the truth so they could decide their own fate. What they did with that knowledge was up to them.

If things hadn’t changed, Natalie would have left so she could continue to grow and not be held back by her critics.

Natalie never forgot what Mr. Foland did to her. With his transformation, he realized what he did was horribly wrong and he wanted to let Natalie know he was sorry.

At first, she didn’t know how to handle the apology. Could she trust this person after everything he’d done? Was he sincere? Natalie realized how difficult it was for him to admit he was wrong and apologize. If she hadn’t accepted his apology, she not only would have missed out on a great editor, but she would have missed out on her own continued growth.

What about Natalie’s mother? She went from believing her daughter to be a delusional day-dreamer to helping her print her books. What could you be missing out on in your life?

The Queen of Destiny had to apologize to Natalie for assuming she was beyond the proper age to become a butterfly. She even had to apologize to the inhabitants of Destiny for withholding the truth of the true meaning of Chrysalis and correct a long-held belief.

I'm not old enough to play baseball or football. I'm not eight yet. My mom told me when you start baseball, you aren't going to be able to run that fast because you had an operation. I told Mom I wouldn't need to run that fast. When I play baseball, I'll just hit them out of the park. Then I'll be able to walk. ~Edward J. McGrath, Jr.

Exercise 21
How do I feel when I make mistakes? Am I overly hard on myself or judgmental?

Exercise 22
Do I often feel the need to strive for perfection? If so, when did I first realize I was imperfect or somehow flawed?

Exercise 24

How can I reframe my past failures to find something positive that I learned?

Exercise 25
What do I need or want to change about myself and my life? What are the verbal and mental triggers that keep holding me back?

Exercise 29
Journal about the people who have hurt you. Get out everything you ever wanted to say, but don’t send it to them! Later as you work through your emotions and can form an intelligent letter, write a new letter and send it if you still feel the need.

Exercise 30
The Garbage Can:

Write each failure and bad experience you had on a separate piece of paper.

Wad up each failure and bad experience one at a time, say “This is garbage. It’s not benefiting me and is wasted energy,” and throw it away.

As you throw away the negative away, keep focused on the lesson, and let the incidents go.

Write down the lesson you learned in this workbook below. This is what you want to remember from your experience.

Chapter Twenty-Three of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-06-27T13:03:00.000-07:00

Cinderella Found Her Fairy Tale

God sat, a silent spectator in the theatre of my mind, watching my heart play across the stage. My dreams, hopes and desires He captured, then gave me Travis.

September 29th, when Travis recited his vows, I felt him marry me for life. No glass slippers will be lost after midnight. My prince will not turn back into a frog, and my reality will be better than any fairy tale could ever promise, because this marriage didn’t come from a magic wand; it came from the love of my Father.

I really didn’t want the big wedding Travis envisioned. It sounded wonderful at first, but as the expense grew, I wondered if it was really worth it. Finding the wedding dress I wanted to wear was a complete nightmare. Several times I expressed my thoughts. I finally surrendered to the idea when his friends told me that Travis waited a long time for me.

Travis’ first wedding wasn’t pleasant. He and his wife fought the night before because they, too, were settling. His family didn’t expect it to last. They actually placed bets if the marriage would even last a year.

When I saw the wedding pictures, Travis and his bride looked as miserable as the family photographs from the early 1800’s. I felt he deserved to have a more positive experience.

We don’t subscribe to any formula for marriage other than one: 95% fun, 5% serious. And the serious is saved for when the house is burning down. We simply love and know each other’s heart. No problem or situation is more important than our marriage.

When we do “argue,” most of the time it ends in laughter. Married to Steve, I always prepared for the hurtful words or the look of disapproval. Whereas Steve brought out the worst in me, Travis brings out the best, the unconditional love in my heart and the forgiveness. Neither of us is perfect; neither intends to hurt the other.

We spend time giggling, laughing and tickling each other. My dad came to visit me while we were dating, and he told my mom we were like two kids. When my parents approved of Travis, I knew this union was from God. My mom even gave him a cross necklace that used to belong to my grandmother to say “welcome to the family.”

During our honeymoon at the Grand Canyon, I waited to take pictures of God’s awe-inspiring sunset. As daylight inhaled its last breath, clouds shifted, forming two blue hearts joined together. It seemed even God approved of this union. Quickly I snapped the picture.

Upon development, you could clearly see the image of Cupid stringing the hearts together in his bow. This time, I didn’t want to shoot Cupid back. ( Above right top of the heart is his head followed by the body/wings.)

Cards, once given out of obligation to celebrate an event in my old marriage, are now given just because in my new relationship.

Often I glance over at him or look deep in his eyes and wonder, did I really die that night in October and God is showing me a life that I could have had? Or is he just a dream, a foreshadowing of a future yet to come, and I will find myself back in my bed in Lake Havasu longing to be living my dream?

What did I do right in my life to deserve such a loving person who loves and adores me and supports my ambitions, and has kissed away my disappointments as I strive toward my dreams?

There will be no lost slippers made of glass and no clock that strikes twelve. Truly, we are married until death do us part. No battle that comes our way is fought alone, for we stand strongly beside each other. My circumstances are his; his are mine. One flesh. One heart. One life.

This is the poem I wrote for my husband on our wedding day.

To The Love of My Life

In the spring of 2005, I fired my fairy god mother.

With a simple prayer I enlisted the God Father.

Ask and you shall receive,

For all you have to do is believe.

“God, you know what I want, you know who I need.

You have given me a great life, but I need help in my journey.

Go seek the perfect person for me.

When you find him, write his name upon my heart;

Write my name upon his heart.”

While in the gray shades of my life, I dreamed of enchanted castles

And of shadows of love dancing by the light of candles.

Looking at the world through my garden of milk weeds and thistles,

Heaven responded to a desperate prayer

And sent a Prince who was kind, loving, and who would always care.

Our love endured and grew through a lost job,

A lost and found dog,

And financial happenstance

Because LOVE always prevails through any circumstance.

On this great journey and ride of my life,

I am incredibly blessed that God chose me to be your wife.

Of all the miracles I have received, big and small

You are the greatest of all.

Your love gave an Angel flight;

You have even re-inspired me to write.

Caught in your enchantment, you lift my dreams higher,

Comforted by your love, my heart you inspire.

I believe in you, I believe in us.

I am looking forward to the future God has for us.

I know there will be days I trade my halo for horns

And my temper as sharp as thorns,

But always know I love you

And that my love for you is always true.

At the stroke of twelve there will be no lost slippers made of glass,

No carriages turned to pumpkins because the fairy tale wouldn’t last.

For our love will dance throughout all time;

Forever in my heart you are always mine.

Your Angel

(I would like to add that this poem has been tested since it was written. The day my book was published was the day I lost my job. Yes, another lost job! And my two dogs also died within the year of our first marriage. I'd like to say it's been all wine and roses, but more like sour grapes and thorns. Our love has been tested and still endures because he didn't marry me for money. He didn't marry me for my job. He simply married me.)

Another Sneek-Peak of The Confident Butterfly

2010-06-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

Are you tired of people telling you who you are? Are you a Natalie or just another brain-washed caterpillar accepting other people's beliefs for your life? Be strong. Be confident. Be a butterfly.

After all the new butterflies were gathered, the Queen joined them to speak a final blessing. “Today you are new creatures with an incredible future filled with dreams and hopes. You're no longer bound to the earth. Now you can soar to wherever your spirit leads you. Let your dreams be your guiding spirits as you continue to grow and develop and explore the world around you. Congratulations on your first step to becoming everything you know you can become.”

Mesmerized by the Queen’s inspiring words, Natalie began to cry as she felt her wings stirring within her. She wished everyone in Common Place could’ve heard the message and wondered what her city would be like if they had.

Butterflies flew high into the air like wild confetti as everyone headed toward the great feast leaving the Queen, who was always the last to join. Goldie chose this moment to speak to her.

“Your Majesty, Natalie’s missed her deadline to change and she needs to be admitted to the Chrysalis Chamber.” Goldie pleaded.

The Queen was curious. “What’s the reason your transformation hasn’t taken place, Natalie?”

“No one in my city ever told us we’re supposed to change.”

“You’re not from Destiny?”

“No. I’m from Common Place on the other side of the river where our leader never told us about butterflies. He says that all we’ll ever become is what we currently are.”

“So your leader lied to the inhabitants of Common Place?” She was shocked and angry.

Natalie thought about her question and didn’t know the answer herself. “I don’t know if he lied or doesn’t know himself.”

“There are no butterflies in Common Place at all?”

“No, just caterpillars.”

“Very strange. I’ve never heard of this happening before. How did you happen upon this knowledge about butterflies, then?”

“I left my home to go on a great adventure, and that’s when I met Goldie.” She pointed to her friend. “She told me everything. She told me I had to come here so that I could become a butterfly.”

The Queen thought for a long moment before asking, “Why did you leave your home?”

Natalie shared with the Queen what her life was like at home.

“How old are you, Natalie?”

“Seventeen.”

“I’m sorry. You’re too old, and you haven’t been indoctrinated with our beliefs. Therefore, the Chrysalis Chamber’s magic will not transform you,” the Queen stated. She bowed her head, “I can’t help you.” She turned to fly toward the party.

Natalie stood flabbergasted; she could feel her heart breaking. This couldn’t be happening! She had to do something before all was lost to her.

“Wait!” Natalie shouted at the Queen before she could leave.

The Queen was surprised by the insistent command and turned back.

“Excuse me, Your Majesty, but do you know me?”

“You know that we’ve just met,” she answered calmly.

“Then how do you know what I’m capable of? How do you know who I really am?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “I’ve been told my whole life who I’m supposed to be, what to think, that my dreams are unachievable, that I’m a nobody. I chose to leave that life behind and find my own answers for my dreams.

“In the process I’ve been terrified, gotten lost, and nearly eaten by a bird. But I believed my dreams were bigger than my fears and my challenges, and I kept going. Then I learned the truth about myself, and now I’m being denied that truth? I disagree, Your Majesty. I know I’m a butterfly.

"I know who I am, and I know my true destiny.” Her tears verified her determination for her dreams. “I will have my wings. No more limitations will be placed on my life.” She believed nothing less for herself.

To purchase a copy of the complete story:
http://www.amazon.com/Confident-Butterfly-Angela-Dawnell-Chase/dp/1451582757/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276750952&sr=8-1

If you missed the begining of the book:
http://discoveryourwings.blogspot.com/2010/03/sneak-peak-at-confident-butterfly.html

Chapter Twenty of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-06-08T15:23:00.000-07:00

The Engagement

While in the gray shades of my life, I dreamed of enchanted castles and of love dancing by the light of candles. For sixteen years I looked out at the world through a garden of milk weeds and thistles and fantasized of a lover who was gentle, loving and would always care. Then one day, on April 7th, real unconditional love came my way. Travis asked me to be his wife.

When Travis and I first met, our hearts contained walls of titanium. Inside were laser beams, steel traps, barbed wire and barking dogs dripping with anticipation of biting the next person who tried to break our hearts.

I could hear the soft, near silent screams of the person behind the walls and barriers Travis wanted the world to see. He wanted people to see past the pain from all the broken relationships, past his faults and see his true heart and true potential.

But people only look at the outside package, the sparkling wrapping paper with the perfect ribbon. If they see the sign Caution: Damaged Contents Inside, they run.

As I began trusting God, my walls came down. I knew God wouldn’t put me into another relationship that was harmful, just as he would not allow the same for Travis. God knew that we had both been hurt and wanted love. Because Travis didn’t have a great experience with relationships, I had to convince him I was different, that I’m my own breed of woman.

During my divorce, I never thought I would trust anyone again. As much as I wanted to get married and have a healthy relationship, I never thought I could get to the point of trusting. But when you trust in God, it changes you. I trusted Travis through God until I got to the point where I could just simply trust Travis, then fall in love with him.

There were issues that I had to face as our relationship progressed, but I was honest in how I felt and wanted Travis to help me through them. I had to learn that not every man was my ex-husband. Just because one person was unable to love me and know my heart did not mean that God couldn’t find someone else for me who could.

I had to learn how to let another man touch me, kiss me, look into my eyes without me looking away. One night Travis took me to a nice restaurant, and I spent most of it looking out at the city or counting the peanut shells on the floor as he held my hand.

When he tried to kiss me, I turned away or put my head down. As much as I wanted to be kissed, I was still shy and felt awkward. I finally had to tell him to just grab me and kiss me. He happily obliged.

Travis was cautious at first because it was such a short time after my divorce that I met him. My marriage was unique in the sense that I was alone during most of it. I also had nine months to grow in the Lord and in myself before I met him. Just because Steve couldn’t love me or appreciate me I was not going to allow him to continue holding me prisoner. I couldn’t let one person influence my thoughts on love and marriage. Life equals risk. And love is the greatest risk of all, but it’s worth the risk.

We helped each other and learned from each other. Our determination to have a better life gave us the strength to move forward. Now we have a beautiful marriage that inspires our single friends.

To order Making Lemonade - A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce
http://www.amazon.com/Making-Lemonade-Spiritual-Journey-Through/dp/0595531148/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

Chapter Seventeen of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-05-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

Severing the Past

Reaching acceptance of my new life was like winning the lottery, like meeting a mega-movie star—it was exhilarating. I was finally free.

I quit fighting for my marriage to be restored. My energy for life came back. Things would never be the same again, but it was going to be alright.

I faced many seasons in my life. Where there was a wintery death, a cold frost that left my life dormant, a spring finally followed. New life was being reborn, unexpected life in unexpected places. But the past, like a fog, needed to be lifted for the sunlight to enter.

I sent out all my pictures of Cancun to everyone, including Steve, via e-mail. I wanted him to see I was healing and surviving without him, and I was actually having fun.

My ex-husband called me the next morning at work astonished that I went to Cancun by myself and even ventured to get in a shark tank. Briefly we talked, and he said he was coming by next Saturday for a few hours. I did want to see him, but it wasn’t to persuade him into taking me back, but to officially end our relationship. I didn’t want to tell him on the phone. I needed my closure.

I didn’t tell Travis up front that Steve was coming because I thought it would be better to wait until he left. I wanted no secrets in our relationship. Steve told me that she had gone home to see her family and did not tell her where he was going. That confirmed why I needed to end our relationship. If I stayed in contact with him, he would continue to see me in secret, and it would make me no better than what they did to me. If they did go their separate ways in the future, I didn’t want to be blamed. I had to be the bigger person. It was difficult to completely sever a sixteen year relationship.

“Do you still think about me?” was the first question Steve asked when he saw me.

I told him no. I had found a good life here, and I even met someone.

Several other questions came up. “Are you happy? Did you like Lake Havasu?” He continually asked weird, probing questions, as if he wanted to know if I would consider taking him back.

It was getting quite irritating. Later that afternoon I discovered he was fighting with her and had been for quite some time, most of it over me. Then he apologized to me for all the hurtful things he had done in the past. I told him I forgave him.

Confirming that I was moving on with my life and not interested in rekindling our relationship, I took him to the house I was buying. Some of his comments about my little home were insensitive, and I told him I was blessed to be able to have a home. I had a home of my own, and I did not have to put up with conditions to have it. That was truly a blessing.

On the way back we got into a terrible argument and I wasn’t nice. I was ashamed of myself for laughing at his pain.

“All we do is hurt each other, even when we don’t want to.” I told him why I was severing our relationship, and it hurt him because he wanted to keep me as a friend. This wasn’t the meeting he intended. I had my closure, but it was more painful than the divorce.

Travis called as soon as I walked into the house and all I could do was cry. Eventually I was able to tell him what happened.

To this day, we briefly make contact if the need arises. We have our own lives and I don’t wish to interfere.

On this day, I wrote out the death certificate and buried my past completely. I discovered when he came to see me I was no longer attracted to him. I no longer loved him or saw him as my husband. I didn’t want him back under any circumstances.

To purchase a copy of the entire book:

http://www.amazon.com/Making-Lemonade-Spiritual-Journey-Through/dp/0595531148/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

Chapter Two Discover Your Wings

2010-05-25T14:29:00.000-07:00

Sneek-peak of Chapter Two. For complete chapters you may order Discover Your Wings at Amazon.

War Tactics

Now that you understand how your beliefs and perceptions are formed and how they form your thoughts, it's time to begin reprogramming your brain. You now have to find ways to go into your "software" and eliminate the damage that has been done to your self-confidence and attack it like an anti-virus program.

Have you ever felt like a lightning bug that’s lost its thunder? On the days you feel like you’ve hit the windshield of life, Inner Critic chatters on the most.

These next four chapters will explain how to change your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions and the exercises will help you begin forming your own so you can shine brightly.

Have a Willingness to Change

First, before you can do anything, you must want to change. You can’t help someone who isn’t ready to change, and no one can help you unless you’re ready to awaken the magic of chrysalis with in yourself. Be careful to avoid co-dependent and enabling relationships, for these will only hinder your progress.

By recognizing the times when the Inner Critic is running or, more accurately, ruining your life, you can take back the control.

Change Your Thoughts, Perceptions, Beliefs

Action begins with a thought. There is power in your thoughts that controls your future. Positive and negative thoughts are equally powerful, so be careful which one you’re focusing on consciously and subconsciously.

Your brain is like a fertile garden that’s ready for planting. You have a choice between planting petunias or poison ivy. Whichever you plant, the garden will return to you. Be careful of what you create. Positive thoughts bloom dreams. Negative thoughts poison and destroy.

Watch your thoughts, they become words.

Watch your words, they become actions.

Watch your actions, they become habits.

Watch your habits, they become character,

it becomes your destiny.

~Author Unknown

While you’re on your journey, you’ll get weeds of doubt, worry, and frustration; after all, you’re human, and it’s impossible to stay happy and positive in every part, especially the middle. I do believe that having feelings of frustration and being tired are just a part of the process, but don’t let the negative, spirit-killing thoughts detour your from your dreams and goals. They are wasted energy and aren’t benefiting your future. In fact, they’re harming it. You need to find a way to stay focused and move forward.

Change negative thoughts into positive ones. This may be difficult at first, so you’re going to have to do this exercise on purpose until it can become natural to you. It may take awhile to retrain your brain, but it’s crucial you learn how to do this in order to start forming your new beliefs that will change your future and bring forth your wings.

Change Your Friends/Evaluate Your Family

It’s been said, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.”

Your friends usually share the same beliefs and values as you do and help shape you. If you want to change your beliefs and values, you may have to change your friends in order to move forward.

Find supportive, like-minded people whom you admire and can gather strength and information from. Remove yourself from the negative influences and from those who reinforce the Inner Critic. You can choose your friends. Unfortunately, you can’t choose your parents.

If your family is not healthy for you, you have the option of removing them from your life; however, if you’re not able to cut them from your life, you can limit the amount of time you spend around them and set up healthy boundaries.

When you’re trying to change yourself and move toward your future, your current friends and family members may become jealous or angry and want to hold you back to hold onto the old you.

Everyone in your life will not celebrate

the unfolding of your authentic self.

Some people, believe it or not,

were comfortable with your limitations,

your old roles, your old denials,

all of which got along very nicely with theirs.

~Barbara DeAngelis

Like mother, like daughter. Like father, like son. How many times have you heard this? This is true to some degree, but you do have a choice as you mature whether to follow their examples, beliefs, and values or set your own course.

Children often mimic what they see even if they hate what they see and feel they’re trapped in a certain life-style. People tend to blame this on generational curses. Generational curses are a myth! They only serve as excuses and trappings to hide behind.

 Your ________is/was an alcoholic; therefore you will be.

 Your ________is/was a drug addict; therefore you will be.

 Your _______ is/was a criminal; therefore you will be.

You are not your family! You’re a unique individual with your own destiny, your own dreams, and can make your own choices. You can become whoever you want to become despite your circumstances. Embrace opportunities presented to you so you can be the one to break the cycle.

Each new generation should be a generation filled with hope and renewed life rather than repeating the same patterns of self-destruction. It comes down to choice. What do you want for your life?

Natalie was expected to follow in her parents’ foot-steps—graduate, start a family, and gather leaves. When she clearly displayed she wanted more for her life, her mother was cruel, her family distant.

She chose to walk away from her family, her home, and everything she knew in order to honor her heart and to find what she needed to have a healthy, fulfilled life. After discovering herself and uncovering the truth, she went home to share her knowledge.

In real life, your family may still reject your findings and continue their beliefs or they may change. If they don’t accept you and what you have to offer, you’re not responsible for their choices.

Personal Note:

My father’s side of the family are alcoholics and drug addicts; therefore, everyone thought I would struggle with alcohol and drugs. It bothered me that they weren’t giving me a choice in who I wanted to become.

In their mind, they thought they were trying to warn me. I didn’t like the option presented to me and made a decision that I would follow my own path.

Most children would’ve believed the precaution as a premonition for their future.

Exercise 11

What affiliations do you need to change? Who are the negative influences in your life? Do you need to walk away from or limit your time with family members?

Exercise 12

Do you have encouraging people in your life? Mentors? A support structure? Who are they? If not, where can you find them?

Chapter One of Discover Your Wings

2010-05-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

Sneak-Peak at Discover Your Wings. This book sites examples from the short story, The Confident Butterfly, in the book. However, you should be able to understand the meaning throughout the chapter.

Chapter One:
Critics and Coaches

In order to understand how to have better self-esteem and more confidence, you have to learn who your number one enemy is and how to fight it: Your Inner Critic.

Commander Critic is just a character in the story. Regrettably, your Inner Critic is real. He’s loud, annoying, and distracting you from reaching your potential. He’ll always keep you in the caterpillar stage in life if you let him.

Unfortunately, silencing him isn’t as easy as pressing a mute button or grabbing a roll of duct-tape, but there are methods you can use to make him less persistent and harder to hear.

You also have a cheerleader, portrayed as Natalie in the story, who desires for you to reach your potential. Sometimes she can be hard to hear.

By the time you reach the end of this book, you should be able to silence the comments and criticism he offers and hear your coach cheering you on.

The Inner Critic will be referred to as he and the Inner Coach as she to reflect the story and as a disarming technique that will be addressed in chapter two.

I’m Hearing Voices

“I think I want to _______________________.”
“Nope. You can’t do that. Remember when ______________ happened?” Inner Critic reminds you.
“Oh, you’re right. I can’t do that.”

If you hear a voice within you saying,

“You’re not a painter,”

then by all means paint and that voice

will be silenced.

~Vincent Van Gogh

Do you feel like you have a split personality? Does one part of you want a change or to do something outside of your norm while the other is holding you back and reminding you of all of your failures with every dirty tactic he can throw at you?

Which one is louder, the Critic or the Coach? Which one is running your life and making the decisions?

Your thoughts are the key to your self-esteem and how you handle circumstances in life. You can’t change the past and you sometimes can’t change your circumstances, but you can change how you view them. How you view yourself and being okay with yourself are the keys to discovering your inner butterfly.

That’s nice, but how do I achieve this? Know and understand your enemy, strategize and build your defenses. You’re about to win a battle. Be patient with your progress. Allow for setbacks. Adjust your strategy when needed. This book is your weapon to strengthen the Inner Coach and let you transform into the butterfly you’re meant to become.

Gaining more confidence and developing self-esteem is a lot of work, but contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t have to take years to achieve. It’s up to you on how long your journey will take. It’s all about choice.

Enemy Mine

What is the Purpose of the Inner Critic?

In the story, Critic was reminding all the graduates not to leave the city and explore the unknown because it’s very scary and dangerous in the world.

He encouraged caterpillars to be happy and content with who they were and knowingly hid the knowledge of transformation.

The Queen of Destiny withheld the truth of chrysalis to keep a ritual filled with celebration alive.

Your Critic’s real purpose is to annihilate your confidence, keep you feeling small and safe, and keep you feeling unsatisfied with yourself by exaggerating your weaknesses and failures to keep you from becoming the butterfly you’re meant to become.

The Critic sets such high standards of perfection that anything less than perfection is deemed a failure. If it can’t be done right, it can’t be done at all. He believes he’s protecting you from failure, and the pain associated with that failure, but in reality, he’s holding you in a prison of mediocrity.

The critic undermines you by:

 Blaming you when things go wrong

 Making you feel guilty or bad

 Comparing you to other people and their accomplishments

 Convincing you people don’t like you or are mad at you

 Calling you names and putting you down

 Judging you in everything you do

 Never reminding you about your accomplishments, only your failures

 Making you believe everything he says is true

When your defenses are down, he attacks more frequently and louder, drowning out the other personality, the Inner Coach.

How and When was the Inner Critic Created?

The Critic is derived from your conscious and unconscious memories formed by your own experiences and experiences with other people such as parents, peers and teachers and your perceptions of those experiences.

Parents are supposed to know the answers, and you trust those answers and build your world around what they tell you. What happens if their beliefs and perceptions are wrong and harmful to your future?

Beliefs are passed down from each generation, just as in Common Place, and then become engrained in the next generation. The pattern of thinking becomes the norm.

Perception is recognition and interpretation of sensory stimuli based on memory and creates your reality. What happens if that memory is incorrect?

In Common Place, beliefs, perceptions, and lives were changed based on a tragic accident when one young caterpillar was eaten when he left the protection of the village; therefore, no one could leave the village because all caterpillars would be eaten. The world was perceived to be such a dangerous place no one could venture beyond the small world within the protective border.

Someone perceived there was jealousy among the caterpillars toward the butterflies’ and others’ accomplishments; therefore, caterpillars weren’t encouraged to strive for their dreams, to explore who they were, and were forbidden to transform.

Over time, these false beliefs became the new truth and were passed down to the next generation. The truth was buried and forgotten.

Even as perfect as Destiny seemed, the inhabitants were led to believe the Chrysalis Chamber was responsible for their transformation. The Chamber started out as a meeting place and the ritual morphed into a belief that the bottle held the magic of chrysalis and not the caterpillars.

If the wine bottle wasn’t a Chrysalis Chamber, then why did every caterpillar that entered change? Because they believed in the power of the wine bottle so much, it was impossible not to change. Imagine what their lives will be like now that they know they’re responsible for their transformation. Goldie indicated it was life-changing to know that kind of power existed within her.

Imagine what your life will become when you believe in yourself that much! Your power in your accomplishments will mean more as you believe in yourself, build your strength, and conquer the challenges ahead.

Are your beliefs built on a solid foundation or on a foundation of lies, half-truths, or misunderstandings?

Think of your brain as a computer. When you’re born your brain is a blank program. As you get older and accept “upgrades” of negative and positive experiences, you learn to accept them as your new belief and programming.

The positive experiences include:

 Being accepted by your peers

 Being loved by your parents

 “You’re pretty.”

 “You’re smart.”

 Finding you’re good at something

 Passing a really hard test

 Graduating to the next grade

 Getting a promotion or a raise

Now imagine all the negative experiences and self talk from you and from other people is like a computer virus.

 Getting laughed at and made fun of by someone

 “You’re ugly.”

 “You’re not good enough.”

 Finding that you’re not good at something

 Failing a test

 Not finding the job you want

 Not making enough money

Take time to reevaluate yourself and your beliefs. You don’t have to accept other people’s beliefs. You can create your own that represent you and your future.

The Enemy has Reinforcements

The Commander also represents your outer critics, people who’ve given up on their dreams and are ready to squash yours. I call them dream-killing vampires. They will suck your dream from you if you let them.

In some cases, your own family and friends can be your worst enemy and can hold you back from your dreams of wanting more. They may even be jealous of your successes.

They may be afraid of losing you if you follow your ambitions. They may think you’ve become better than they are and now they feel inferior.

Natalie’s mother wasn’t encouraging Natalie’s dreams. In fact, she called her daughter delusional and called her writings scribbled nonsense. Her peers didn’t like her.

When following a dream,

make sure you buy a good set of earplugs

to drown out your critics.

~Angela Chase

Drowning out your outer critics is sometimes easier than silencing your Inner Critic. For some reason, he gets more credibility. That’s why I named him Commander.

One experience may or may not make a difference, but constant reinforcement becomes beneficial or detrimental in how we think about ourselves as certain situations arise.

In the story, Mr. Foland constantly wrote on Natalie’s assignments and punished her for her creativity. She had a choice to believe the hurtful words or believe in herself and a better future. Sadly, this happens in real life.

Rex Rolland, a sixth-grade teacher in Buncombe County, North Carolina, actually wrote this on a little girl’shomework on several occasions. He claimed it was his way of ‘relating’ to the students:

Over and over again she read the destructive words written to her. Imagine the damage this teacher is causing her? Imagine all the times someone called you names, convinced you that you couldn’t do something, you consistently received bad grades in certain subjects, or you received an inadequate job performance review.

This constant negative reinforcement becomes truth and, thus, your new belief system. The more “viruses” the human brain receives, the harder it is to hear your Inner Coach cheering you on, encouraging you, reminding you that you can become whomever you choose to be.

Communication and Wrong Word Usage

If the wrong words are chosen such as, “I’m disappointed in you,” it leads you to believe that you are being disapproved of rather than your action.

If this type of communication continues, you begin to believe you are a disappointment every time you do something wrong. You don’t learn to separate who you are from the negative action in your subconscious. What should be said is, “I’m disappointed in what you did.”

The Critic doesn’t just use phrases that cut and wound deep within your heart, he also attaches a voice with each one. When Natalie sat in the dark thicket afraid, giving up all hope, she thought of herself as a failure and heard her mother’s words reinforce her feeling about herself and her situation. You’ll never be anyone important, Natalie. I don’t know why you’re so delusional in who you think you really are.

Why Do You Listen to the Inner Critic?

The Commander gives an order and you listen and obey because he’s easier to hear and believe than your Inner Coach. According to your brain, he commands more attention. People with low self-esteem rely on the critic as a coping mechanism and easily fall prey to his commands.

In Common Place, Commander Critic discouraged the graduates from leaving. They believed his warning because it seemed reasonable and logical. They believed they had it good in Common Place and their lives were just the way it should be because he told them to accept the way things were. Critic was their leader, an elder, so he must know what was best for them.

Although you know the critic is self-destructive, he still makes you feel safe, causing you to run from things that frighten or worry you rather than facing and solving the problem.

Low self-esteem makes you ineffective in problem solving and dealing with life’s challenges. The higher your self-esteem, the more you’re able to handle the uncertainties and chaos of life.

What you conclude about yourself is always more powerful than what other people conclude or say about you. The negative is always easier to believe than the positive.

Do you believe what other people tell you?

Whatever course you decide upon,

there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong.

There are always difficulties arising which tempt you

to believe that your critics are right.

To map out a course of action and follow

it to an end requires courage.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Are other people around you really a credible source of information about you? After all, you know yourself, your dreams, what you’re capable of doing. I believe if you can envision it, it is possible. And remember, people are jealous creatures. If they didn’t succeed, they probably don’t want you to, either.

To illustrate this point, go to the following website: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dT4Fu-XDygw. This is a video called Famous Failures. Hear what other people believed for these famous people:

 Lucille Ball

 The Beatles

 Ulysses S. Grant

 Michael Jordan

 Thomas Edison

 Walt Disney

 Abraham Lincoln

Can you imagine the world today if these people listened to their critics?

Here is a book you may be interested in reading: Famous Failures: Hundreds of Hot Shots Who Got Rejected, Flunked Out, Worked Lousy Jobs, Goofed Up, or Did Time in Jail Before Achieving Phenomenal Success, by Joey Green.

Chapter Exercises:

Exercise 1
Rate your level of self-confidence.

Caterpillar 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Butterfly

Exercise 2
What do you believe for your life? Present and future? Why?

Exercise 3
Which voice is louder in your life, your Inner Critic or your Inner Coach? Why?

Exercise 4
Make a list of how your Inner Critic developed. What were the negative experiences that shaped your current self-image? If there is a voice behind the statement, identify it.

Exercise 5
List the comments your Inner Critic says to you, why you think he says it to you and, if there is a voice behind the comment, identify it.

Exercise 6
In what areas of your life do you feel inadequate? Why?

Exercise 7
How might you view what happened to create a different conclusion that is founded in love, understanding and forgiveness?

Available on Amazon
Published by Goodnight Publishing

Remaining Chapters:
Remaining Chapters with sneek-peaks in select chapters.

Chapter 2: Strategizing
Chapter 3: Critic's Arsenal
Chapter 4: Conquering Fear
Chapter 5: I AM a Butterfly
Chapter 6: Developing Your Wings

Professional Reviews:

Melanie Tighe is the owner of Dog-Eared Pages Used Books/Written for the City Sun Times, Phoenix, AZ

Chase begins with a story about Natalie, a misunderstood caterpillar in a village called Commonplace. We all know the caterpillar-butterfly connection, but her surprising story layers lesson upon lesson which she then outlines in the workbook portion of the text. Lessons such as how to silence your inner critic, how to deal with outer critics, and how to hear your inner coach or cheerleader.

If you know a young person struggling to find their way in the world, and you don’t know what to say to them to help, give them a copy of Discover Your Wings. Chase’s part fable-part workbook can help both teens and adults work through their fears, frustrations, and failures and realize their confidence to soar.

By Barbara Watkins "Freelance Reviewer" (Missouri) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME) This review is from: Discover Your Wings (Paperback)
`Discover Your Wings' by author, 'Angela Dawnell Chase', is a poignant story that will touch the life of everyone that reads it - will not only touch your life, but will change your life. It is for everyone that has ever been persecuted and held back because of another's lack of belief in them. This read is for the little girl who dreams of being a ballerina, but is sadly told it would never happen because she is too awkward and shy.

Reclaim your self-esteem; walk tall with confidence that you can do anything when you accept your own unique abilities. Ignore those around you who insist on holding you back - `Angela Dawnell Chase' gives you the tools you need to succeed and takes you down the path of splendid possibilities with this thought - provoking read.

You might be asking, "What makes Mrs. Chase an expert on such a topic?" She is a Certified Life Coach, and an Ambassador for the `Yes I Can Project' - A wonderful project that teaches our youth and adults how to remove those limiting beliefs, so that they can find the confidence to move forward. I highly recommend this book and I thoroughly enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece of excellence.

Carra Riley Author of Cosmic Cow Pie...Connecting The Dots
Angela Dawnell Chase is also the author of, `The Confident Butterfly' and `Making Lemonade - A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce.' Keep and eye on this talented author as she spreads her beautiful butterfly wings and soars high!

The book is created in a format that allows a freedom to develop new ideas with the interesting characters and really points out lessons that can easily be overlooked.
Parents, friends and neighbors can unknowingly cause people to question their ability to accomplish anything they set their mind to. They ask questions like: Are you good enough? Can you really do anything?

Does your background limit your forward progress?

Angela shares from the heart a story that will inspire the reader and help remove fear from life experiences.

After reading about the confident butterfly, there is a series of exercises that will show how to overcome limiting beliefs and break free of the "cocoon consciousness" that could be holding a person back.

It is great to find out that flying is an option after spending life crawling on the ground.

Black Diamond Lifestyle Management / Linda Christensen
Angela has written two wonderful books! I admire her strength, courage and faith to see her through various types of abuse and write about it in Making Lemonade.

In her newest release, Discover Your Wings, there are over fifty exercises that are appropriate for anyone who is searching for skills to raise self-confidence through the story of a caterpillar. She touches the heart with her message of hope, and strategies for self-empowerment.” November 4, 2010
Top qualities: Great Results, Personable, Creative

Reader Reviews:

Natalie is a little caterpillar who daydreams of life beyond the everyday expectations in her leaf-gathering communmity. Through sheer moxie she decides to make her dreams reality and sets off into unknown territory where untold adventures await. Through a happenstance meeting with a beautiful butterfly, Natalie learns what it will take to move into a life far grander than she has imagined. Follow Natalie's courageous journey and then begin a journey of your own into self-discovery that can take you, too, beyond your wildest dreams. Author Angela Chase has provided thought-provoking exercises that will assist you in exploring those beliefs that hold you back so you can break free of their bondage and learn to soar like the butterfly you were meant to become. This book is well worth the price and well worth the investment in time. If you follow in Chase's footsteps, you will indeed discover your wings and come through the experience a more confident, courageous person. Sherry Porter editor/reader

Reading "Discover your Wings" was a wonderful delightful experience! I laughed I cried and was encouraged by the story and reminded never give up, there is always hope and dreams do come true even when they have seemed shelved so long they have collected dust. Angela gives divine inspiration and Holy Ghost courage to press in and on and never let go of your dreams. I highly recommend this book to everyone and anyone the old and young alike , especially teenagers before the wet blankets of the world put out their fire. The younger the better while dreams are young and fresh it will inspire greatness. I recently sent it to my grandaughter so she will dream big and believe in herself. Good job Angela, and thanks for your encouragment! Vickey Close

I LOVED this book! It's for women of all ages, and is full of relevant, practical illustrations and applications of confidence. Every woman knows all too well that nagging little voice of "Commander Critic" who slowly or torrentially drains the confidence from your walk, talk and image of yourself. Author Angela Dawnell Chase guides you through ways to silence him, reclaim your confidence and go after your dreams. With the exercises, you do the work of investigating what is holding you back, but more importantly, they're thought-provoking, aimed to give you insight into who your are and what motivates and inspires you to keep going. This book is like having an honest and positive conversation with Chase--she's on your side, she relates to you like a friend, and encourages you forward in your dreams and life. Get ready to soar, butterflies, and discover your wings! Danette Utley

Watch Out Who You Meet In Networking

2010-05-05T13:17:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful morning yesterday while attending my Masterminds Roundtable event. I talked with wonderful, successful people, met new people, and sold five copies of my newest book, The Confident Butterfly. Three of those copies were sold to people who didn’t even know me.

After the meeting, a few people came up and spoke with me and we shared information about subjects. I congratulated one individual for his drug and alcohol recovery and made a connection with him. Then I shared Createspace.com information with someone else who wanted to publish their own book.

You can say I was feeling like a Confident Butterfly! That was until the last person found me.

When coaching or speaking to a person about who they are, word choices are extremely important. You ALWAYS want to leave the person you’ve spoken with feeling good about who they are and what they’re doing. You can criticize or give constructive comments. I choose constructive comments with positive words.

The person and I sat down and he began to tell me my self-image was pathetic and then proceeded to make fun of me. I was shocked to say the least! I had no idea how to respond. Quite frankly I was ready to get up and tell him where he could stuff his opinion and meet my nickname, Pit Bull, full on.

However, I stopped myself. Maybe he wanted to give me some pointers, but just chose his words badly. Wait and see how he follows up, I thought to myself as I bit my tongue. People believe I’m 10-15 years younger than what my actual age is and it gets annoying when you’re trying to run a life coaching business. I’m sorry my family found the Fountain of Youth and hid it from the rest of the world.

He finally did come back with powerful words to describe me. But I was still stuck on “Your image is pathetic.” I’m still angry at the word choice and the fact he was making fun of me. My mind was flooded with past memories of Jr. High, and it hurt.

He proceeded to tell me that I needed to TAKE power away from people to be taken seriously. That statement hit my heart as it goes against everything I believe in. As a person and a coach, I GIVE power.

Turns out this situation got worse. When I was with him after the meeting, he started playing this 'creepy' role-laying game with me and I felt uncomfortable. To make matters worse, we had moved out of the cafe to my car to finish talking to give the small cafe back their space for customers. In order to get rid of him, I told him I had an appointment and needed to go. I did have an appointment, later that day, but I needed to process what just happened. Somehow I got lured into his decietful web without knowing until it was too late.

Then it seemed he began stalking me. I'm not kidding! He called me later that day, I didn't realize it was him when I answered the phone, and he started the 'creepy roll-playing game again. I told him my husband was home and I had to go. How creepy was the role-playing? He was using me as his verbal dominatrix. Yes. It was that bad! He kept wanting me to say he was weak and pathetic and he was actually getting off on it!

At this point I sent him an e-mail to let him know how I felt about the way he approached me and how I wasn't going to put up with it.

I had befriended him on Facebook, through others in our network, before this all happened. Now he started instant messaging me the following day on Facebook. I deleted him.

Networking or not, be careful of weird people out there! It was a lessen learned for me that not everyone is out there with good intentions. I still have to attend meetings with this guy, but so far, he's left me alone. I also told our facilitator about the encounter and he's done it to other people, including my new friend in the group. She, however, told him off immediately and that was the end. It was nice to have someone to talk to about it.

Chapter Sixteen of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-04-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

Triple Blessings From the Father

All around me people were getting blessed with the things I wanted. One of my favorite evangelists preached a sermon on how God will bless the people around you, sometimes with the very things you want, in order to judge your attitude. My neighbor next door, the one who checked in on me, was buying a house. A girl at work announced rather loudly one morning that she was engaged. Good for them, I thought. Other little things began happening around me as well.

“God,” I said, “I don’t care if you bless the whole entire world with everything I want, because I know my turn is coming. If you’re blessing those within my sight, then I must be standing in the right line, and my number is coming up!” I kept my attitude pure because I wanted to be happy for them. Everyone deserves to be happy.

I want to go on vacation. It came out of nowhere. The desire to get away and do something I always wanted to do was growing inside of me until I thought I would burst. Five months of grieving and healing left me exhausted. It was May and a time when the world was reborn and renewed; therefore, it was time to shed the death garments and be rejuvenated myself.

I felt free for the first time in my life. Living and surviving without my ex-husband became a reality. I was adjusting to the change, just as I always did when he was on deployment. My walls went up stronger than before.

Mexico. That was where I wanted to go. I wanted to see the ocean, walk the beach and leave the country. Always wanting to see the Mayan pyramids, I booked a trip to Cancun for the first part of June.

Unable to contain my excitement for the next two weeks, I started smiling for the first time in nearly a year as I prepared for my adventure. My coworkers begged me not to go by myself, fearing that something would happen to me. I didn’t share the same fears. I figured that if anything did happen to me, it was while I was having fun and living life. I was tired of missing out on life and regretting that I never adventured or took chances. I wanted the ride God promised me.

As if going on vacation wasn’t enough, God surprised me with something unexpected. Sunday night in May, I drove home from the 7:00 p.m. service. Thinking of all the blessings God wove into my new life, I smiled and began to pray. On that night I fired my fairy godmother and enlisted the God Father.

“God, I really am thankful for all that you’re doing. I’m beginning to see a new life,” and then the tears came. “But, God, I’m so lonely. And I need help. I can’t do the things you’ve asked me to do on my own. It’s too big. Please, if you do have someone better for me, then I accept it.”

I pounded the wheel in emphasis. “Go out and find that perfect person for me, God. And when you do, I want to know. I want to feel it. I want you to write his name in my heart; write my name in his. Thank you.” My weeping eyes looked to the glowing stars overhead. “Oh, and since I’m a paint-by-numbers faith person, make sure you put a neon sign on the guy so I don’t miss him.”

Tears continued to flow, and I let my heart pray because I didn’t know what else to say. I simply didn’t want to hurt anymore. Then it happened. One block away from my duplex, I felt this indescribable sensation as God touched my heart. I knew God found someone for me. Even though I knew not the letters he penned, there was a name tattooed upon my heart. Heaven responded to a daughter’s desperate prayer.

A new girl came to our block in May. Her name was Aimee, and she was a friend of Kirk’s, who came to help us. As I got to know her, I was amazed by her insight and view on God. She seemed a remarkable, strong woman who glowed with confidence, a natural beauty with a fun smile and alluring, azure eyes that see straight to the soul. Although I didn’t really know her on a personal level, she invited Kirk, Nathan and I to her and her two friends’ birthday party that was going to occur at the end of the month.

At first I felt odd about going since I didn’t know her beyond a few encounters on the block and some lunches, but I thought this would be a great opportunity to get out of the house, maybe meet more people and get to know her better. Within the next few days my ambition diminished and I really didn’t want to go. I figured my pity-party, party of one, would be more satisfying.

Nathan became upset when I told him that I didn’t want to attend the party. “Pit Bull, why?” Nathan’s distressed eyes tore at my heart.

“I don’t know anyone, and I just feel odd going.”

“That’s the point. You can meet more people. You’ll have fun. And…” He put his arm around me. “I was hoping I could catch a ride with you so I can go.”

Sighing, I gave in. I knew Nathan wanted to go, and I was his only transportation.

At the time I walked into the house and joined the affair, I didn’t realize I was about to become a gift for someone’s 35th birthday. The house bustled with fifty or more people from inside to outside. Food festooned tables and counters. Turtles and exotic birds roamed a small section of the back yard. Nathan took me around introducing me to a few people.

“Hey, Travis, happy birthday!” They shook hands and briefly hugged. “I want you to meet the bravest woman I’ve ever met. This is Pit Bull.”

Questioning eyes fell upon my thin, five one and a half frame. I saw the “porcelain doll complex” I always get when people try to judge me by my exterior. Although I was smiling, my eyes were barking. Yes, Pit Bull is my name, and I bite. That hand is looking mighty tasty, I thought, as I shook his hand with confidence and a slight squeeze.

“No, man. Seriously. Kirk had me take her out and explain our block. There’s a lot of hurting people and drugs out there, and we just didn’t want her to be overwhelmed with the experience. So, I’m explaining this one area and she turns to me and says, ‘Nathan, let me tell you something about me,’ and she’s pointing her finger at me. ‘I’m not afraid of the enemy. He can’t hurt me. I’m not afraid of anything. I am a Pit Bull.’ I just jumped back; you don’t talk to a two-hundred and fifty pound black man like that. But I tell ya, she’s the best partner. She has no fear.” He laughed in remembrance.

Somewhere in the conversation Nathan left, and I found myself standing there talking to Travis as he continued barbecuing hamburgers and hotdogs. I noticed his bright orange Phoenix Suns shirt and how it glowed in the flames. I was reminded of my prayer earlier that week. God, put a neon sign on the guy so I don’t miss him.

All the while I stood there I kept hearing, Talk to him.

About what?

Just talk to him.

I wish God had given me a subject. The entire time we talked, I continually stuck my foot in my mouth. One week I’m praying for God to pick out the perfect person for me, and the next I’m telling a complete stranger how I’m hoping to go back to my ex-husband.

We spoke of his divorce and of what we were doing now, and there were times he squished the hamburger patties down in anger when I explained the adultery and how my relationship was with my ex-husband. He thought I was nuts, to put it plainly, I even wanted to go back to such a person and such a life. Nathan called me in to eat, which stopped me from further disaster. After eating, I attempted to speak to Travis again, but he buried himself in his close friends, and I found myself surrounded by Aimee’s family.

The three birthday people were gathered to the front to give a short speech before cutting the cake. When I heard his, it nearly broke my heart. He was just as lonely and frustrated. I never got to say goodnight or even goodbye as I looked around and didn’t see him.

Travis was my first thought when I woke Saturday. I didn’t intend for him to be on my mind, but he was there. Why could I not get this guy out of my head? For four days I kept hearing, Give him your number, to which I finally surrendered. I planned to give Aimee my number the following Saturday to give to Travis if he was still interested in getting to know me.

The next Saturday, after meeting at Adopt-A-Block, our group went out to lunch, and I told Aimee to give him my phone number. After a few Cupid jokes, she text messaged him. He didn’t call. Instead, he came up to me and Nathan after Sunday night service, and we went to Starbucks and talked over banana frappuccinos. Being honest with him about God and what my life was like now, I was afraid I might scare him off. But I had to be honest with him and find out if he truly was the one for me.

The next day, the day before I was to leave for Cancun, he wrote me an e-mail:

Good morning, Angela,

Before I get too busy this morning, I just wanted to pass on a message to you and tell you how much I enjoyed spending time with you last night. You reminded me of how selfish I really have been in regard to a lot of things. God has really done a masterful work in your life, and you truly are a treasure of Him. I think you completely understand that and believe it. I saw it in your eyes.

I spent a lot of time thinking about you last night. Particularly how much of a bigger person you are than me. I'm flattered and honored that you would ask Aimee to give me your number. I'm glad to have it. I asked God a lot last night before I went to bed, "Why me? What can a woman of that caliber see in such a selfish man like me? There are a ton of better men at that church who do more for God and hurting people in a day than I do in ten years. Please show me, God!" I'm not trying to chase you off, but there is stuff you don't know about me yet and things I'm afraid to reveal to you. There are some things that I haven't completely let go of and things that I'm too afraid to let God work with me on for the sake of convenience.

I know who I am in Christ, but I feel that there is so much unlocked potential in me that continues to remain dormant because I've had nobody in my life with the right key to help unlock and release it.

I also drove away last night wondering how could your ex-husband not see the beautiful, caring, loving, loyal, honorable woman before him! How can any man neglect the woman that you are? How could he walk away from what you had to offer him?

Anyway . . . I just wanted to pass on some encouraging words. Thanks for the time last night. I hope we can do it again soon.

God Bless!

Touched by his thoughts and reading his pain, I responded:

I follow God's commands and what he lays on my heart, and it has not failed me. Maybe I am the key to unlocking what I see in you.

Do not be afraid of me. I do not judge. I used to be self-centered as well. It took nine months to get where I am today, but I did not have a choice. I had to rely on God for my every need. Do not be so hard on yourself. I meet people for a reason, and God leads me to those people. I know you have been hurt, too, and are not as open as you would like, but I hope to change that.

I met Travis on May 26th. Memorial Day I asked my block captain and realtor if he could qualify me for a house. Buying my own home was symbolizing that I was moving on with my life, like crossing the line in the sand between the old life and entering the new one. Once this occurred, there was no going back or hoping for reconciliation.

All the while I drove up Hayden to the church, I asked God for my own house; I believed God for a house. I never knew when that dream would come to fruition. A few days later I spoke with a loan officer about my job history, divorce and my credit was pulled. Fully expecting it to end there, I was pleasantly surprised I actually qualified.

Off to Cancun I went. When I was planning the trip, I thought of finding ways to stay there. Now I was excited to come back. My time away from Phoenix allowed me to see the life that God was giving me. I may not have seen it had I not gone.

Although I went alone, I had a great time. I got to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to. I didn’t have to deal with my ex-husband wanting to take pictures of me. I could sleep when I wanted and wake when I wanted. I could walk on the beach and gaze at the stars and see the sights I wanted to see.

The only part of the trip that was a nightmare to me was the airport in Mexico City. I don’t speak Spanish, and they had absolutely no signs in Spanish or English. I had to rely on a kind young girl to help me since the airport personnel were not helpful and didn’t understand why I was stressing.

I loved Cancun. The ocean was breathtaking. Luminous turquoise caressed soft, white sand. My room had an ocean view. The soothing sound of the waves comforted me as I slept.

I treated myself to a massage, a facial and a day of relaxing on the beach my first day. The second day I was off to the Mayan jungle to see the ruins of Chi Chen Itza. From the time I read about the Mayan civilization in history class, I marveled at their science, their religion and the pyramid.

I was quickly adopted into a group from Wales when we stopped to eat at a resort in the middle of the jungle. Once at the ruins, I soaked in the scenery. Everything I studied in school paled in comparison to the lesson given by our tour guide as he showed us pictures of what the pyramid and the solarium did during the Equinox and Solstice. I imagined Indiana Jones uncovering some kind of new treasure.

I was touching the soil of history and of things I thought I would only experience in books. No more living life through television and magazines. I vowed to experience the world for myself.

The following day I found an interactive aquarium. Arriving late, I was unable to swim with the dolphins or get my picture taken with the large birds, but I did convince myself to enter a shark tank. From the cage you could feed the sharks and see them up close.

Unfortunately, the water was freezing. My wetsuit must have been taking a siesta. I couldn’t catch my breath and began hyperventilating. The walls closed in increasing my panic. Desperately, I tried to convince my mind to relax, but mind over cold box wasn’t working, and they had to bring me up. I emerged disappointed, but the photographer said he got a great picture of me and the Bull Shark. That was all I wanted anyway, so I was happy.

Everyone in Cancun was wonderful and friendly. The wait staff and male store clerks made sure I didn’t feel lonely as they flirted with me. The divorce made me feel ugly, especially when I saw who my ex-husband left me for, and I was delighted at the attention.

Careful of my souvenirs, I took home a Mayan Calendar painting done with vegetable oils on deer skin, a necklace and a few T-Shirts and glasses. I made sure that whatever I purchased couldn’t be found in the States.

It was time to go home. I was sad to leave and yet happy to get home. All the paperwork for my new house should have been done, and all that was required of me were a few signatures to complete it. I also had someone waiting for me.

A few days after I returned, Travis came over and I showed him all my pictures of my adventures. Both of my dogs came up to him. Baby was expected to show her affection, but I was amazed at Jasmine’s reaction. Normally she would circle, sniff and run back into the bedroom if she didn’t know you. Instead she tentatively, approached him, and as he knelt, she rested her face in his cupped hand. I nearly fainted. This had to be a sign!

Glancing at the picture of the pyramid, Travis noted the cloud over it that looked like it was boiling out of the top of the structure and immediately thought of Ghost Busters. I told him when I took the picture, I thought the same thing. Another sign?

To purchase a copy of the entire book:

http://www.amazon.com/Making-Lemonade-Spiritual-Journey-Through/dp/0595531148/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

Chapter Fifteen of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-04-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

Alone and Processing

“I love you, but I cannot stand you” were some of the hurtful words spoken into my heart from my ex-husband. He told me that every time we fought, his heart grew colder toward me. When I asked why he took me with him to Florida, he said it was because he knew I wanted to leave Spokane, and he took pity on me, not because he wanted to be with me.

Why did I prefer emotionally abusing comments over being alone? Was I that insecure? I hated myself for being that desperate for love. When I was younger I used to think I would never allow myself to be mistreated because I had too much respect for myself. The young Angela never would have put up with cheating. She would have left Steve there on the spot before he could even finish his sentence. What happened to me?

I hated being alone. Alone was scary, but thoughts of ending up like my dad scared me more. He’s been unable to move on with his life since my mom left him thirty years ago. Was I to become someone who replayed the past or could I find the strength to overcome, get up in the morning, hold down a job and reinvent my life?

I spent a lot of time at the church to escape myself, but I eventually caught up. In the time I spent alone, I was forced to get to know myself. Slowly, I worked on fixing those parts I didn’t like. But the important question I had to ask myself was, did I not like myself based on someone else’s opinion of me? The longer I was away from the influences of my ex-husband, I began to change back to the person I was before I met him and morph into what God wanted me to be like.

God also revealed how unhealthy my marriage was and the damage that was left to fix. During the divorce I kept probing for answers to things that I missed or purposely ignored. When I questioned Steve, I always received conflicting stories. I needed to know the truth, no matter how painful, about how long he’d been involved with her and when he decided to officially leave me.

Several times in the past I had a feeling that he was hiding something from me, and I did searches to see if he had a separate e-mail account. Finally, I discovered his account and had my proof through the e-mails they were sending each other. He knew before he came to Lake Havasu that he was leaving me. Reading their correspondence gave me a form of closure.

Over time, I learned how to separate myself from my ex-husband and establish my own life. I even started making my duplex my home. The neighborhood around me was a nightmare, but with some care, inside became my haven. I was no longer required to put up with someone else’s demands and expectations to have a place to live.

I fixed up the front porch with plants and a fountain, bought new bedroom furniture and scattered my stuffed animals on the love seat to make the living room seem less empty. Watching “our” television shows even became less painful as I learned to make them my own. My dogs were a great help. They comforted me through my many lonely days and nights and made me feel loved and accepted.

I learned how to be so comfortable with myself, I still treasure my alone time.

Every season, no matter how painful or seemingly pointless it is, has a reason. In this season I would discover who I really was and what I was to become.

Fly Butterfly!

2010-04-11T22:06:00.000-07:00

Poem from
The Confident Butterfly story.

Dreams are Precious Gifts

2010-04-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

Let the sun of your spirit warm your dreams. May the pink buds of hope blossom in everlasting spring. Have the courage to follow your heart. Your dreams are precious gifts; unwrap them today.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma—which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

~Steve Jobs

Notice in Steven’s quote the two words heart and intuition. Take the first letter of each word, H + I = HI. Your heart and soul are crying out HI! Listen to me. I know who you are and what you want!

Stop living the life other people are telling you to live.

Derek Jeter is the famous shortstop on the New York Yankees. Stephen Spielberg is one of the world's greatest film directors. What would their lives be like if they chose to not honor their talents and did something else? What would our lives be like?

What will your life be like when you honor your gifts and talents? How different will the world become when you do?

Remember this:

We were all born for a certain assignment. A 'position' in life that our unique talents and skills can serve the greatest amount of people and reap us incredible prosperity.

The Death of a Dream

2010-04-03T17:54:00.000-07:00

I loved art as a young child. While my classmates were scribbling pictures, I was coloring in one direction and in the lines creating masterpieces that drove my peers to jealousy.

I recall one picture I did for my grandmother when I was about 5 or 6 years old that was probably one of more creative pieces. I removed the plastic insert that held the chocolate in place from a box we’d just finished. I cut out two connecting holes, pasted them on a piece of paper and drew an owl using the chocolate container holes as eyes. My grandmother thought it was so ingenious she had it up on her refrigerator until she died.

No matter the art project, I had displayed great talent. In the sixth grade, I won first place for a swan I created out of ceramics. It is the only first place I’ve ever received. It now has a chipped wing and a line on its neck where it once lost its head when it got in the way of a flyswatter vs. fly battle, but it sits on my bookshelf today in reminder of that moment.

My talent was natural born since both my sides of the family draw and paint. I figured I’d be an artist when I grew up. I thought that until I entered the eighth-grade and Ms. Smith’s class.

I was excited to take a real art class and develop my talent. Our first project was constructing a decorative maze shadow box. I had a heart in the middle with a diagonal line on each side representing the entrance and exit. After the box was constructed, I covered the walls with construction paper and designs—colors and designs that were supposed to be my choice.

Well, it should have been my choice as it was my project. From the start, we had to get “approval” for everything we did from Ms. Smith. You couldn’t progress to the next stages without it. First it was the maze layout, then the color choices and designs. When I was done, it became her project. I was just the fingers that cut and pasted it together. My creativity wasn’t important to her, it was all about her and what she thought I should make.

Creativity and fun were abolished in her class. I found myself sniffing the rubber-cement glue just to get through the agonizing 50 minutes of each daily class. When I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did.

One day she reassigned our seats. I moved from the front corner to the very back of the room. When she explained her seating assignment choice, I couldn’t stop crying.

“All the people that are in the front sitting around me show great talent and are real artists. Those in the middle are just that, middle talent. And for those of you in the back, you’re D and F quality.”

OUCH! I’d never considered myself a D or F artist. Who grades art anyway! Isn’t’ it supposed to be a fun expression of ourselves?

Our next project was a prisma-color picture. Prisma-color is a fancy colored pencil at a fancy price. I chose a unicorn and was impressed with how well I was doing. Ms. Kill-Joy on the other hand didn’t like it.

After the pictures were done, she hung them in the hallway for the whole school to view. At grading time, she took us out individually into the hallway and discussed the “great-aspiring artists” adorning the wall and then brought us over to ours. She was comparing what others had done with what we had done.

By now ¾ of the school year was done and I was deflated. I had to listen to her drone on about Chad’s eagle and some other pieces. She asked me, “What grade do you think you deserve?”

What I wanted to say was, an A because that unicorn was my personal best. I learned so much and I was proud of what I accomplished.

With my self-confidence under the floor tiles, I ended up telling her, “I think its C work.”

I ended up taking the picture home hating it. It got buried over the years in drawers and boxes, forgotten. It got scuffed and dirty.

I took another art class in High School and walked away with an amazing watercolor for my mom and for my grandmother. But my enthusiasm wasn’t there any more. I never took another art class. I even quit drawing and painting.

I’m looking at that unicorn picture now on my desk and think, what an amazing job for a fourteen year old! Just think if she would have instructed me and helped me develop my talent instead of telling me I wasn’t good enough.

I allowed one bad teacher to poison my passion for art and convince me that I’m not an artist.

Are you following your dreams, or have you let someone like Ms. Smith influence your dreams and passions? Don't let other people influence your dreams. They're your dreams. Live them to the fullest!

A Trip Around Your Imagination

2010-03-30T15:37:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you wandered through your imagination stretching the boundary into ridiculousness and had fun?

Have you been told

Get your head out of the clouds
Focus on reality
You can’t do that
That idea will never work

I had a wonderful Masterminds meeting today as we talked about perceptions last week and imagination this week. Imagination is so important not only in creating a successful business, but in enriching our lives through practical necessity and entertainment.

When was the last time you looked at a sunset and thought about what it represented? Did you just see pretty colors? Or did you see: The wild colors of sunset romanced the dark colors of night. Tangy pink taffy melted into orange sherbert that drizzled across chocolate mountains. Then the wild stain vanished into a canvas of blinking stars. Excerpt from my book, The Confident Butterfly.

Did you even notice the sunset at all as you raced home?

I had one gentleman at the meeting ask a teenager, who happened to be attending the meeting with his mother, “What makes your imagination so different from ours [adults?] Why is it easier for you to daydream and imagine where adults have difficulty?”

That’s a good question. What do you think? Are you as imaginative as you used to be as a kid? If not, why?

I believe it all comes down to programming. Do you listen to what other people are telling you or do you listen to your own heart’s desires and intuition? Has something someone said to you hindered you, discouraged you into giving up on a goal?

During the meeting the teen stated he wanted to grow up financially independent and retire young. I thought it was a great goal to strive for. An older gentleman at the table just laughed openly and muttered, “Good luck with that.” What a dream squasher!

Is his dream impossible? No. Is it full of challenges and strategic planning to get there? Yes. I hope this kid listens to his own heart and not to the cynical adults around him. He has a real chance provided he works hard.

I stood up in the group and stated, “I’m 39 years old and I still have the same imagination as I did when I was 12. I never let people discourage me from dreaming.”

I actually had people tell me that I would never become a writer because I got C’s in English. Another one I heard was you need a Master’s Degree in English. I used to think that was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard of! All writer’s have editors and it’s the editor’s job to point out and fix those annoying comma splices and dangling participles—what the heck is that anyway?

Writers put together passionate thoughts and imagery that evoke emotion within readers. Editors dot the i’s and cross the t’s. Every writer in those bookstores has an editor, even the ones who got a Master’s in English! Guess, what? Stephen King's first editor believes I am a great writer.

If someone says to you imagination is a waste of time, tell them to go turn on a light. That little wonder started with a thought that turned into a reality. Imagination is the beginning of all inventions. It has a great purpose. You never know what inventions won’t be thought of if you tell someone to be “realistic.”

Our imagination is the only limit to what we can hope to have in the future.

Charles F. Kettering

Do you need to dream again? Spend 15 minutes everyday imaging and playing in your mind. You never know where a little fun will take you when dealing with day-to-day stress and complications.

This is what my little book The Confident Butterfly is all about. Following your heart and living your dreams.

The Confident Butterfly PART I

2010-03-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

The Confident Butterfly

Synopsis:

Common Place is the home to many caterpillars and is ruled by Commander Critic, who prohibits growth and change. One rebellious caterpillar is about to change everything they know. Natalie embarks on a forbidden journey where she embraces her own identity, discovers the truth that has been hidden from her people, and realizes her destiny. She faces many hardships that develop her character, and she must challenge everyone’s long-held beliefs.

*********************************************************************************

Common Place is the home to many caterpillars. It lies in a quiet valley under the protection of a tall oak tree. It’s indeed a common little city where nothing much happens, and no great accomplishments ever take place. The only thing any caterpillar strives for is being average, comfortable, and safe. Change is absolutely forbidden.

Natalie sat day-dreaming at the edge of her favorite cliff. Beyond the safety of her home, she saw the river caressing the sweet earth below and the mountains joining the sky like lost lovers from a different world.

The wild colors of sunset romanced the dark colors of night. Tangy pink taffy melted into orange sherbert that drizzled across chocolate mountains. Then the wild stain vanished into a canvas of blinking stars.

The beautiful unknown beckoned her. What kind of adventure waited for her in that forbidden world? Then she sighed as reality drank up her fantasy that left her with the bitter taste of sadness. Like every other caterpillar, she would never leave the safety of her home.

As if to reinforce her situation, she glimpsed upon the border signs flanking tall bushes.

Commander Critic, the ruler of their people, arrested caterpillars for even thinking of exploring the other side. She, herself, was in violation of the laws just for coming to the edge of the city where she wrote her poetry and short stories filled with adventure.

Arriving home, Natalie was immediately scolded by her mother. “Have you been up there again scribbling nonsense in your journals? Your father and brother were out gathering leaves for dinner, and you were nowhere to be found!”

Plates clanked loudly as Mamma continued setting the table. No more than a breath passed when she added, “You’ll never be anyone important, Natalie. I don’t know why you’re so delusional in who you think you really are.”

The words stung deep within Natalie’s heart. She could feel the warmth of tears, but blinked them away. She forgave her mother for the comments. Mamma was only repeating generations of belief that infiltrated every mind within her city.

At dinner she quietly munched her leaves. It was best not to argue. She knew her voice wouldn’t be heard, her love of adventure never understood nor accepted. Then she went to bed.

For years Natalie was told her dreams were too big and she’d never reach them, that her stories were unrealistic, and she needed to stay focused on reality. Her peers thought she was a snob; her teachers thought she was a foolish day-dreamer. One teacher actually wrote that on her homework on several occasions and took extra points off. She was even labeled a trouble-maker.

Last year, when they found out about her journals, she was called into Commander Critic’s office and told she couldn’t write her adventure stories because young, impressionable minds may read them and want to leave the city and go on their own adventures. They may be encouraged to break other lawsand could lead to total anarchy.

She was tired of the small life she lived; tired of the small future she envisioned. She knew if she stayed, the sun of her spirit that warmed her dream would no longer shine. The buds of hope would become cold and black with death. And without that dream, she would seccumb to the same fate.

Natalie began devising her plan.

As the sun rose, so did Natalie’s spirits. Today she was graduating. She packed her journals because she was about to embark on the biggest adventure of her life.

After receiving her diploma, Commander Critic gave his yearly speech.

“Now that you’ve all graduated,” his monotone voice resonated through the air, “I’m reminding you to stay within the city. This is for your own safety, of course. After all, the unknown is scary and very dangerous. Those signs are there to remind you of how good your life is here.” Critic smiled. “Enjoy your new lives as leaf-gatherers!”

Everyone was cheering and clapping at his moving speech. It was good to be reminded just how good it was to be in Common Place and to be reminded of who you were.

Natalie looked at the crowd in disbelief. It fueled her desire to leave all the more. Slowly she backed away from her graduating class and headed toward the restricted zone.

Her heart pounded with fear and excitement. The sign, YOU MAY BE EATEN, towered over her. She could hear Critic’s voice in her head, After all, the unknown is scary and very dangerous.

“Oh, shut up!” Natalie yelled. “You’ve never left the city. What would you know?”

The adventure seemed fun until she encountered the dense thicket of branches where only tiny slivers of light penetrated the shadows. Squeezing her way through the crazy madness of branches, undergrowth, and rocks that impeded her path, she soon lost direction.

Her mind, racing with confusion and fear, screamed, Go back! Turn around and go back! She wanted to cry, to turn and run home, but what direction was home? She should have trusted the signs. She should have trusted the Commander because he always knew what was best.

Now she was lost and no one knew where to look for her, and even if they did, no one would dare enter the forbidden zone to rescue her. Maybe there was no other side of this maddening maze, that this was all there was—a labyrinth of lies that summoned her to what she thought was a better future. The unknown really was scary. She found herself longing for the comfortable misery of her old life.

I failed, she thought. The pain of failure reminded her of her mother’s words. Wanting to prove everyone who ever doubted her wrong, she only ended up setting herself up for a long fall. Her hopes dashed, she sat on a branch and wept.

Then the shadows shifted, and light appeared ahead. The branches were thinning ahead, which meant she was almost through. She was going to make it! With renewed energy she dove through the challenges before her and found herself in a beautiful, green field. Leafy stalks crowned with lavender blooms danced joyfully, spilling their scent into the afternoon breeze.

She climbed the tallest stalk for a better view, then sat contently on a leaf, her theater to nature, watching the sky. The invisible brush touched the heavens, transforming downy clouds into cotton candy floating in a scarlet-tinted masterpiece.

With the fading light, Natalie grabbed some leaves and spotted a hollow log for shelter. She ate, quickly settled in, covered herself with a leaf, and fell asleep.

Steady rain and wind jolted her from a peaceful sleep. The eerie wind screamed at the night. Natalie felt alone and afraid. She was wet from the rain trickling in. Shivering, she curled into a ball under the protection of the leaf and eventually fell back asleep.

Gray light peeked beneath the leaf and woke Natalie. Although the rain had stopped, clouds hung low in the air. Chewing her leafy breakfast, she surveyed the land ahead and proceeded to explore the river.

She saw the worms surface in light of the rain and realized the danger—the birds would be coming. Indeed, she may be eaten! Fear sliced through her veins like razors. She had to get back to the log where she would be protected. Then a bird dove from the sky straight for her. She couldn’t move; she couldn’t breathe.

PART II

The Confident Butterfly is available to purchase on Amazon.com

See reviews from readers:

"The Confident Butterfly" is the delightful tale of Natalie the caterpillar, who knows in her heart that she was destined to be more than what her family and friends have told her she will be. Natalie sets out to discover her true calling in life and in her journey, must overcome her fears to become the beautiful butterfly she was destined to be. Natalie's story is one of hope, courage, growth and transformation and is, in reality, the story of what's possible for us all. ~ Don Ratliff, President/Founder, Yes I Can Project.

"Your book imparts hope and courage. It will uncover life long lies, and it will bring forgiveness as well to those who have hurt people and quenched their potential for whatever reasons. It stirs long forgotten and buried dreams and hopes; it empowers you to try again, believe again, hope again. It opens your perspective and gives you a wider view, clearing up the cloudy areas of thought and belief. It is simply a wonderful, wonderful book! I loved it, I laughed and cried and felt like I was being held by Jesus as I read it. Thank you Angela! I love you!" Vickie Close

YES YES!! Everyone be sure to read it, it is precious, you will laugh and cry and be inspired that no matter where you are or how long you've been there, miracles still happen. It inspires self belief. i loved it!!!!!!!! A must for mom's to read to their children, do no pass this one by!!! I believe this book can break strongholds of the mind. I believe it can retrieve dreams long ago that seemed to slip through your hands and it seems possible to you now. It inspires hope long lost… a must read. (Vickie Close gave a second review that was posted on my husband's FB site.)

"I really enjoyed [The Confident Butterfly]! I think it is a fantastic message. Such a great gift that God has bestowed on you, to help others believe, dream & see that they are worth more than they ever thought and to dream bigger than they ever imagined." Esther Gayfield

"The Confident Butterfly is an inspiring little tale with messages galore. It’s a delightful short read that will leave you smiling and nudge you into taking action to make your own dreams come true. I highly recommend this book to anyone over the age of ten. While younger readers may not catch all the nuances, the book will not fail to encourage them toward achieving their own special destiny." Sherry Porter

"The Confident Butterfly, is a story that encourages self-esteem and finding your own idenity no matter what the challenges involved. I found it to be a cute narrative describing a hunger for wholeness of person or in this case, a caterpillar!" Sharon Tabor-Cottet

"Wow, sat down and couldn't quit reading, not just the short story but your book [Making Lemonade - A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce] also. I had so many inspirations from you short story that I'm going to pray that God will provide you with someone that you will be able to publish this in book form. The e-book is also great, but I envision such a neat little book with that butterfly on the front.... so many audience's...it is an awesome children's book also." Michele Laib

Chapter Fourteen of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-03-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

“I’m a Pit Bull”

Saturday morning I woke and readied myself for a new experience called Adopt-A-Block. The only thing I had heard about the outreach was people went to neighborhoods and gave food and clothes. God put it on my heart that I join, so I was ready for recruitment.

Arriving at the church, I saw people gathering around boxes of food and clothing and had no idea where to go. It was difficult to find someone to ask as they hurriedly gathered their supplies. Finally someone saw the “deer in the headlights” look and asked if I needed help.

“I’m new and have no idea where to go.”

“Go inside.” He pointed to the building in front of me. “Someone there will adopt you.”

Just as he said that, a voice belonging to a tall, semi-hyper man shouted, “I’ll adopt her!”

From that point, I considered myself adopted. His name was Kirk, and he led me inside and told me to sit and wait for him. With everyone seated, a pastor came to the front full of energy that mirrored Kirk’s and delivered a quick, motivating sermon.

I cannot tell you what section of the Bible he preached from, but all I remember to this day is how he said we had to have a pit bull attitude when it came to saving people, how Jesus didn’t give us the spirit of fear and to reach out with our hearts at our blocks.

A young man came up to me and told me he would be happy to take me and pointed out the mandatory background check forms we had to fill out.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” I shook his hand. “I’ve already been adopted by a group.” I pointed to Kirk.

“No problem. Glad you found someone.” Smiling, he left with his group.

Darn. He was cute. Too young for me, but cute all the same. I felt my loyalty was more important and knew there was a reason that God chose this block for me.

Kirk introduced me to a large black man who made me a little nervous. “This is Nathan, and I’m going to pair you up with him. He’s going to show you the block and what we do.” Instantly Nathan smiled and spoke to me. The intimidation factor left. He was a giant teddy bear!

We loaded up, and I caught a ride with another member to the block since I was unsure of how to get around the north side.

“Welcome to Sunnyslope,” he said as he pointed to the war zone I was about to enter.

Departing from the car, I rejoined Nathan, and we began walking the streets. I discovered he was only a few weeks old to Adopt-A-Block and told me about his first time. Taking me over to an apartment building, he pointed out the blood stain on the sidewalk.

“See this blood? This is from a guy who lived in this apartment. I came around the corner and he asked, ‘Do you speak English?’ I said, of course. Then he took his hand off his neck, and there was this gash where someone had cut his throat. I went to call Kirk, and he was standing right behind me with the same expression I had on my face. His brother was still inside the apartment, dead. Kirk told me, ‘Welcome to the block’!” If Nathan expected me to run back to the safety of my car and never come back, I’m happy to say the story didn’t deter me.

I found Sunnyslope to be nothing like its name. It’s a forgotten little corner behind a mountain ornamented with wealthy houses. On the opposite side lay middle class suburbia. Broken glass lay like shattered hope and carpeted the ground. It was as thick as the lies the enemy fed the inhabitants. A small cluster of apartment buildings flanked the sad street. Plastic windows, like blind eyes, stared out into the world. With each step the hot asphalt sucked out a little more happiness from my spirit.

“I want to go over here,” Nathan pointed across the street. “Now,” he began as he put his hand on my back and looked down on me like he was speaking to a small child, “There’s a crack house over there in that complex. If you don’t want to come, I understand.”

Drugs? Here in Sunnyslope? I had no idea. Biting back my sarcastic response, I simply answered, “I’ll come with you.”

Surprised, Nathan smiled and led me to the worst set of apartments on that street. Entering the U shaped complex, I was greeted by a parking lot covered in smashed beer bottles and condoms. Empty parking spaces were thick with black oil while others housed barely functional cars. I persevered.

Walking to the second story, Nathan kept on about how fragile I seemed and that he hoped that this experience wasn’t going to scare me away from the block. Finally, I had enough.

“Let me tell you something about me, Nathan.” I pointed to him. “The enemy doesn’t scare me. I’m not afraid of anything. I’m a Pit Bull.” Visions of ripping off the enemy’s horns danced through my head as I remembered the morning’s lesson.

Recoiling from my comment, he saw the look in my eyes and nearly fell off the balcony. At first he was angry that I would talk to him like that, but later, he respected this tiny, 5’1” woman who walked into Sunnyslope like she owned the place.

Never judge a book by its cover. Just as Nathan appeared scary to me, to him I looked like a nineteen-year-old who had never seen anything other than a silver spoon. What I told Nathan was true. I had seen the enemy. He had given me his worst for 35 years, and he was out of ideas on how to stop me from succeeding with the plans God had for me. He stripped away all that I loved, and now I was angry, and it was time I step up and fight back on his turf. Bring it on! Yes, Sunnyslope was now my block, my family.

Returning the following week, Nathan stated how much he and Kirk were amazed by me and said that this was the perfect block for me.

Nathan gave me a new name. “I have a new name for you—Ultimate Warrior. Because, Angela, you have no fear. You’re so awesome.” The following week, he changed my name to Pit Bull.

Slowly, I began forming relationships with our regular attendees in The Slope and continued searching for the hurting. Caring so much about the block, I would drive by at night by myself and pray for the people. Relaying this information to Kirk and Nathan, they had concerns for my safety. Again, I had no fear, and in some ways not a whole lot to live for.

To purchase a copy of the entire book:

http://www.amazon.com/Making-Lemonade-Spiritual-Journey-Through/dp/0595531148/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

I Have a Dream, Now What?

2010-03-13T20:46:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a dream or a goal and told someone about it only to find they say, “Well, how are you going to do that?” Only it’s not a question? Instead it’s a deep sarcastic, dream-squashing comment.

There are always going to be people who will be threatened or jealous when you have a passion to succeed. They will criticize and try to sabotage you. Why? Because their life is a mess and misery truly does love company.

Have you had a dream or goal, but didn’t know where to begin or know if it was even feasible to accomplish?

Keep this one thing in mind, if you envisioned it, you’re the one who can make it happen.

To get started with your dream you need to write it down. Brainstorm ideas around it to include the who, why, what, when and how. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but be as specific as you can be at this point. You’ll fill in the gaps as things go along or compensate for new changes. So don’t be discouraged if you have more blanks in your specifics category than you’d like to see. Don’t let it hinder you from going forward.

You may find you’re a great ideas person, but you need help getting the project started and the specifics generated. Seek out friends, family, a person who is actually doing what you want to do or a mentor to help you along the way.

Are you great at figuring out what other people should do, but when it comes to your own life you get stuck? I’m great at ideas for my own life, but the planning may get a bit murky at times. You just need someone with a different perspective to analyze the situation. It’s like an artist who is too close to his painting to see a small detail that still needs to be created to bring the whole thing together.

Don’t procrastinate! You’ll only let fear and you’re inner critic win. And stop with the what ifs. You know, the “What if this . . . happens?” You can’t worry about what will happen. Eighty to ninety percent of what we worry about never happens anyway. And when it does, then you can deal with it and, most likely, be able to deal with it with the knowledge you gained along your journey.

Roadblocks are a part of any new challenge. You need to be creative in how to get around them. This is where you may need several people around you to generate fresh, new ideas. No one can do something alone and without proper support.

You may get discouraged along the way, and having a support group or networking group of like-minded people can help lift you up and keep you moving.

People always tell their goals, dreams and desires. You need goals, but your "WHY" is a big reason that will keep you’ll going. Know your why and you’ll continue with your dream even though you come across roadblocks. You’ll find a way to make it happen.

Keep asking these questions to find or remember your why.

Where's your fire? What do you love? What do you hate? What is really important to you? What do you really want? What situation in life do you want to get out of so it never happens again? Why is my project needed?

Why are you on this planet? In one form or another, you're here to change lives, touch lives and help people. What are you meant to do?

Stay away from the dream killing personalities—they’re literal dream vampires who will suck all the ambition and momentum out of you.

Keep moving forward despite the setbacks. I don’t think anyone ever got their plans right the first time. After all, it took Thomas Edison over 10,000 tries to create a light bulb, and in that process, he burned down one of his labs. He looked at the burned shell as a new opportunity to create a bigger and more advanced lab.

You are worth your dream, and your dream IS worth developing. Finally, keep your family and friends in the loop if they’re positive and supportive. This is especially true for spouses. If your dream takes off, they may think you traded your marriage for the goal instead of being married to them. If they stay involved then they feel like it’s a part of them, too.

Some days I get scared, my confidence is shaken. My Inner Critic won’t stop reminding me of my failures as I pursue my own dreams—to be a famous writer and life coach. There are days I can’t write a single sentence worthy of keeping let alone try to write a story or novel or self-help book. So I figured, if I can’t write during the day I’ll write at night.

I think I write better at night because my Inner Critic goes to sleep (after all, he needs to rest after beating me up all day) and Angela gets to come out and play.

With reality engulfed in the darkness, my imagination can come alive because all I see are the possibilities for my life. During this time it is easier to rely on belief rather than sight.

Find a way to live your dreams, and develop your passion. Learn to break your own bizarre rules your brain holds you accountable to and be everything the world needs you to become. We need you and what you have to offer!

Chapter Thirteen of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-03-12T20:15:00.000-08:00

You Saved My Life

One day, at the end of February, my boss called me into her office. Thoughts of getting fired entered my mind. Great, they’re tired of hearing me cry all day. It turned out to be a great blessing. Asking how I was holding up, as if it wasn’t obvious enough, she told me of a girl in another department whom I needed to get to know.

Briefly introducing ourselves, she told me of this great church she belonged to, Phoenix First Assembly of God. It was a drive, but she said it was worth it. God loved me so much He pulled me from a church where I was spiritually and physically dying to a place where I could receive the help I needed.

The following Sunday, I met her in the parking lot at work. During service, I was contemplating if I would return. I really liked the service. Pastor had a great message. The sanctuary was full of people of all ages and, according to the handout, there were several activities to get involved with. But was it worth a 45 minute drive each way?

I met up with her again to attend the 7:00 p.m. service. Joyce Meyer would be speaking. After reading her book, Reduce Me to Love, I really wanted to hear her. I was not disappointed. Her message was wonderful and fun. She had a style of delivering her message that everyone could relate to.

Lying in bed that night, I thought of the opportunity given to me. Yes, the drive was long, but the church had what I was looking for. I knew I wouldn’t be living in my duplex in Mesa forever. I liked the area the church was located. What else did I have to do? Maybe I had a new life waiting for me, and I had to make a temporary sacrifice to find that life.

My decision was made. Twice on Sundays, I traveled north to Phoenix First. The time alone in my car gave me time with God, and the drive through Scottsdale was scenic.

One night after service I stood at the front door with the girl who introduced me to the church. Her son had been part of the performance that night, and Pastor Barnett congratulated him. Pastor turned to me and shook my hand. After my last church experience, I was blown away. This man had a huge church and was taking time to shake my hand? I told him how grateful I was to be a part of his church, that I loved his messages and that he was a blessing to me. Tearing up, I also told him that he saved my life. In turn he told me that I was a blessing to him and was grateful for the comments.

I said, “I don’t think you understand. I was thinking of taking my life again until I came here. You saved my life.” A look of horror creased his face as he grabbed me and hugged me tightly. We just cried on each other.

Shortly after, I was baptized. I told myself that I had to put aside my anger and stop e-mailing hurtful things to my ex-husband. I did this when my anger got the best of me. I had to become a better person, a better Christian. It was time to be everything that God wanted me to be.

I stopped murdering my oranges.

Chapter Twelve of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-03-06T17:21:00.000-08:00

Spiritual Frost

While Steve was counting down the days until his lover would join him, I was waiting for the day I would begin healing. The week I moved in, I found a church within three miles of my home. It was a small congregation, smaller than the one I came from in Lake Havasu, but felt it should be intimate and easier to get to know the staff and meet people.

The first night I attended, I noticed everyone, minus the two people I was sitting with and another couple on the prayer team, was in their eighties and above. I knew finding friends was going to be impossible. As I looked upon all the couples, my heart was reminded how much I longed to be married and grow old with someone.

The pastor gave fiery sermons, but didn’t interact with his parishioners after service. My spiritual growth hit a hard frost. Lack of friends, family and a supportive church destroyed everything I accomplished before leaving Lake Havasu. The loneliness became a deeper pain than the divorce.

Every day driving to and from work, I screamed and cried out to God, “I want to go home! I don’t want to be here. I don’t like this place.” At night, I curled into a ball on the floor and cried until all my energy left, and my stomach cramped.

Through my pleas of telling God I wanted to go home, I would hear Him answer, We will find someone better for you. I didn’t wish to start over again. I would rather have the comfortable misery than an unknown future.

During these times when I cried, my neighbor would come over to see if I was okay and talk to me. “I’m afraid that one day I’m going to knock on your door and you won’t answer. I’m afraid you’ll be dead.” He grabbed me and cried. Ivan always provided positive comments such as, “You’re so pretty. You need to eat. Someone is going to be so blessed to have you. Look at you.” I felt God told him to check on me.

I cried all day at work in my cubicle. I cried in my car. I cried at home. I couldn’t stop. One night the pain became so desperate I couldn’t breathe. I had to cut the pain out. I stabbed the safety pen into my forearm. Tears of pain mingled with ones of heartache. Blood beaded upon my skin. Literally feeling Jesus beside me, his hand upon my back, he begged, Please, don’t do that. Please stop.

“No!” My scream echoed throughout the lonely duplex. “How dare you leave me here! How dare you take everything from me! How dare you!” Physical pain briefly masked the pain of my heart.

I couldn’t face another day. Turning off the alarm, I called in sick to work. Mulling over my options, I decided maybe I needed to go home to my mom. Maybe Montana was my new start.

When I called my mom, she seemed to bring reality to my irrational thoughts. She would be supportive and help me emotionally, but I would have to pay for the move. She reminded me there was no work to be found. And if I moved to Missoula, that would be another moving expense. I would be spending money and have no money coming in to replace it. Missoula had no guarantees either. It was also expensive, and good paying jobs were limited.

I decided to stay. I had to make the best of another mistake.

Carrying my laundry to the back, my foot rolled on an orange, nearly tripping me. The orange picked the wrong day to get in my way.

Stomp!

Orange juice splattered onto the sidewalk and my shoe. It felt good. After starting my laundry, I picked up several oranges and threw them against my block wall and stomped some more, venting my anger.

My energy spent, I sat and cried, then, with sticky shoes, I sauntered into the kitchen and threw them in the sink.

I did this on several occasions when I thought of his lover or remembered something hurtful.

I was early for the Wednesday night service. Slouching like a straw doll with most of its stuffing missing, I allowed myself to be swallowed by the peace of the sanctuary.

Pastor’s wife entered the room from the back. Walking from behind me to the stage, she said, “Have a bad day?” She did not stop or even wait for an answer.

Look at my arm! Look at me! My eyes shouted. Did you see that, God? Did you see how she walked past her wounded parishioner and didn’t care?

To top off my week, I had to deal with Valentine’s Day. I put on no makeup, turned off the radio so I didn’t have to hear the sappy love songs or even the love totally sucks songs, and went to bed as soon as I got home. I just wanted the day to end. I wanted the single season in my life to end. I wanted to shoot St. Valentine, but would settle for Cupid.

To purchase a copy of the entire book:

http://www.amazon.com/Making-Lemonade-Spiritual-Journey-Through/dp/0595531148/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

Six Steps to Finding Self Worth

2010-02-27T11:45:00.000-08:00

It's all about reprogramming your brain. Imagine all the negative self talk from you and from other people is like a computer virus. You now have to find ways of going into your "software" and eliminate the damage that has been done to your self-confidence and attack it back just like an anti-virus program. It can be done. "The subconscious mind does not know the difference between real and unreal. It accepts what you feed it." Dr. Maxwell Maltz.

1. Make a Decision to Change

a. By improving yourself confidence, everything else in your life will certainly change.
b. The more you feel empowered, the more you will want to change.
c. Make the change for yourself and not for someone else.

2. Change the Way You Look at Yourself. Don’t look at your negatives. Look for the positive and uniqueness of who you are.

a. Start a list of the 20 things you like about yourself.
b. List your gifts and talents.
c. Be okay with the things that you even need to change. The Paradox, this allows you to change those things.
d. Be okay with your imperfectness. NO ONE IS PERFECT!
Do not strive for perfection. We aren’t perfect and never will be. You’re setting yourself up for failure.
The "Be like Jesus" syndrome will cause you to fail before you even begin.
e. Just be the best you. Too many expectations of an unrealistic you will set you up for failure just as quickly.

3. Reinforce these Positive Things about Yourself

a. Say positive things about yourself.
b. Write positive things about yourself and post them around the house, bathroom, fridge, bedroom, car. Places you will constantly see them and read them aloud.
c. Accept compliments from others. It’s time to throw modesty out the window.
d. Give and get more hugs.
e. Work hard at meaningful conversations.

4. Re-examine Your Relationships with Others. Make changes if necessary.

a. Find healthy relationships that help support and build you up.
b. Remove destructive relationships and influences.
c. Create healthy boundaries from those destructive relationships.

5. Get Rid of Negative Self-Thought

a. Learn ways to silence the inner critic.
b. Learn ways to silence past conversations from others.
c. Analyze what others have said and decide if they are rational, based on true facts. Write them out and face them head-on.
d. If some are valid, work on changing the habit, acts, etc. to positive.
e. Consider the source of who told you these things.

6. Make a Specific Change in Your Behavior

a. Determine if something really needs to be changed and do it.
b. Have specific goals and start small and easy.
c. Celebrate your changes, progress.

Remember, you are a perfect creation of God/Universe. You're worth being loved and worth self love. Be prepared that when making these changes and putting healthy boundaries in place, you may cause some resistance from those around you. They may not want you to change and fear losing you. HOLD YOUR GROUND!

Discover Your Wings is the perfect book to help you implement these changes in your life. Great book for teenage girls as well.

Chapter Ten of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-02-22T16:25:00.000-08:00

January’s Chill

On a cold January evening, I traveled with a heart full of faith and heaviness. Curving around the mountains, I thought of all the twists and turns in my life that brought me to this point. The blackness of the road stretched out ahead, then disappeared into the unknown. Just as the sun began to set, darkness tore at the sky above. Crimson seeped from the wound, signifying the death of another day.

What lay in Phoenix for me? Will I like it there? Why did he not love me? All seemed lost as I wandered into the wilderness.

Pulling into the modest duplex, my heart sank. This was now home. “I don’t want to be here. I want to go home!” I cried to God. “Oh, please don’t leave me here.” There weren’t enough tears to vanish the horrible place. I missed my beautiful home.

Slowly approaching the dark, hollow shell, I began moving in my air mattress and bedding material. Alone I lay in the living room as heat began filling the rooms. My thoughts were interrupted as the sound of the walls creaked and popped with the temperature change. I lay still, afraid of the dark, afraid of the sounds that kept waking me up, afraid of the neighborhood around me. Afraid of my new journey.

Then the fight broke out as my neighbors next to me came home. Oh, this is going to be so much fun living here, I thought, as the door slammed and my common wall and front windows shook. The sound of the angry engine tore the silence of the neighborhood. Tires squealed, then all was peaceful. The angry engine filled the night again about a half hour later and more fighting broke out. Within an hour, all was quiet, and I fell asleep.

Unfortunately, I woke up. Sterile walls gleamed as dawn’s first light peeked through half-closed blinds. If it weren’t so tragic that I had to live in a place I didn’t like, it could have been considered a beautiful day. But I felt nothing would make the coming days beautiful.

When the movers came, they asked if all my furniture would fit. Miraculously, I achieved making a mansion out of a thimble. Later that afternoon as I placed my personal items into their appropriate home, God simply held me.

My old carpet was a collage of broken glass and food stains. I surmised Steve took his anger out on my carpet for leaving him in the place we didn’t want a part of anymore. I had nothing else between me and the cold tile and decided I’d have to work on getting it clean. It didn’t come clean. I remembered a Home Depot not too far from my home. I needed to get out of the mess and get away from my new roommate, Self-Pity.

Home Depot was having one of their rug events. Finding a rug, I paid and pulled up to the entrance of the tent. The wind picked up, and I heard a loud crash as my car shifted. With great confusion I looked around and saw nothing out of the ordinary until I got out of the car. The wooden advertising sign hit the passenger door and dented it. The attendant of the tent came rushing to my side to see if I was okay.

“My car,” I squeaked. “Look at my car.”

“It’s okay,” replied the Middle Eastern voice. “You okay. It not hit you. That is good thing.”

Oh, how I longed to tell him I wish it had hit me. So far, my first two days in Phoenix were unwelcoming. Maybe this was a sign I made a mistake. Looking into his eyes, I saw the genuine empathy he had for my situation and simply cried out my frustration. “I just got divorced and moved here. I can’t deal with this.”

“It’s okay. I go get manager of store.” With that he disappeared and soon emerged with the manager who took down my information and reassured me that they would be taking care of the damages.

The paperwork completed and the rug loaded into my car, I cried all the way home. The exterior of my car now matched the interior of my heart and soul. It seemed only fitting.

Welcome to Phoenix.

Steve came the following day with my two precious dogs, Jasmine and Baby. He set up the entertainment center, arranged for the new washer and dryer, and even took me out to dinner. The next day, he left. Trembling, I sat on the couch as the engine of his car faded. Feeling the comforting presence of Jesus’ hand upon my back, I knew He was with me sharing my pain. My tears were His tears. It did not quell my pain.

The following weekend I lay in bed trying to sleep when a loud crash jolted me out of bed. Lights off, I peered out my kitchen window wondering if someone was vandalizing my car. I saw emergency lights across the street. Someone had been racing down the side street, apparently not realizing it dead-ended into the apartment complex, and wrapped the car around the fire hydrant that was now spraying water. Wonderful neighborhood.

To purchase a copy of the entire book:

http://www.amazon.com/Making-Lemonade-Spiritual-Journey-Through/dp/0595531148/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

A Gift from the Heart

2010-02-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning I woke and readied myself for a new experience called Adopt-A-Block. The only thing I had heard was that people went to neighborhoods and gave food and clothes to people. God put it on my heart that I join, so I was ready for recruitment.

I found Sunnyslope to be nothing like its name. It is a forgotten little corner behind a mountain ornamented of wealthy houses. On the opposite side lay middle class suburbia.

Broken glass lay like their shattered dreams carpeting the ground. It was as thick as the lies that the enemy fed these people. A small cluster of apartment buildings flanked the sad street. Plastic windows, like blind eyes, stared out into the world filled with hopelessness. With each step I took, the hot asphalt sucked out a little more joy.

Slowly, I began forming relationships with our regular attendees in The Slope and continued searching for the hurting.

Our church provided us clothing and other items occasionally to give to our block; however, there was always a need for children’s clothing. It was put upon my heart one week to go to Wal-Mart and buy clothing for some of the children. I had a general idea of the ages and did the best I could with sizes. Only gathering fifty dollars worth of clothing, I wanted to buy more. It just didn’t seem like enough, but it was all I had to give.

The following Saturday, I set the clothes out on the grass for the children to sort through. One girl scooped up some shirts and I reminded her they were for the other girls as well. One little boy, around three, whom I had picked up a few weeks earlier and carried to the block and loved to be held by me, went over and picked up a shirt/short set.

“Is this for me? Can I have this?” his eye wide with joy.

I knelt down, “Yes, I bought this for you to have.”

Instantly he wrapped his little arms around me and said, “Thank you.”

Smiling, I had to turn away as the tears fell. These children appreciated having such things because they were without. They didn’t have the necessities we sometimes call luxuries.

Again, I thought of how much more I wanted to buy them and was unable to while I went home to a safer neighborhood that had working air conditioning and food, and a closet full of clothes that I was tired of wearing.

It brought back memories of my childhood when I was given clothes and shoes, especially in third grade gym class when I had to play in my socks because I did not have tennis shoes and my teacher kept insisting that my mother could afford them.

Steps to Recover From Abuse and Divorce

2010-02-11T20:31:00.000-08:00

How did I recover and rebuild my life after divorce and abuse? I’m not going to lie to you and say it was easy and that there is a magical pill you can take and it will all be better. It was a lot of hard work with hair-pulling moments of frustration. However, when I got there, I found sunny skies and a freedom I never experienced before.

First of all, there is no time limit. We all heal and deal with things on our own time schedule. The key is to keep moving and working through the problems. So don’t feel like a failure if it seems you’re not making a lot of progress at first.

1. Find Your Faith. Faith means a different things to different people. There are many religions that people recognize. Find whatever works for you, whether it is Christianity, Buddhism, New Age, etc. Cling to it with all your might. This is where you’ll gather your strength to get through your painful moments of depression and anger and confusion.

2. Change Your Thoughts. There is power in your thoughts that controls your future. “Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become your destiny.” When we're discouraged or hurt, it’s easy to think negative, spirit-killing thoughts. These thoughts are wasted energy that are not benefiting your future.

Change the negative thoughts into positive ones. This may be difficult at first so you’re going to have to do this exercise on purpose until it can become natural to you. This may take years of retraining your brain, but it is crucial you learn how to do this.

Our brain accepts whatever we tell it. It doesn’t know the difference between reality and what we tell it. Have you ever wondered how a murderer can pass a lie detector test with flying colors? They practice convincing themselves they didn’t do it. You convince yourself enough times, you’ll believe it.

Only we’re convincing ourselves of something good. We’re reconditioning and nurturing our minds, body and future.

When I was taking my life coaching certification we studied this neuro-linguistic programming. As our instructor read an exercise to us over the webinar, I was eating my morning almonds. She had us close our eyes and imagine a lemon—to feel it, to see the color, the texture, to smell it in our hands. Then we were to cut the lemon in half and drip its juice into our mouths. At that moment, my mouth puckered and watered and I nearly spit out my lemon tasting almonds.

My brain didn’t understand it was only an image or a suggestion. It thought I had really dripped the tart juice into my mouth and it reacted accordingly.

When you’ve been abused or have gone through a nasty divorce, there are long-lasting affects. Our brains just don’t forget—lobotomy anyone?—it stores our memories and emotions. So if we can’t forget, how do we go on to a better future?

First of all, there is no room for your past in your future. You have to let it go, or in this case, work through this pain so that it doesn’t affect you and hold you prisoner in time. You really do have the key to release yourself from this prison. Time is a huge factor in this process, so don’t expect miracles over night, but it will happen!

Don’t bury the memory or emotions. This is extremely unhealthy and you’ll never heal. It’s like putting duct-tape on the Titanic. It may last a little while, but you’re still going to sink.

Acknowledge the feelings, reactions and flashbacks. Understand your triggers that put you in this state. Don’t dwell on them; understand them so you can identify what is really happening with you. When this happens you can say things like:

Yes, it happened, but it’s over now.
I’m safe now.
I’m in a good place.
That person is no longer a part of my life.
This new person is not the person who hurt me. (Let’s hope you haven’t fallen into another bad relationship.)

The more you tell yourself it's okay, you’re reassuring your brain it’s now okay. You’re telling that “small child” or “hurt self” in your brain you’re safe.

If you have nightmares, that’s okay. Our brain is processing events, but with this self assurance, even these will soon stop. Make your room a safe, loving, nurturing sanctuary.

Lots of fluffy girly pillows
Bright colors mixed in a soothing back drop of colors
Even sleep with a small light on, a nightlight or tiny, low-watt lamp that is filtered with a colored scarf so that you can still sleep.
Listen to a subliminal message CD that speaks the words you need to hear and play it as you fall asleep. This is great for the car and during the day, too.
Listen to soft, soothing music, the kind they play when you get a massage, before going to bed.

Whatever works to calm yourself down and tell yourself you’re safe and the trauma is over.

We are spirit and we can control our minds. Whatever we think of enough will come true. If you’re thinking negative and fearful thoughts, they can come to fruition. Fear is faith in the negative. You’ve got to learn how to stop this and think of the good things you want in your life. There is a great book called Creative Visualization I read many years ago that talked about attracting good things into your life with the power of thought.

I took a lot of time on this particular section because it is the key to healing and rebuilding your life. Faith and thoughts are going to be your foundation for everything. Make it strong.

3. Work Through Your Emotions. Working through your emotions is essential to healing. Again, there is no magic pill to take that will get you through the grief, anger and depression. It is mandatory to feel all of these “icky” emotions in order to heal.

4. Dealing with Anger. You have to express divorce and abuse anger. That doesn’t mean demolishing your spouse’s car . . . You need to express the anger in a healthy way. Taking up sports is healthy. Hitting a ball can be a great release and create some fun visions.

5. Who Am I? Knowing who you are and discovering your purpose is empowering. It is important that you begin this process as soon as possible. I know, it’s the last thing you’re thinking about, but it needs to be the first.

You need a goal to strive toward. Right now you may be feeling hurt, angry, depressed, completely shattered. You obviously don’t want to stay this way. Having that goal is going to help pull you out of the rut you’re currently in.

"Well, I'm divorced! Lets hit e-Harmony!" Don't jump into a new relationship right away. You need to rediscover who you are. You need time to heal. By not allowing yourself the appropriate amount of time to heal you're going to land another turkey. By becoming confident in who you are and in what you want, your self-esteem is going to allow you to pick the eagle for the next relationship.

6. Nothing Works without Forgiveness. OUCH! I remember showing this chapter to the girls at the domestic violence shelter. Every one of them jumped back as though the word were a snake ready to bite them. They looked everywhere but at the page. I quickly assured them that they were not ready to even think about doing this, but it was needed in the future and I wanted to give them the tools so that they knew what forgiveness was and wasn’t to help them. They did relax a bit.

There is a point when we have to let the our hearts forgive in order to have complete healing and let go of that person and incident. Forgiveness has many layers.

What Does Forgiveness Really Mean?

Forgiveness is a decision that purifies the heart, releases pain, hate and bitterness from you when you release the offense over to God to correct. Often times He will not get completely involved in correcting the wrong until we’ve done our part and forgiven.

Forgiveness is your gift to yourself.

It is important to remember you are forgiving the offender, not the offense done to you.

Forgiveness gives you peace. Without it, there is no complete healing. It is the antidote for depression, anger, bitterness, spiritual and emotional illness and loneliness.

You can forgive without reconciliation because the offender doesn’t have to know, or if they do, it doesn’t require a positive response. It’s the responsibility of the person you are forgiving to receive it or not. You’re free to walk away knowing you did what God asked you to do.

When faced with evil, kill it with kindness. It extinguishes the fire.

It is an exchange of power that really does break the binding force. Unforgiveness binds you literally, in the spiritual sense, to that person and to the offense. Do you wonder why you walk around always feeling like that person is right there with you and you can’t shake them from your life?

Imagine yourself handcuffed to every person you’ve ever held a grudge against—your ex-spouse, the kid in fifth grade, an ex-friend. The chain is real. The people are real. The weight holding you back from trying to walk forward in your life is very real. You’re either laboring forward, out of breath and tired, or you’re stuck.

Break the chains holding you in captivity.

What forgiveness Is Not:

Forgiveness is not a feeling nor does it mean to forget. Forgive and forget are not even found in the Bible. However, forgiveness has helped me forget some things and has softened the memories of others. It’s a soul-searching process that isn’t instant. At first you may feel so angry toward the person there is no way you can possibly think of forgiving. With God, you can. Sometimes it even involves asking God to help us even want to forgive.

It doesn’t let the other person off the hook or condone the other person’s behavior. It doesn’t mean you’re trusting in that person.

7. Give Unto Others. Get out of your head and out of yourself for a few hours. It will make you feel needed and have a purpose. I felt less than human after my divorce. I joined an out-reach called Adopt-A-Block through my old church. Every week I'd go out to Sunnyslope, one of the worst areas of Phoenix, and inspire adults and children. The love I received from those people will always be with me. There were many good memories and sad tragedies of loss and even a drive-by shooting--thankfully when I wasn't there! Going there made me realize what I really had and how to be thankful for my current life at the time. I set out to help others, and in the process, saved my own life.

These are just a few of the strategies I used in my recovery process. They work. In 9 months I completely changed my life. I’ve seen them work in the lives of others who’ve gone through the divorce care program I helped facilitate and work in the lives of the women at the domestic violence shelter.

Books I've written and published. All books have been edited by Micheal Garrett, Stephen King's first editor and approved by my readers.

Making Lemonade -- A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce is a memoir of my abusive relationship and recovery. You'll understand that the points above are real because I walked through them.

Discover Your Wings is a book I created to help other’s heal and truly find purpose and happiness. It was inspired by Hands of Hope, the domestic violence shelter I volunteered at and my own journey through pain and divorce.

The Confident Butterfly is a short story out of Discover Your Wings. Three Arizona Girl Scout leaders are using this story to help inspire confidence for their girls and receive a badge. I'd love for all leaders to use this book. The story is for all ages, including adults.

Chapter Nine of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-02-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

Preparing for the Unknown Journey

Okay, God, you need to show me what you can do to put this life back together. People at Abundant Grace are telling me that you’re faithful and will take care of me and meet my needs. I’ve seen those scriptures in the few parts of the Bible that I’ve read. But I need you to prove yourself to me because right now I’m having serious doubts. Do you not see that this divorce is harming me, that I will not financially survive without Steve? Why are you putting me in danger?

You say I’ve come to prosper you and to give you a hope and a future, not to harm you. I guess I’m not seeing this right now. If you are doing something, I wish you would communicate it with me because this burden of fear that I’m carrying is almost too much. What am I supposed to do with my life now? In my world it was raining and I needed a snorkel. I looked upon the horizon for my rainbow. This is the chance to either make something of my life or fail. Oh, God, not another failure!

For several weeks God kept assuring me that I would like the outcome, yet my future looked blurred, out of focus. What do I do now? I’m stuck with a car payment. I have two “four-legged children” who are looking to me to take care of them. I have no job and a small settlement that if I wasn’t careful with, would only last me for a little while. I had a whole lifetime ahead of me.

Of all the decisions I made at this time, I made the right one by not going to live with my mother. I would be going to Plains, Montana, a small town with population almost as low as the winter temperatures, and I would never grow in strength and maturity. I had no future if I surrendered to the apron strings of security. Too many times had I seen or heard of people going home with the intent of moving on once they recovered, but they never did because they weren’t forced to.

Moving forward required relocating to a big city with jobs and opportunity. I wanted somewhere fresh that I had never been and no memories to haunt me. This was a new beginning to make a career in medical billing, make a life, and when the time was right, possibly find someone.

I felt in my heart that I would marry again, but how long would I have to wait? How long would I have to wade through the loneliness? How long would I have to wait for true love? And if I did find someone, how could I trust him? That brought up new annoyances and fears; I’ll have to reenter the dating realm.

Right now I knew I wasn’t good for anyone. I didn’t even want to be with me. If I could have left myself, I would have. I knew better than to seek another relationship. I had to find me, know who I was and grow in strength, confidence and independence. I had to relearn how to fend for myself and survive without depending on someone else. Only then would I be stable enough to even think of sharing my life with someone.

Self-defeat spoke loud into my heart; if Steve was unable to love me, then no one would. You’re unlovable. You’re such a mess, who would want you? He let you down, so get ready for rejection again. You’re a failure. You deserve what you got because you insisted on marrying him. I mean, come on, God even told you to run.

The hardest part of leaving was realizing I was going to leave my church. It became increasingly difficult to attend Bible study and go to service. One night, after returning from Sunday service, I told Steve that I didn’t want to attend anymore. I told him that it pained me too much to leave the people I finally got to know. I loved my little church and the pastor and his wife. Why was it when I finally found a good church and a place I felt I belonged did I have to leave? It just wasn’t fair! Did God not understand the pain I was already going through? Why did I have to make all the sacrifices?

Steve’s encouraging words were the least of what I expected. There were times that he made fun of me for going and continually called my pastor “Pastor Friendly” rather than his name on purpose. “You need to continue to go. I’ve seen changes in you at times, and it’s because you are going. It is because of the support system you have. If you don’t go, you’ll look back and regret it.”

I’m amazed those words held a lot of truth. I needed the support of all those around me to strengthen me and my pastors continued to counsel me in preparation for beginning a new life in Phoenix.

For Christmas gifts, I was armed with a list of all the local Assembly of God churches and a new Women’s Studies Bible from the pastors and an anonymous gift of a beautiful cross necklace.

January 13th the movers came and placed everything on the truck. Steve paid for my move, and I had half the money he owed me. The other half was coming to me in two more days.

Chapter Eight of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-02-02T14:34:00.000-08:00

A Solitary Christmas

I had kicked the wall in anger with my slippered foot. Steve picked me up and threw me into the Christmas tree. Never in our years together had he been physically violent with me. What made him hate me so much? We had been arguing over his infidelity.

Abhorrence for him held back my tears. I wanted to strike him, but I knew God saw the incident, and He would take care of it for me.

A few days later we got into another argument when his mother only sent my Christmas gifts. I opened them right away because it didn’t matter; Christmas didn’t matter.

Selecting a few T-Shirts, I threw the rest of the gifts in a bag and brought them to the church. I know that his mom went to all the trouble of picking out gifts for me, even after the divorce was taking place, but the objects seemed empty. They held no meaning. For once, my material items that I treasured above all other things, including people, seemed like a pile of junk. I decided to give them away to the church for other people who didn’t receive gifts.

The meaning of Christmas was lost in my heart as I slouched in Mass. Jovial parishioners filed out. Christmas blessings were exchanged. I was not a part of the world as I stood in the shadows concealing my bruises and scratches.

Christmas is a day of family, a day of sharing gifts; a day of joy. I was alone. My tree lay empty. My heart was broken. Deep under the covers I cried myself to sleep. I had never experienced a Christmas alone. My heart bled for all those people who were just as alone. Now I understood how difficult the holidays were for those who had no one to share them with. I finally understood what Christmas was really about and found myself dreaming of Christmas past and longed to walk through the portal of time.

Mom was heading to Phoenix to work on consolidating an office. A few days after Christmas, she picked me up so I could spend time with her and Michael, her new husband, and preview the area. I decided that I was going to move to Phoenix. It held the most opportunity for starting a new life. I even picked out a rental.

We went to Mesa to see the duplex. Exiting the freeway, I glanced at the neighborhood. Low Rent/Free Utilities signs hung from modest apartment buildings, dilapidated houses with barred windows lined the street on both sides. Well, this is directly off the freeway, I thought. It has to get better. Then I saw my street. I was in the heart of poverty. There was a pawn shop on one side of the street and an AT&T building on the other. Thankfully my duplex was behind the AT&T building.

The duplex faced two apartment complexes. One looked like gangs ran the place, the other seemed quiet. The rest of the neighborhood was full of older homes in a variety of conditions and a house that was a burned out shell. What disturbed me more was the police car sitting in front of the “gang central” apartments and the helicopter circling overhead.

Unable to catch the maintenance worker who was putting in my new countertops, I could only look at the back yard. So far, I wasn’t impressed, especially for the rent I was paying.

“Do you think they have other places you could check out while you are here?” Mom asked. I could tell she was biting her tongue on other comments she wanted to make.

“No.” It was almost a sob. “This is all she has in my price range. I don’t have a choice if I want to keep my dogs.”

“Well, maybe it’s not so bad —”

“You live here then!”

“We’ll call the realtor and express our concerns. Maybe she knows the neighborhood, and we just came on a bad day.”

I honestly think she was worried for me living there, but knew as well as I did, I couldn’t do better at the present time and silenced her unease. When she mentioned I could give the dogs back to Steve and rent an apartment in a better part of town, I told her that wasn’t an option.

We headed back to Scottsdale and decided to eat. I sat fuming. Why does he get my beautiful house and live in a good neighborhood while I have to live in that place? God, this isn’t fair! When the waiter came by, I ordered a Daiquiri with twice the alcohol and a bowl of soup. This was the one time in my life I wanted to be in a haze.

My mom just looked at me. “That isn’t going to solve your problems.”

“No, but for a few hours I’ll feel better.”

Nothing further was said.

The next day we were able to see inside the rental. My mood didn’t improve. The tile throughout the rooms was new and a pretty Tuscan brown color. Walls were freshly painted a soft cream, and three tall, rounded windows accented the living room. The charm, however, stopped there. The kitchen and bathroom did have the updated countertops the realtor said they were installing, and they were nice, but the cupboards were original 1980’s laminated wood festooned with caked on grime, grease and a mystery dirt. A damp, musty scent permeated from under the sinks, and water damage was evident.

If anything needed replaced, it was the shower doors. Green stick-on snowflakes were a permanent decoration to the ancient doors that didn’t slide easily and stuck before closing all the way. The kitchen stove, also dated, was missing the oven temperature knob. Although I was delighted to hear there were laundry hookups, the laundry room was located outside in the back of the duplex. Walking down the narrow side yard, I was greeted with an ornamental orange tree and a tiny dirt yard.

I had no choice but to rent this place, but I made it clear to God that this wasn’t my new home; this was temporary. I would make it livable, nothing more. I signed the papers and secured the duplex with my deposit and rent check.

New Year’s Eve I sat with my mom and Michael in an empty hotel bar watching a movie play softly in the background and munched on stale chips. Now, that was an exciting way to ring in the New Year! I was in bed before midnight, but found no sleep between my racing mind and the obnoxious, drunken pool party below our window.

For a few days I explored Scottsdale and Mesa, then it was time to go back to my cold, lonely home.

To purchase a copy of the entire book:

http://www.amazon.com/Making-Lemonade-Spiritual-Journey-Through/dp/0595531148/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

Do You Want to Shoot Cupid?

2010-01-31T10:07:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day is approaching. This thought leaves you with joy and planning, or tears and hidding. It is a great day to express our love and receive love, but what if you don't have someone in your life due to being single or you just experienced a divorce or death?

Valentines Day was always Hell on Earth for me. Remember when the teacher would have you buy a box of cards and give everyone in class a card whether you liked them or not? I didn't have many friends, so I considered these the pity cards or I have to give you one because someone told me to. My mom and step-father even quit giving me a card and a box of chocolates somewhere around the age of twelve. I never dated in Jr. High or High School and got to watch all the girls get flowers and cards and candy.

I finally got to participate in the holiday when I met my first husband. For sixteen years I got to receive and give love. I no longer hated the agonizing holiday, that was until I was divorced and single again. Six weeks after moving to a new city and starting my life over again, I had to deal with Cupid again. I still had the gapping hole in my heart where my love arrow had been recently cut out.

I remember walking into a store and seeing all those cute bears and happy roses and boxes of chocolate and I started to cry. Then I wanted to tear through it all and scream. I even wondered if I could put a hit out on Cupid. I ended up celebrating my day by driving to work with the radio off, not wearing makeup and crying all day, then ending it with a frozen dinner and going straight to bed.

So now that I have experienced both horror and joy during this time, I am hoping I can help you and help you help those in need of a little love in their lives.

Advice for Singles/Divorced/Widowed:

You are loved by the Heavenly Father and by Jesus Christ.
Take yourself out to a dinner and a movie.
Take another girl-friend out with you to a dinner and a movie and make it a girls night out.
Buy yourself some fresh flowers and a box of chocolates. Hey, at least you get what you want.
Do something meaningful and special for yourself, go to a spa, get your hair done, etc.
Go on a trip somewhere
Church events

If You're Married and know someone that fits the description above:

Buy them friendship flowers and/or a card to let them know they are appreciated and loved.
Do something special for them, gift card, spa, etc.

In other words, just because you are getting loved and pampered by your husband or boyfriend, don't forget about that person out there who needs to feel valued.

When I met my new husband and we were dating, I had a roommate who was single and resented Valentines Day as much as I had when I didn't have anyone in my life. She was a crafter, so I went to Jo Ann Fabrics and got her a gift card and a card and told her how much I valued her friendship and for being a great roommate. It brought her to tears. Please be a blessing to someone this year. You never know the difference you will make in someone's life.

Be blessed, know you are loved.

What Do Women REALLY Want?

2010-01-29T19:46:00.000-08:00

I found an intriguing question posted on Facebook today: What do women REALLY want?

It seemed the majority of the 52 comments were love, respect and to be seen for who she is and not what you want her to be.

I can’t speak for all women, but I can tell you what this woman really wants. At the end of the day I want to know I am loved fully and unconditionally. As Aretha Franklin sings so well, respected, my thoughts and dreams valued.

Even in the midst of tragedy and sorrow, I need someone who can make me laugh. This past year has been filled with financial worries. After losing my job in 2008, we lost our home last year. Yes, we had moments where we argued and blew up at each other due to the emotional stress, but we found comfort in each other and we could still find ways to laugh. Whereas most marriages are being tested and destroyed, ours was tested and endured.

To have someone look deep into my eyes and fall in love with me more and more, even when I’m trading my halo for horns, and to live in my heart.

Honestly, I don’t want Mr. GQ. Men like that seem too interested in hair number 300 being out of place rather than in me. I want their full attention.

One woman on the post said she wanted a good sex partner. Compatible sex is important. But what happens when the sex drive is no more? There will come a day when you both come home tired, life gets in the way, children are born, you get sick, and you get older. I want someone to have a deep conversation with, to cuddle with on the couch under a blanket while watching a movie. These days a foot rub gets me more excited than a romp in the bedroom. Intimacy is more than just physical sex.

A giving heart is important to me. I volunteer and give my heart to helping people improve their lives. There is no room for selfishness.

I want to be accepted for who I am and when I gain a few “happy” pounds while we’re married. I may wear Victoria’s Secret, but they’re not going to come ask me to walk down their runway.

Thankfully, I have these things and more. A few years ago I wrote a poem to my loving husband thanking him for all he means to me.

When the World . . .

When the world
Seems a lonely place,
You wrap your arms around me and hold me close.

One the days
The world seems bigger than I am,
You hold me in your world and lift me higher.

When I wish to inspire others
And people close me down,
You inspire me.

On the days
People hurt me,
You love and encourage me.

When others
Give me a black eye,
You take away the pain with your tender kisses.

On the days
I want to be so much more,
I realize I am when you look at me.

When others
Have not seen my worth,
You treasure me.

When the world
Seems so dark and I cannot find my way,
You are the light in my life that I can look to when all seems lost.

When I believe
God does not answer our prayers,
I have to remember, He gave me you.

I love you for all you do and for who you are.

I hope this helps men out there realize what women really want. Treat us well and treasure us and we’ll give you our heart, the most precious thing you can give someone. Love isn’t complicated. It’s pure. It’s honest. It’s simple.

If you loved my poem, you may purchase it as a Greeting Card at http://www.zazzle.com/lemonade1970*

Chapter Seven of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-01-28T15:09:00.001-08:00

Baptismal of the Phone

Results of planning our last Thanksgiving dinner together turned out much differently than I thought. I was so tired of my husband calling her while he went to and from work and late at night when he thought I was sleeping. My anger got the best of me.

Two days before Thanksgiving, I couldn’t sleep. Thoughts of breaking his precious cell phone consumed me until I gave in. I crept out of bed and went into the guest bathroom where I ran it under water until the screen went blank, dried it off and went back to bed.

Okay, this wasn’t the most “Christian” thing to do, but I was sick of him cheating. I was sick of her. I was sick of his lies he told me before he was leaving me. To me, the phone represented his infidelity, and I wanted to kill it. Many mistakes were made on my part during this time and during the marriage. It takes two to keep a marriage, as well as cause a divorce.

The next morning he discovered what I had done. Apparently, I didn’t dry off the phone as well as I thought, and he came into the bedroom enraged. Pulling the covers off me, he told me that I better have his phone replaced by the time he got home. I still had to live there until I finished school, so I did as I was instructed. That night he began sleeping in the guest room with the door locked.

We had turkey dinner, but no movie played. No conversation filled the room. Hatred seethed from him in waves. Not the hottest day in Hell could melt the igloo that was now my home.

Two days later, he flew out to see her for a week. Unbeknownst to me, he cleared out our bank account. I had gone for a massage for my birthday present, which he endorsed, and discovered my credit card had been cancelled, and I didn’t have any money in checking. Embarrassment and panic spread across my face. How was I going to pay for my service? How was I going to pay my bills that were scheduled? How was I going to eat until he came home? I promised him that I would never clear out the account. He could trust me. My sincerity backfired.

Racing home, I called him. He didn’t answer. Reluctantly, I called her. She didn’t answer either. I left messages for both of them, then called his mother, who was angry at his actions and said she would take care of it.

That afternoon I went to the mailbox and found a birthday card from his mother with a check enclosed. I knew it was God covering me because every year she was late giving me my cards. This year, it came early. The next day, his paycheck was deposited into the account, and I could pay my bills on time.

Finally, he called me. Although I was angry, I spoke to him in a calm manner, explaining the situation he put me in, and he said he would transfer the money back into the account when he came back, provided I take my name off the account and sign the Quit-Claim Deed. I reluctantly agreed.

Friday he returned. He took me out to dinner for my birthday. We apologized to each other for Thanksgiving. The next day, however, wasn’t so great. I was having a difficult time with my emotions and with the agreement on the bank account. It put him in total control and me without money. It also aggravated me that I was signing over my rights to my home.

While Steve went over the deal with the Quit-Claim Deed, I was taking out money and removing my name from the account. Agitated, I sat at the desk and let the tears flow. The lady started laughing at me. Not sure what my husband told her, I took the paper and as I signed it, I said, “You know he cheated on me? Now he’s taking my house away and all you can do is laugh at me?”

She continued laughing as they made eye contact. I wanted to jump across the desk and make her eat her smirk. How could she laugh at someone’s pain like that? How could that bank be so rude?

I cried on the couch. He filled out the divorce papers.

Happy Birthday.

Chapter Five of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-01-27T13:08:00.000-08:00

Keep this in mind as you read this chapter. I had no one to stop me from the course I was on to commit suicide. I didn't have friends I could talk to. I didn't have family near me, and I wasn't communicating my intent to my mother or to the members at my church. I only had one person to stop me, to save me. I should have died.

I'm posting a picture of what I looked like two months AFTER the attempt to show how thin and sickly I looked. My ex took it when I moved to Mesa. Enjoy chapter five and most important, believe in chapter five.

Meeting God

So where was this miraculous being called God everyone told me about? I was raised Catholic, went to church off and on, and knew about God and Jesus. Something happened to me as I ambled along the Jasmine-scented path where fluffy bunnies hopped merrily among the lollipop trees. Somewhere in my journey through life, the fluffy bunnies grew fangs, and the lollipops became poisonous. Somewhere something had gone horribly askew, and as I walked with God, I became angry with Him.

God was supposed to fight for me. So where was he? Was He angry with me? Most of my life I had forsaken Him because I thought He abandoned me during my darkest hours as a child. Never did He rescue me from the people who hurt me. To me, God was an absentee landlord who couldn’t manage the world He created. I needed proof that God was real and living and wanted to be a part of my life.

“All I ever wanted was unconditional love and for someone to not be disappointed in me,” I cried out. I didn’t expect an answer.

Suddenly, this warm, loving feeling overwhelmed me. My tear-filled eyes looked to the ceiling. This feeling wasn’t foreign to me. So many times when I was in pain growing up and called out to God, I felt this same sensation, but didn’t understand it. Now I finally did. I knew God was hugging me, and it was the most wonderful feeling I had ever experienced. For the first time, I realized God had always been with me even when I thought He was absent.

Over the next two weeks God began to whisper, Go find a church. It was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted nothing to do with hypocritical, fake Christian people who only wore their halo one day of the week. I wanted nothing to do with the institution after the PTL scandals or ritualistic bondage.

God won the argument. I got in my car and drove down McCulloch to find one. The first two I came to were closed! What, no one works during the week? Frustrated, I decided to go home. I saw the sign Abundant Grace. Figuring it, too, was closed, I continued on; however, God directed the steering wheel into the parking lot, carried me in and placed me before the pastor’s wife as if saying, “Take care of my child.”

Abundant Grace became my home for three months. In the beginning I went in the afternoons to talk to the pastor’s wife, Aletha, or just simply sit and talk to God. Feeling stronger, I joined the women’s Bible study group, then Sunday morning services. I felt at peace in the little sanctuary and not at home.

I believed God was working on Steve when he admitted he was confused and wanted us both. We decided to go away to Las Vegas for the weekend, but it was a disaster. On the way I took a wrong turn, and we got into another fight. He e-mailed his ex-wife right in front of me on his cell phone at the hotel. I didn’t know which one I wanted to throw out the window first. We stayed the night and drove home in silence. He ordered the divorce papers. I stopped eating again.

Steve was called to Peach Springs to work in their clinic for the week. I lay alone once more in my Charmin-quilted bed. I now was a frail ninety pounds and still losing weight. With each beat, my heart withered in agony. Pain coursed through my veins like razors. If I departed from my bed, I fell to the floor after five shaking steps. Death felt only hours away.

“God, I don’t want to live. I don’t want this life,” Cupping my hands on my heart, I presented my life before Him and dumped it upon the bed. “I’ve failed at everything I’ve ever done. If you want me to live, then you have to take over my life. You have to fix it.” I fell asleep believing I would not wake up.

Something is going to happen, the voice repeated as I woke up.

“What?”

Something wonderful.

Okay . . . . What could possibly be so wonderful?

The entire day I anxiously waited. Feeling like a child at Christmas, I imagined picking up my present. It had no weight. I shook it, but there was no sound. Carefully, I pulled at the tape, but God’s tape was secure. I put the present down and just stared at it all day, waiting for the thing to open. Finally, I went to bed.

Hanging my cross from the lamp in front of my candle, I turned out the lights. The soft, reassuring glow illuminated my cross, comforting me. Wearing both wedding rings, I stretched my arm across the bed where my husband should have been and closed my eyes.

My ring hand began tingling, and the hair stood up. I kept my eyes closed. The “electricity” went up my arm and down my back to my toes. Whatever was happening intensified. I thought my body was going to burst from the immense love and peace pouring into it.

A smile stretched across my worn, tear-streaked face as I soaked up the feeling. I had hope, for the first time since the divorce began, that I had a future. During the midnight of my life, God took away my melancholy sack cloth and breathed new life into my dying body.

Are you ready for the ride of your life? Only it wasn’t a question.

“Yes, God, and it’s about time!” Then, “Use me as your vessel. I am yours. Bring me the sick, the hurting and the dying. I want to do for them what you just did for me.” I had no idea what made me ask. I had no idea what I was even asking. It just came from my unselfish heart.

I was reborn.

Walking the peaceful foothills of Lake Havasu the next morning, I looked up at the azure canvas above. Circling me were countless Angels. Every cloud actually resembled an Angel in flight. Was I the only one seeing this? No. I’m not seeing this. This is ridiculous.

I want you to inspire people. I want you to gather an army of souls for me.

“Inspire? You want me to inspire people? Are you kidding me?” I laughed in frustration. How could I inspire someone when I needed inspiration myself? I looked like an Auschwitz poster child.

To purchase a copy of the entire book:

http://www.amazon.com/Making-Lemonade-Spiritual-Journey-Through/dp/0595531148/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

Chapter Four of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-01-25T18:37:00.000-08:00

Midnight

When I came to Lake Havasu, the circumstances surrounding this move were supposed to be happy. I cried myself to sleep for two months. I missed my husband so much and regretted abandoning him. I never expected it would take so long.

For several weeks I called the Public Health Department to find out where Steve was in the process. I was polite, but insistent in trying to get his career on track and get him out of the place we didn’t like. I kept my mind occupied by renovating the house.

My anger with God, something I had always struggled with, grew in me again. Why, God? Why can’t we just start our new lives together? Why is it when I cry out to you, you ignore me? Finding one of my Cross necklaces in my jewelry box, I hurled God into the closet and slammed the door as if saying go back in the box you came from.

In July, Steve finally came. Things were looking up. By the end of August, I was in school and working for a housecleaning business so that I could have weekends off.

I floated lazily in our pool soaking up the afternoon sun. Paddling to Steve, I gave him the look of love. What he returned nearly toppled me from the air mattress.

“Do you ever think of having a boyfriend, and he could come live with us?”

My blank stare answered the question.

“You could have someone,” he continued obliviously. “I could have someone. We could share the bills, the responsibilities. You could have a friend to go shopping with . . . .”

For nearly seven years, he always talked about threesomes with his friend and his first wife, and now with his second wife. Visions of hedonistic cruises made my skin crawl. It got to the point where I was so sick of them talking about it I would ignore them and leave the room. I prayed so hard that he would stop and that God would change his heart.

Unlike the past pestering, this request was serious.

“What do you think?”

What do I think? Are you mental? My brain screamed as my tongue lay useless in my mouth. Finally, I managed, “I want you. I don’t want anyone else. I’m not that kind of person,” I knew he found someone. I could feel it.

As my fragile world descended to the bottom of the pool, denial bubbled up to drown my panicked mind. Imagining my life without him and the security he provided terrified me. I shoved the idea out of my head as quickly as it came. I loved my all too comfortable world of denial.

Sunday, September 18th, my boss called and left a message. I would only be working three days this week again instead of four. My husband was furious, which only resulted in an argument. I told him I was a wife and not a bank, and the job market was terrible in Lake Havasu. Not wanting to hear my excuses, he told me I needed to look harder. Yet, that previous Friday, I came home from the unemployment office with no job results and sore feet.

The argument turned for the worse, and I ran off to spend the rest of the day in the bedroom. That was when he told me he wanted a divorce. He was tired of the arguments and tired of my depression and mood swings that I attempted to fix, but had failed miserably.

Distraught, I left for work the next morning to quit my job. I got home as he got up for work, and I told him I quit my job and went back to bed. When I woke up, I saw his wedding ring on the coffee table. My eyes stared in disbelief. I fell to the floor, unable to breathe.

I thumbed through the phone book looking for marriage counselors. Unbeknownst to me, he was seeking a divorce lawyer. That night I tried to approach him on the counseling, but he said it was too late, he was filing. Many times, Steve encouraged me to get counseling, but it was always a one-way session. All the therapists wanted him to be involved as well, but he would never go. I was always the one who had problems and needed to be fixed. Marriage is work, and he never wanted to work at it. After a few pointless sessions, I would stop going.

Hurricane “Steve” hit with a mighty force, and I crumbled spiritually and physically. Twelve years of marriage and just starting our new lives, he was going to leave me, and there was nothing I could do about it. Well, what did you expect when he only married you so that you could get financial aid? mocked the inner voice. I expected so much more. I thought if he married me, we could have a normal, happy life together. But you cannot bargain for happiness.

The next two weeks he discussed what he was giving me and how we were going to file. A lawyer was too expensive. Continually I begged him to take me back. I promised him I would do anything he asked, including whoring myself out to his friend. I was that scared of losing him. I stopped eating and began willing myself to die.

I looked into his divorcing eyes as he told me how he cheated on me with his ex-wife. Betrayal dissolved my rose-tinted glasses and showed me new shades of muted colors as he confessed to me he had seen her twice while we lived in Florida. Never would I love anyone again. Never would I trust anyone again.

I felt dead. My entire body radiated with pain that started from my heart and coursed through my fingertips and toes. How could someone hurt so much and not die? Getting run over by a bus would hurt less.

I went to a therapist for the continual emptiness that grew inside my chest like a cancer. I even considered committing myself into an institution. My therapist agreed that if I wanted to get the further help, she would take care of it. I left with a script to help manage the more intense emotions, but who was I kidding? It was like patching the Titanic with duct tape.

Roller coaster emotions were so overwhelming, I couldn’t control when I would cry or become angry. All the while, Steve reminded me that he didn’t treat her like this when they were divorcing. We all handle situations differently. Later I learned what I was feeling was a perfectly normal response to grief and loss.

Chapter Three of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

2010-01-24T11:32:00.000-08:00

Chapter Three

The Place We Didn’t Like

I hated the constant rain and partly cloudy skies. From the first day to the last day, I was fighting terrible colds and allergies. Moreover, I hated the ignorance of racism.

This particular place became a true test of our marriage. Could we survive without the external environment and material things for our happiness? No. Rather than finding comfort and strength in each other, we let our bitterness divide us. It was always a competition on who hated it there more.

Deployment to Iraq didn’t help. I was stuck in a place I didn’t like, by myself. He was stuck in Hell. I supported him the best I could, short of teleporting to see him.

The week he left, I decided to order him a new computer desk and make him a computer room. He knew about the desk, but not of the loving gesture of making him a room that was to be his sanctuary.

For several weeks, I reorganized and moved storage boxes from the small bedroom to the storage area in the carport, stained the unfinished desk and made it his retreat. I was exhausted from the labor, but I couldn’t wait to see his face when he returned.

Yet nothing I did fulfilled his preconceived ideas of how I should have acted, and he picked fights with me. It hurt deeply.

Steve was supposed to call me the morning I left to see my mother in Montana. He did not. I worried that something had happened or that he was hurt. I e-mailed him as soon as I got to her house. He didn’t e-mail me back immediately. When he did, he said he didn’t feel like calling because I was supposedly not giving him the emotional support he needed. My mother was upset with the mind games he played with me the week I stayed with her. She claimed a sand flea crawled up his shorts. He controlled my emotions the entire time he was over there.

A month before he was to return home, he sent me an angry e-mail that I wasn’t sympathetic to his plight. It sent me over the edge. I felt like he was blaming me for him being in Iraq. Well, everything was my fault, right?

I replied back calling him an ungrateful jerk, in polite terms, and tore into him. I didn’t care. I was tired of his attitude. I was tired of the verbal and mental abuse while I was falling apart waiting for him to come home. I sent him episodes of his favorite television shows, books and other items he asked me to get. I took late night phone calls. I e-mailed him every morning and night. Nothing I did met his expectations.

My nasty e-mail was apparently sent to several people, including his ex-wife, as if to illustrate that I wasn’t a good wife or a good person. I’m sure they all felt sorry for him. I was always made out to be the one at fault. We both were, but he never took responsibility. In the e-mail, he told me to pack up and leave before he returned home. Four days went by. I didn’t eat nor did I go into work. Finally, he called me and I explained why I was angry at the e-mail he sent. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

When he returned home, our relationship was better than it had been in a long while, but he believed I created the computer room after the fight out of guilt rather than before and out of love. And making me feel worse, his reaction wasn’t what I had envisioned. No thank you was spoken, no smile of gratitude given.

Deciding he didn’t want another tour to Iraq, he started the process to enlist in the Public Health Department and relocate to Lake Havasu, Arizona. Weeks went by believing the transfer was being processed. It was not. A second time documents were submitted and lost. Taking matters into my own hands, I walked into the General’s Office and politely told his secretary of the failures on the department’s part. Miraculously, the process finally began.

Believing nothing else could go wrong, we purchased a house. Yet, more government blunders between the two organizations held him up from leaving. I was sick again. We were fighting again. Twenty-six months of feeling trapped, I left in March to go to Lake Havasu. I felt if I didn’t leave, our marriage wouldn’t survive.