Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Chapter Seventeen of Making Lemonade A Spiritual Journey Through Pain and Divorce

Severing the Past

Reaching acceptance of my new life was like winning the lottery, like meeting a mega-movie star—it was exhilarating. I was finally free.

I quit fighting for my marriage to be restored. My energy for life came back. Things would never be the same again, but it was going to be alright.

I faced many seasons in my life. Where there was a wintery death, a cold frost that left my life dormant, a spring finally followed. New life was being reborn, unexpected life in unexpected places. But the past, like a fog, needed to be lifted for the sunlight to enter.

I sent out all my pictures of Cancun to everyone, including Steve, via e-mail. I wanted him to see I was healing and surviving without him, and I was actually having fun.

My ex-husband called me the next morning at work astonished that I went to Cancun by myself and even ventured to get in a shark tank. Briefly we talked, and he said he was coming by next Saturday for a few hours. I did want to see him, but it wasn’t to persuade him into taking me back, but to officially end our relationship. I didn’t want to tell him on the phone. I needed my closure.

I didn’t tell Travis up front that Steve was coming because I thought it would be better to wait until he left. I wanted no secrets in our relationship. Steve told me that she had gone home to see her family and did not tell her where he was going. That confirmed why I needed to end our relationship. If I stayed in contact with him, he would continue to see me in secret, and it would make me no better than what they did to me. If they did go their separate ways in the future, I didn’t want to be blamed. I had to be the bigger person. It was difficult to completely sever a sixteen year relationship.

“Do you still think about me?” was the first question Steve asked when he saw me.

I told him no. I had found a good life here, and I even met someone.

Several other questions came up. “Are you happy? Did you like Lake Havasu?” He continually asked weird, probing questions, as if he wanted to know if I would consider taking him back.

It was getting quite irritating. Later that afternoon I discovered he was fighting with her and had been for quite some time, most of it over me. Then he apologized to me for all the hurtful things he had done in the past. I told him I forgave him.

Confirming that I was moving on with my life and not interested in rekindling our relationship, I took him to the house I was buying. Some of his comments about my little home were insensitive, and I told him I was blessed to be able to have a home. I had a home of my own, and I did not have to put up with conditions to have it. That was truly a blessing.

On the way back we got into a terrible argument and I wasn’t nice. I was ashamed of myself for laughing at his pain.

“All we do is hurt each other, even when we don’t want to.” I told him why I was severing our relationship, and it hurt him because he wanted to keep me as a friend. This wasn’t the meeting he intended. I had my closure, but it was more painful than the divorce.

Travis called as soon as I walked into the house and all I could do was cry. Eventually I was able to tell him what happened.

To this day, we briefly make contact if the need arises. We have our own lives and I don’t wish to interfere.

On this day, I wrote out the death certificate and buried my past completely. I discovered when he came to see me I was no longer attracted to him. I no longer loved him or saw him as my husband. I didn’t want him back under any circumstances.

To purchase a copy of the entire book:

No comments:

Post a Comment